Cynical Dad: Stupid Searches

Showing posts with label Stupid Searches. Show all posts

Urinating Beagles, Yo Gabba Gabba, Polar Bear Sex, And John Cusack's Jukebox

It's been quite some time since I did one of these search engine posts, which is a shame because I really enjoy them. I need some sort of service that reminds me every two months or so, "Dude! It's time to do one of those Google posts!"

As always, the following are some interesting/amusing/demented search phrases people have used to get to my site:

heimlich maneuver blowjob
Isn't it enough that she thanked you for saving her life, dude?

beagle pees 14 times a day sometimes in house
Time to get a fish.

a picture of a dad and mom polar bear having sex
Sorry. I'm only involved in the lesbian polar bear porn trade.

are all people who wear argyle socks cool
Not a one.

did japanese invent masturbation
Yes. I believe Sony invented it 3,000 years ago. It was originally called the Jerkman.

bill murray glue that holds us together
Nope. Chris Elliot is the glue that holds us all together.

wife's pregnant and im impotent
Coming up on the next Jerry Springer…

bridal shower she threw up
Worst case of pre-wedding jitters ever.

chuck e cheese do you have to eat to play
Hell no! You don't even have to pay to play.

first thing to teach kids about music
That the Grateful Dead sucks.

how do demons use pornography
I have no idea, but I think I've finally found a name for my Twitter radio show.

is def leppard's song "love bites" anti jesus?
No. It's anti-melodious, but not anti-Jesus.

sickness from fellatio
We don't buy that excuse, ladies.

is it bad to go out drinking n leave your baby at home
Probably.

jeremiah was a bullfrog baby bedding
I believe I saw some at JC Penny next to the Sweet Home Alabama tablecloths.

should i let my child play spin the bottle
Sure! Give him/her alcohol, cigarettes, your porno collection, and some paint thinner while you're at it!

john cusack holding up a jukebox
I don't think that would've made that scene in Say Anything as poignant. Plus, the jukebox probably would have crushed him.

meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow (the government!)
Next!

what does it mean when in the mens public restroom he puts a 20 bill on the floor
It means you're getting lucky tonight! And twenty bucks richer!

if you are at school liking you must puke in the trash can and call home and w ach a movie by cookie monster hard and play so hard
I'm having such a difficult time trying to figure out what you're talking about that I can't even attempt to write a joke.

what does the yo gabba gabba cast look like without costumes
I don't know about the other cast members, but I do know the guy that plays the red one-eyed penis actually looks like that in real life. That's not a costume.

what comes out of a girls vagina
Butterflies, roses, and the Muzak version of Christopher Cross's Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do).

Song of the day: Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do) by Christopher Cross

Witchcraft Demons, Pornographic Napkins, The Underpants God, And Dr. Seuss

Autopilot. Here are some recent interesting/amusing/demented search phrases people have used to get to my site:

2 year old daughter defecating on toys after being potty trained
Um… I hate to burst your bubble, but if she's defecating on toys, she's not really potty trained. Unless you keep her toys in the toilet.

arthur dw sex story lemon
I get a fair amount of traffic from pornographic searches involving children's television and literary characters. But this is my first incestuous one. And the first that involves a lemon.

berenstain bears mama moan
See!

candy land cynical version
It would probably be nothing but Lose A Turn spaces.

4 and 4 and 4 and 4 minus one
15.

4 and 4 and 4 minus 1
11. C'mon, I can do this all day. I'm like Rain Man, people.

creative ways to cure cynical people
Fellatio.

Hey, it was worth a shot.

what is it when one of your testicles disappears
A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

strip club "magic words" extras
Try "I'm with Pacman Jones."

pornographic napkin decorations
Looks like someone's trying to spice up Thanksgiving dinner this year!

can you have children with crabs?
No. I think it's impossible for a human to get a crab pregnant.

What? That's not what you meant?

kid picked ncaa bracket
He probably did better than I did.

days of the week underpants god
There's a God for underpants? I'm building an altar now. I was beginning to think I'd never get my son potty trained.

punk rock prom dress zombie teeth leopard print
You really, really, really hate your parents, don't you?

people are people wherever you go dr seuss
I think that's Depeche Mode, not Dr. Seuss.

my child eats candles
Time to cut back on the séances, dude.

testicles in beach chair
This is why I always put a towel down before sitting on a beach chair. And that's only after I've covered the chair with Saran Wrap.

amount of foe per diaper
Every diaper is my enemy.

how many drugs did dr seuss do
I often find myself asking the same question.

ryan seacrest naked
My eyes! My eyes!

am i a girl trapped in a boy's body
No. You are actually a girl trapped in a platypus trapped in a boy's body. Have fun in therapy!

what did dr. seuss's mom read to make him go to sleep
Notes From Underground.

humorous bikini wax story got children down for nap
Now there's a children's book I'd like to read!

bear sounds go grrrrrrrrrrrrr
Very good! Next week, we'll work on pig sounds.

how to cast out witchcraft demons from legs
Witchcraft demons? Is this the excuse your girlfriend's using to avoid having sex with you?

tips on swinging microphone
Google can't teach you how to be a rock star.

chicken toilet
Worst garage band name ever.

got milk slogans for def leppard
Must resist urge to make a joke about the drummer's missing appendage.

killers ring doorbells in south carolina and kill whoever answers
This should all but destroy the Jehovah's Witnesses' SC campaign.

i can see debris in the urine of my 3 year old daughter
Really? I see the Virgin Mary!

nail polish testicles
Even Johnny Knoxville's crew wouldn't try this one.

case studies of women with oral fixation and sperm
Porn for academics!

Song of the day: Firestarter by The Prodigy

Strippers, Testicles, And Ryan Seacrest

Forgive me Google, for I have sinned. It's been five months since my last search terms post.

As always, here are some recent interesting/amusing/demented search phrases people have used to get to my site:

my testicles disappeared
Welcome to married life, buddy.

best gift for 2 year old bot
Oil change? An OS upgrade? I love typos.

how to freak out your dad
Here are three options:
1. Tell him you're pregnant.
2. Call him from jail.
3. Call him from jail and tell him you're pregnant.

did deborah harry get a swiffer?
Dude, Deborah Harry was in Blondie! She was a celebrity!

She got a Roomba.

cheryl hines topless
Tell me where!

dane cook makes me change the channel
Me too! And jam pencils in my ears.

i'll strip for you
Go ahead, baby. I'm watching.

If I strip for you will you strip for me?
Wait! I didn't realize this was going to be a reciprocal thing.

taking strippers to baseball games
This would definitely make the 7th inning stretch more interesting.

dust on my testicles
Been a long time, eh?

oobi kills barney
I wish.

if i got a warrant can i still get ssa
No.

my child's father is a moron
What a coincidence! My children's father is a moron, too.

name of the scary organ music that like everyone knows
The Wedding March?

mia hamm's drawbacks
For starters, she married Nomar.

ryan seacrest coughing feverish
Poor thing! Put him to bed. Forever.

where are the latest birthday places to go in maryland for 11th birthday parties in the early spring?
Um, could you be a tad more specific?

miley cyrus deep voice smoker
Motherbumper! You're not the only one who feels this way.

naked tyler hansbrough
Sorry, but I think the dude eats, sleeps, and bathes in his uniform.

preschool show and tell something with bones
Christ! Where do you send your kid? Manson's Happy Kid Korral?

beach boob through chair
Breastfeeding while on vacation sure is a bitch.

show me the forest sex
Jerry Maquire would've been a much better movie had this been Cuba Gooding Jr.'s catchphrase.

most shocking thing on the web
That people read Cynical Dad.

Song of the day: Peek-A-Boo by Siouxsie And The Banshees

The Amazing Chicken Pox Man, Toilet Training Parades, And Costumes For Cows

Time to bring out my writer's crutch! Here are some recent interesting/amusing/demented search phrases people have used to get to my site:

chicken pox man
They're really running out of ideas for comic book villains.

im better than her im better better than her
Oh yeah? Well I'm better better better than you!

do it yourself laser hair removal
You're braver than I am. And stupider, too.

hip bedtime songs baby
Do I have the perfect CD for you!

going to preschool is better than staying at home
Truer words have never been spoken.

how to answer the phone
1. Pick up phone.
2. Put phone to ear.
3. Say "hello."

Coming next time: how to wipe your own ass.

hey kid taste that piss and tell me if it's human
Yum!

is there a warrant out for me
Google is not your parole officer.

my children won't leave me alone!
I know! It's a major pain in the ass. They expect you to feed them and play with them and stuff.

we hate mix tapes
You are the Antichrist.

birthday invites wrestling
Because there's no better way to celebrate little Bobby Joe's fifth birthday than with invitations featuring 'roided-out freaks.

i hate my daughters punk rock image
And she hates your Corporate America image. What do you think causes that punk rock image of hers?

girls fighting until their shirts are off clips
Someone's been watching too many beer commercials. Or not enough.

having a party at mcdonalds
Worst birthday party ever.

kid kills father over cake
Ignore my previous response.

things to do on a boring night
Read Cynical Dad! Disclaimer: it won't actually make your evening any less boring.

beanie baby clothes punk
It's sad enough someone still has beanie babies. It's sadder still that this person dresses his beanie babies.

why do people have unibrows?
Because they're not fully evolved.

bed sheets after vomit
Should be changed. Quickly. As in now.

toilet training parade
Sarah? Have you tried this yet?

And my favorite search term of the month:

brett michaels cow outfit
And I bet all you cows out there thought you were going to have to be horses for the umpteenth Halloween in a row!

Song of the day: (Nothing But) Flowers by Talking Heads

Ticklish Bears, Unibrows, And Tina Yothers Nude

When you have nothing else to write about, share your search terms. Here are some recent interesting/amusing/demented search phrases people have used to get to my site:

how to raise kids with a sociopath
Ask Ella.

tina yothers nude
Why, dude? Why?

help dora find the bathroom before she has an accident
Who do we ask for help when we don't know which way to go? The map!

Or just take a dump in Backpack.

chuckecheese birthday what happen if we book 4 kids and 10 show up
The animatronic animals come to life and kill the six extra kids. Sorry, but society must have rules.

little girl died at chuck e. cheeses when she was in this ball pit a snake bit her
Or feed them to the snakes!

do bears have ticklish skin
Oh yes! Give it a try the next time you see one in the wild. I hear they like it behind the ears.

when to take a toddler with a possible concussion to the doctor
Um… now?

guy in a van parked in front of my house
They're on to you! Quick! Put everything you can't live without in a pillowcase and sneak out the back window!

what does it mean when a little bird flies in your home hits entertainment center and dies
It's a sign that you need a plasma television (at least that's what you should tell your wife).

emergency room footage of guy with tree in ass
You know, if I was an ER doc, I would be taking all kinds of secret pictures of the crazies that come in after a night of drinking on Saturday night. Apparently, so would this guy.

my dad got naked at the store
Yikes! Next time you go shopping with your Dad, explain to him that naked furniture means unfinished furniture.

my 9 year old's unibrow?
Is scaring the other kids! Wax on, wax off, baby!

tina yothers nude
Sorry, but I just had to come back to this one. Seriously, dude… WTF?

a-rod's theme song
If he opts out of his contract at the end of the year? Money Changes Everything. Bastard.

who wrote mamas gore up to be cowboys
Marilyn Manson?

pitchers of werewolves having sex
Favorite search term of the month (even if there is a misspelled word).

Song of the day: Love Your Money by Daisy Chainsaw

Attack Of The Angry Googlers

Here are some recent interesting/amusing/demented search phrases people have used to get to my site:

emo songs about unrequited love
Aren't all emo songs about unrequited love?

i loved hairbands in highschool
Me too. That's why I've been featuring them all week .

masturbation stuffed animals tips
Here's a tip: Don't.

proper response to testicle kick
Tears. Lots of them.

costumes 13 daughters
If I had 13 daughters, the only costume I'd worry about would be one for myself.

i'd hang these from my nipples but it would scare the children
God, I'd love to know what he/she was planning on hanging from his/her nipples. Maybe live crocodiles? (Thanks, Sarah!)

is there any song with the word vomit in it?
Yes. And it's being used to sell vehicles.

should my three month old be put to bed upstairs
Um, yeah if he's got a crib up there. If you're talking about the attic, no.

scanner "baby monitor" sex
Has phone sex become that passé?

does leprechaun visit houses like santa
Yes. But he will stop at nothing to reclaim his gold!

what do three roses symbolize
That your significant other is too cheap to spring for the other nine.

Here Are Some Searchers That Are Pissed Off In General

people that aren't straight up really piss me off, people that lie piss me off
women flirting at clubs pisses me off
windows service pack 2 pisses me off
wanna take your chance to be the next person to piss me off today?
lazy ass people piss me off

Here Are Some Searchers That Are Pissed Off At Google

you piss me off when i click on something and you send me to some bullshit site
You Total Moron, by now you should Know That I Don't let smelly people type stuff in the google search!!

And Finally, Two Searches I Really Don't Want To Think About Too Much (But Had To Share Nonetheless)

melissa rivers vermin in underwear
why do buttholes turn purple

Song of the day: Everything About You by Ugly Kid Joe

It's That Time Again

You know the drill by now. Here are some recent interesting/amusing/demented search phrases people have used to get to my site:

what to do when your bored with a camcorder
Boredom makes you do stupid things. Never document them with a camcorder. Unless you want to be in heavy rotation on YouTube for the next two months.

broken humorous arm bone
There is nothing humorous about a broken bone.
P.S. Learn to spell, dumbass.

my tiny kingdom of sex
Anne? Care to field this one?

biggest prick of all time
My new tagline.

Tales of a Recovering Misanthrope
No, this is my new tagline.

is it ok to have a birthday party at preschool class
You should probably ask your child's teacher and not Google.

valentine day cheap stuff
You could make a Cheerios necklace.

monkey game called monkey pooh fights
I have no idea what this means. But it makes me giggle every time I read it.

top 100 hair band songs of all time
Must resist the temptation to actually compile this list. Unless Sarah does it too.

moron kids that kick there dad in the head
I think in this case it's the dad that's the moron, not the kids.

how to take care of an imaginary cats
Don't bother. Just cart it off to the Imaginary Animal Shelter.

there's no I in team but there are 4 in idiot
No. But there are six in putz.

group sex in the suburbs
In your dreams, pal.

Teach Heimlich maneuver using the hokie pokie
You put your left hand in
You put your right hand in
You put 'em together
And you thrust and thrust and thrust.

Sorry, folks. It's late and I'm punchy.

house of fellatio
Beats the International House of Pancakes, House of Blues, and House of Representatives every day of the week.

would you have wicked game-chris isaak as your wedding song?
Not if I had wanted to remain married.

don't tell mom we killed babysitter
I hope this person was searching for the similarly-named movie.

she's my robot i tell her what to do butthole
Favorite. Search. Ever.

Song of the day: Rat Trap by Boomtown Rats

You People Frighten Me

Yup, it's that time again. Time to dust off the old StatCounter files and show you guys some recent interesting/amusing/demented search phrases people have used to get to my site:

my neighbor's cow is dead
Time for a neighborhood barbeque!

if playdoh gets hard how do i make it soft again
No idea. But if it stays hard for four hours or more, seek immediate medical attention.

dan zanes sucks
I agree. But not all children's music sucks.

co-sleeping no sex
That's why we have a crib.

best photography poses for fat people
Standing next to even fatter people?

french maid cheerleader
Dude! One fantasy at a time!

how to make diaper elephant
Is this some kind of deranged origami?

scents that guys are most attracted to
Desperation.

long hair chag
Sorry. Took that picture down some time ago. Plus, I don't have long hair anymore.

world better off without men
You're probably right.

The party ain't over until everyone's pregnant
Sounds like the worst party ever!

chuck e cheese birthday part vs pumpitup birthday party
No matter which one you choose, you lose.

germaphobe store
Oh how I wish such a thing existed.

caillou hey leave me alone
Dude? Just turn off the television. Caillou can't hurt you if he can't see you.

stupid people have more kids
It does seem that way, doesn't it? But if that were the case, I'd have a dozen or so.

child controlled by imaginary friend
Sounds like the premise to a really bad Stephen King novel.

fraggle rock kid tantrum screaming crying radio
This is why you hipsters shouldn't torment your kids with the shows of your youth.

Song of the day: Ted, Just Admit It... by Jane's Addiction

Even More Stupid Searches

There are a lot of messed up people in this world and 90% of them end up at my site at one time or another. Need proof? Here are some recent interesting/amusing/demented search phrases people have used to get to my site:

pitchers of dwarf hamsters
You crazy college kids will drink anything.

ballerina gorilla at walmart
This is one of the many reasons I shop at Target.

satan in my fridge mad
And the people in the Amityville house thought they had it bad!

is music a sin or not a sin
Depends. Pixies? Definitely not a sin. Limp Bizkit? Sin.

heimlich maneuver fetish group
Wow. People can get off on anything.

thanksgiving fellatio on the turkey
Everyone has their own holiday traditions. Some are stranger than others.

cats that Dads hate
All of them.

I want to hear the ghostbusters theme
I don't.

fellatio coach
Umm... You know the lunchroom scene in Fast Times At Ridgemont High with Phoebe Cates and the carrot? Start there.

what that stuff was on Kenny Rogers' pitching hand.
The reason he pitched twenty-three innings of shutout ball in the 2006 postseason?

I'm going to show you a world without sin
Sounds like a very boring world.

Cynical Man doll
Yes! I think it's time I had my own action figure!

Previous Search Engine Fun:
More Stupid Searches
More Stupid People Doing Stupid Searches
In Lieu Of An Actual Entry, Let's Make Fun Of Stupid People!
Stuff Only I Care About VIII
Stuff Only I Care About VI
Stuff Only I Care About IV
Stuff Only I Care About

Stuff Only I Care About XV

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Yankees

The Yankees went 3-3 this week, bringing their overall record to 38-28, and are now tied with Boston atop the AL East.

What the hell happened Saturday? The Yankees had a 9-2 lead against the Nationals and ended up losing 11-9. It was painful to watch.

The Yankees designated Aaron Small for assignment this week. When will they do the same with Jaret Wright?

As I told Mr. Big Dubya this week, if the Yankees or the Red Sox don't start pulling away from the pack, the Blue Jays are eventually going to overtake them both.

Randy Johnson and Chien-Ming Wang both had strong outings this week. Johnson went six and a third, giving up four hits and one earned run while striking out six in a win against Cleveland. Wang pitched seven and a third innings of shutout ball, giving up five hits.

God Save The Internet

I'm sure by now everyone's heard about the Save The Internet campaign. Telephone and cable companies are lobbying Congress to end network neutrality. This would give said companies the ability to restrict what you can see and do on the Internet. Basically, if Site X pays more money to the telecom companies than Site Y, they can make Site Y load m-u-c-h slower, if at all. It could also lead to a la carte pricing. Imagine having to pay x dollars a month just to visit Blogger sites. Or imagine having to pay a certain amount for every single site you visit. Would you pay to read this site? Neither would I.

So, have you signed the petition yet?

Not only is the protest strong, it's got its own protest song. God Save The Internet is by The Broadband (Jill Sobule, Kay Hanley (former Letters To Cleo singer), and Michelle Lewis). You can download it for free here.

When You Care Enough To Send The Very Worst

Based on my search engine hits the past few days, I'm the Hallmark of the Internet. A lot of people have come here looking for Father's Day poems, songs, etc.

Some of you will get sweet cards:

kind words to say to your father on fathers day
poems about dads
stay at home dad father's day CARD

Some of you will be get funny cards:

fun songs with word dad in
funny dads day phrases
funny saying for dads day
funny songs about dads
funny things about dads
funny things my dad did
funny things kids say about their dads
Funny things that Kids really think of their Father
funny words for dad
humorous poems about dads
really funny fathers day

Some of you will get cards that are far from sweet and funny:

FATHER'S DAY POEM TO A FATHER THAT WASNT REALLY AROUND
Poems about dads who walked out
Poems about dads that are not around
poems for dads that leave
poems on when a child dad dont show that they love there children
sarcastic fathers day cards for dads who left their kids
sarcastic father poems

At least one of you should duck when you get your card:

"i hate you" fathers day cards

And then there's this poor bastard:

a little poem for my dad on fathers day who has only died in the last three months

Sunday Morning Hangover

Since it's Father's Day, I'm ditching the usual Sunday Morning Hangover links this week. Instead, I'd like you to visit some of my favorite dads and give them a big slobbery kiss. Tell 'em Chag sent you.

Happy Father's Day, everyone!

In Lieu Of An Actual Entry, Let's Make Fun Of Stupid People!

I realize I haven't done this in awhile, so enjoy these recent interesting/amusing/demented search phrases people have used to get to my site:

What kind of dad am I?
Folks, Google is not your psychiatrist. It is not a Magic 8-Ball. It does not cure herpes. It is a search engine. Treat it as such.

smile for mr camera show me your teeth school picture day
Is it just me or does this creep you out too?

all different kind of poems for dads who are not there for there child
How about this one:
Dad, since you've gone, my life's gone to hell.
If only you had stayed, maybe I would have learned to spell.

catch-it cost cat diapers
Moving along...

beethoven drunk and bitch father
Do you ever get the feeling that some people just type random words into Google just to see what pops up? Like they're playing some sort of Web Mad Libs or something?

caillou is a whiny bitch
See? I'm not the only person who feels this way.

daddy died holding me poems
Did a pirate perform this search? Arrrrrh! Ahoy, me matey!

It's late. I apologize for that corny joke.

attention grabber for the heimlich maneuver
Stick out your tongue. Make your eyes bug out of your head. Put your hands to your throat. Turn purple. Hopefully this will grab someone's attention.

"class picture" "kid vomiting"
Yikes! Someone won't be ordering extra prints this year.

diaper changing how many times per day
Dude? Diaper changing happens on an as-needed basis. You can't just say around 6:30 PM, "But I've already changed your diaper your allotted nine times today! You'll have to stew in it until morning."

Is Dad supposed to celebrate Mother's Day?
If Dad wants to live to see Father's Day.

really bored mommies
... read Cynical Dad! Meet my new slogan.

i don't like soccer moms and soccer moms don't like me
Then take your ball and go home.

a story about a freshly scrubbed floor
Oooooh! Erotica for obsessive-compulsives.

how can i tell what my children look like
Um, look at them?

derek jeter and johnny damon Brokeback Mountain
Which one of my Red Sox readers performed this search? Arwen?

change diaper blindfolded
Some people need to find new ways to add a little excitement to their lives.

elephant wrinkles laurie berkner
Yeah, I think Laurie's looking a little rough lately, too. But elephant wrinkles? That's a little harsh.

How to handle someone who is always late
Kill them. Seriously, nobody digs tardiness.

Satan Fellatio
If any of you have a fourteen-year-old son trying to name his garage band, please pass this along. He (and I) will thank you for it.

Previous Search Engine Fun:
Stuff Only I Care About VIII
Stuff Only I Care About VI
Stuff Only I Care About IV
Stuff Only I Care About

Stuff Only I Care About VIII

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Yankees

The New York Yankees are 8-8 and two games behind Boston. Ugh.

Good News: The Yankees are 7-4 in their last eleven games.

Bad News: The Yankees have only won one series this season.

Worse News: The Yankees are 1-8 in games in which they've scored five runs or fewer.

Sunday Morning Hangover

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

Dutch and Wood discuss the birth of their relationship.
Genuine shares his first time.
Kristen (from Home On The Fringe) discovers why role-playing with her son always ventures to the dark side.
Kristen (from Motherhood Uncensored) impersonates her favorite female bloggers.
Lucinda and her husband are potty-trained by their daughter.
MC GGC (Girl's Gone Child) lays down another awesome track. Word.
Weirdgirl lists items parents should be able to include on their résumés.

More Fun With Google

Here are some recent search terms people have used to get to my site:

M&M marriage on the rocks
Um, dude? I think you want to search for Eminem marriage on the rocks. Unless you know something about the candy world I don't.
i dont want to be buried
Neither do I. I want to be stuffed and displayed in the family room.
preschooler playing with his feces
Stop him! Then look it up on Google.
zoey girls gone wild
Which one of you bastards performed this search just to mess with my head?
fish head stew
Nothing funny here, but I did learn this week that there are quite a few people looking for fish head stew. So if you have a recipe, please pass it along.
tomboy daughter takes top off to play sports
Why do I feel like I'll be telling stories like this in a few years?
do you ever find yourself humming or singing parts of a TV commercial
Not often. See, I have TiVo, the world's greatest invention, so I fast forward through most commercials.
Kids give you gray hair
And ulcers, migraines, and an ever-shrinking savings account.
"gates of hell" sex story toy
Is that where one of you dresses up as the Devil? I really want to know what this person was looking for.

And this from MSN:

how to raise a neurotic child
Follow my lead.

Stuff Only You Care About

Every so often in this space I plan to answer readers' questions like MetroDad does (only my answers will be neither interesting nor amusing). So if you have a question about my family or me, would like to see me elaborate on something I've written, would like parenting advice (snicker), or just want to ask a silly question, drop me a line. As long as it's not too revealing (remember, I'm extremely paranoid (and you'll see why after I answer this week's question)), I'll try to answer a few questions every week or so.

Unless there's a total lack of interest. Which very well may be the case as I am not very interesting.

Here's this week's question:
Several people wondered about the death threats I alluded to in my Cynical Dad 3.0 (A Love Letter To John & Kristen) entry.

Before I was a Cynical Dad, I was an Angry Young Man. I wrote a monthly web 'zine that parodied and satirized anyone and everyone. In the process, I irritated and/or confused many people, including Southern Baptists, English professors, and in one case, an Amnesty International representative.

But nothing I did caused as much harm as writing three simple words: No thank you.

I accepted submissions from readers on my old site. One day, I received a poem from a woman. It was bad. Rambling, drunk-at-open-mike-night bad. Stuff about space and Jesus and the Virgin Mary. I sent her back an email that read "No thank you."

Big mistake.

She started sending more and more poems, every one worse than the one before it. I must've received fifty or sixty poems from her (I even published some of them on my site (but none of the death threat ones) after things cooled down a bit). But I never responded to a single one.

Apparently, the only thing worse than rejecting a psychopath is ignoring a psychopath.

I soon became the subject matter (along with space, Jesus, and the Virgin Mary). Her poems turned nastier and nastier. Towards the end, she was talking about cutting out my eyeballs and my tongue. Silly stuff like that.

I laughed at the emails. But I was also single. Now, I have a wife and kids to worry about. That's why I don't actively try to piss off people anymore. And try not to reveal too much about myself.

You asked.

Stuff Only I Care About VI

DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK

Spin posted a review of Guns N' Roses' Chinese Democracy. It's pretty much what I expected. You can read the review here.

DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK REDUX

It's funny. On Monday, Ella and I were having conversations about actors and musicians, playing the "Whatever happened to...?" game. One of our subjects was the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Today, I read on You Ain't No Picasso that they have a new video out. The song, Dani California, sucks but the video, in which they perform as many different bands, is cool. You can check it out here.

DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK REDUX REDUX

I watch entirely too much television. Sue me. Anyway, one of my favorite shows started its second season on Friday night. Wonder Showzen is a very demented little "children's show" (BUT IT IS DEFINITELY NOT FOR KIDS) that makes South Park look like Dora the Explorer.

DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK REDUX REDUX REDUX

Baseball season starts tonight. And how did the Yankees go about strengthening their weak starting rotation? By picking up Johnny Damon! They'll really need to live up to the Bronx Bombers nickname this year.

Go Yankees!

SUNDAY MORNING HANGOVER

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

MC GGC (Girl's Gone Child) needs a girls night out.
Mir enjoys a night of Bingo with her kids.
Mrs. Fortune asks the Internet to help name her child.
Rockstar Mommy hires Laurie Berkner to babysitter her children.
Wood has tea with her pediatrician.

FUN WITH GOOGLE

Here are some recent search terms people have used to get to my site:

pimping my hi 5
Wait! Is this like Pimp My Ride, only with children's television icons? If so, there's no one that needs pimping like Hi-5. We love that show, but God it seems their wardrobe people are not only stuck in the 80s, but are also blind.
imagine all the carnage when 22 grams of self
Imagine all the carnage if I had any idea what you're talking about.
spotted seal digestive system
And next week we'll discuss the mating habits of the armadillo.
dad hated my long hair
So I ran away from home, joined a band, and am now bussing tables at Chili's. I showed him.
rat feces in peanut butter manufacturing?
Yes. Not much has changed since George Washington Carver's days.
repeat the tylenol if kids throw up the medicine
Who needs pediatricians when you have Dr. Google? He makes house calls, after all.
crying fellatio
If someone's crying during fellatio, you ain't doing it right.
fellatio while breastfeeding
Damn, dude. Can't you keep it in your pants for a few more minutes?

Stuff Only I Care About

Hi. Welcome to the fist installment of Stuff Only I Care About. Every weekend, I plan to write about a few things that interest me that DO NOT INVOLVE MY CHILDREN.

You've been forewarned.

GN'R LIES

For the past few years, I've felt like we have had a better chance of finding Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, or Osama bin Laden than putting our paws on the long-awaited Chinese Democracy from ~~Axl Rose~~ Guns N' Roses.

Maybe not.

Last weekend, three new Guns N' Roses songs were "leaked." I've had the pleasure of listening to all three and, truth be told, I am unimpressed. I guess my anticipation has been building for so long that the music did not (and could not) meet my expectations. Imagine if you were a kid and Christmas came once every ten years. At this point, Axl Rose could release Pet Sounds vs. The White Album and I would still be unimpressed.

There's a lot that's wrong with the new songs. What's up with the drum loops? Why does The Blues sound like Estranged Part Deux? And why do you have to strain to hear Axl's vocal track? Axl IS Guns N' Roses. Please bring the vocal track up in the final mix, Geffen.

I still hold out hope for the rest of the album. I'll still buy it. But I'm not as excited about it as I once was.

Regardless, I still feel Appetite For Destruction is easily one of the top ten, if not top five, most important/influential albums ever, right up there with It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back, London Calling, Nevermind, Never Mind The Bollocks Here's The Sex Pistols, and Girl You Know It's True.

AND SPEAKING OF THE PISTOLS

In a handwritten note published on their website (which reads as if it was written by my three-year-old daughter), the Sex Pistols announced that they would not be attending this year's Rock And Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony. I'm a bit sad. I would've loved to hear Lydon rage against fellow inductee Lynyrd Skynyrd. And to see him share the same stage as Ozzy. Oh well.

SUNDAY MORNING HANGOVER

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

Dutch questions his manliness.
Lucinda creates the world's funniest chain email.
MetroDad tries to fool a motion sensor in his Vegas minibar.
Mir details her daughter's disappointment in not winning the Invention Convention (why do I feel I'll be writing the exact same post in three years?).
Susan dissects the Mommy Wars.
Weirdgirl reviews the Roomba.

IS THAT A FRUIT ROLL-UP IN YOUR POCKET OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?

Kristen at Motherhood Uncensored is having a contest inspired by some insipid writer. She wants you to send in your funniest pornographic/risqué/sexy line accidentally uttered by you or your child. You can win a MotherDuds t-shirt or 500 Blog Explosion points (sorry, I have no idea what that means). Or if you're the grand prize winner, you get both! I know I'm not the only one who has a child that speaks like a pornstar, so send in your entry!

FUN WITH GOOGLE

Here are some recent search terms people have used to get to my site:

preschooler sticking finger in butt
As long as he's sticking it in his own butt, I say don't worry.
father playing trick on son linda blair
I would love to see what this guy has in mind.
dad uses video to scare child
It must have been Barney's Great Adventure. Or Faces of Death. Both are equally terrifying.
The Kind of Dad i want to be
Dude, I am definitely not the kind of dad you want to be.

And this one from Yahoo!:

stay at home moms makes porno
Susan, this is why you guys aren't winning the Mommy Wars. Or maybe this is why you guys are winning the Mommy Wars.

Is There A Way To Segue From Vomit To Fellatio?

Ugh. Sickness has once again ravaged the Cynical Dad household. And I'm too tired to be funny (and you think to yourself, "The rest of the stuff on this site is supposed to be funny?"). I apologize in advance.

After dinner last night, Zoey started complaining of a tummy ache. Ella gave Zoey her bath while she complained and whined the entire time (Zoey, not Ella). Ella put her to bed. Forty-five minutes later, the whining started again. I went in her room and checked on her, but Zoey was just thrashing around in the bed, still asleep but moaning. I didn't think much of it. About five minutes later, the moaning got a little louder.

I went in her room to find her standing on her bed, vomiting all over the place. Fun times!

After she got it out of her system, she seemed to be much better. She wasn't whiny and was talking and giggling while Ella gave her another bath. We changed the sheets on her bed, read her a few more books, and tucked her into bed again.

Twenty minutes later, more vomit!

Since she was now out of linens for her bed, we decided Zoey would sleep with Ella, and I would sleep in the guest bedroom. Ella got her cleaned up and let her watch television (by now it was midnight) in the bed. Thank God for PBS Kids!

Sixty minutes later, more vomit! Of course, nothing was left in her system at this point, so it was the clear kind that of vomit one can really get some distance out of (especially if you retained anything from Physics class).

Another bath. More sheets on our bed. More vomit thirty minutes later (this would be a good point to use the phrase ad nauseam, but it's a little too pun-errific for my tastes, so let's just forget I brought it up, okay?).

The last of the vomiting finally occurred around 5:00 AM. But then our old friend Mr. Fever showed up! She has just been lying around the house all day, taking long, frequent naps. Hell, I wanted to as well after last night's fun, but since Zed is apparently some mutant half-shark-half-man creature and is getting a second row of teeth behind his first row, I had to walk him around the house while Zoey was sleeping. When Zoey was awake, the poor boy would just look at me from either his bouncy seat or his playpen as if to say, "Dude? Over here! Why aren't you carrying me around?"

If I find the Outbreak monkey that has been passing on all these germs to Zoey, I'm gonna... give his mom an angry glare in the preschool parking lot! That'll show 'em!

And On A Lighter Note

Lots of people end up here by doing crazy searches via Google. My favorite Google search term of the week: college fellatio parties. I'm sorry, dude, but you came to the wrong site for that. And if you eventually found what you were looking for on some other site, you are one lucky man.

I miss college.

GHS: 4