Chag Libs, Vol. VI: The Final Chapter

This is it. The final batch of questions. YEE-HAW!

Let's begin with Cathy's questions:

1. What do you think of Extreme Home Makeover?
I've never seen it. When Zoey was first born, she had her days and nights mixed up. Ella and I spent most of Zoey's first month in the living room, drifting in and out of sleep, and watching Trading Spaces marathons. It was during this time that I became allergic to Ty Pennington.

2. When did you last cry?
I haven't cried since I answered Mom-101's question.

3. "goodbye" or "see you later"? Why?
See you later. Goodbye is so final.

But I'm lazy so I just say, "Later."

4. What did you eat for breakfast?
A Diet Pepsi. I don't usually eat breakfast. I'd rather have the extra seven minutes of sleep.

5. What's your favorite movie?
Jaws. Yeah, it's cheesy. But it's 100 different kinds of awesome.

6. How would you plan a vacation?
We're a family of four. While we can plan a location and dates for a vacation, when it comes to setting an agenda for the vacation… Well, that's just ridiculous.

We're going to the beach in a few weeks. Just for kicks, I'm going to "plan" one of our days. I'll let you guys know how successful we are.

7. Whom would you most like to play baseball (or any sport) with?
My favorite Yankee has always been Don Mattingly, so I'd probably go with him. Or Chuck Knoblauch. It would be fun to play catch with him to see if he ever got over the yips. I can look back and giggle now, but there was a time when Yankee fans collectively held their breath every time he had to make a throw to first.

***

And finally, here are Kittenpie's questions:

1. What do you think of celebrity gossip?
I don't seek it out. Sure, I'll scan the headlines of the rags when I'm waiting my turn in line at the grocery store. And I'll come across a nugget or two on some of the parenting blogs I read. But I don't really follow it.

That said, I seem to be more in the know about this stuff than my wife is.

2. When did you last spend a day doing things entirely for yourself?
1982. At least it feels this way.

When was the last time any of us spent a day doing things entirely for ourselves?

3a. Over the roll or under the roll? Why?
Over! Only savages dispense the toilet paper under the roll.

3b. Cats or dogs? Why?
Dogs. Dogs are fun, playful, and loyal. Cats hate people.

3c. Ketchup on eggs or not? Why?
Not. Ketchup should not be put on anything.

Seriously, if I catch the faintest whiff of ketchup, I almost gag.

4. What did you study in college, or find most interesting as a topic at that age if you didn't go?
Chemistry.

5. What's your favorite beer?
I'm a cheap date. I'll take a Miller High Life (there's a reason it's called The Champagne Of Beers) or a Yuengling.

6. How would you prefer your daughter to grow up -girly or tomboy?
A tomboy. But it's a lost cause.

There was a time when my daughter was a tomboy.

And then she started preschool. The end.

Seriously, I don't know what happened, but within a week of starting preschool at age 3, she came home babbling about princesses and crap like that. It's all gone downhill since then.

7. Whom would you most like to slap upside the head with a cold, slimy octopus?
The Detroit Red Wings fans who started that barbaric tradition of tossing octopi on the ice.

Thank You

Oh good Christ, I'm glad that's over with. How about you?

As a way of saying thanks for putting up with this little experiment, I'd like to buy you all a donut. Just go to your local Krispy Kreme on June 6th and tell them, "Chag sent you" and they'll give you a free donut.

Ok. That's a lie. But June 6th is really Free Donut Day at participating Krispy Kreme stores. Just go in and they'll give you a free donut (any flavor -- not just glazed). But my Canadian homies will have to cross the border to get theirs. It's a US-only thing.

Song of the day: Friends Of P. by The Rentals

Chag Libs, Vol. V: Bounty Hunters, Scott Weiland, and Maggie Seaver

Only one more batch of questions after this set!

We'll start with Missy's questions:

1. What do you think of STP getting back together?
I love it. I never thought Scott Weiland was a good fit with Slash and the rest of Velvet Revolver. I love Weiland's 70s glam side, which was totally suppressed by Velvet Revolver.

STP never received the respect they deserved. Everyone was too busy fawning over Nirvana (rightfully so) and Pearl Jam (yuck).

2. When did you last get a good night's sleep?
If your definition of a good night's sleep is eight hours or more, the last time that happened had to have been when I was sick a few months back. I function fine after five hours or so a night, so I feel like I get a good night's sleep every night.

But if my body totally stops working when I turn forty, I guess I'll be proven wrong.

3. HD or Blu-ray? Why?
I guess I would have to go with Blu-ray since it won the DVD war. But I won't be investing in either format anytime soon. I can't remember the last time I watched a DVD that wasn't a children's DVD and while my DVD collection isn't massive, it's large enough that I wouldn't want to upgrade my movies for better resolution.

But then again, we don't have HDTV, either. So don't listen to me.

4. What did you think of Bill Belichick's comments on spygate?
It would appear that Bill Belichick has been misinterpreting the rules cheating since 2001. I still believe his one-game suspension was too light (should've been at least six games if not an entire season). But since Roger Goodell knew of these past indiscretions when he levied the fines and suspensions, there's nothing more to do. Even though Belichick won't publicly admit he was wrong, I think it's time to move on.

Now the allegations of his players practicing while on IR? That's an entirely different can of worms.

5. What's your favorite quilty pleasure?
Knit One, Pearl Two! Quilters in the house hollah!

My current guilty pleasure is the Big Taste Taco from Taco Bell. It has "crunchy red strips" and "creamy jalapeno sauce." And it's very yummy and cheap (99 cents).

Because sometimes I still eat like a college kid.

6. How would you deal with another baby?
I don't think I could deal with another baby unless I grew a third arm or an extra head. But then I'd be living the rock star life on the Freakshow Circuit, so it wouldn't matter.

7. Whom would you most like to see at OzzFest?
While I do enjoy some of the bands that have appeared at OzzFest (Sabbath, Pantera, Rob Zombie, and a few others), most of that stuff is too heavy for my taste. So I'd like to see an entirely different genre at OzzFest.

***

Here are Beastmom's questions:

1. What do you think of bounty hunters?
At one time, I thought it was a pretty cool gig. You get to carry a gun, capture fugitives, and kick in doors. Who wouldn't love to spend their days kicking in doors?

2. When did you last say, "I too should be a bounty hunter?"
It would have been before I watched HBO's Family Bonds and learned just how unglamorous the bounty hunter lifestyle really is.

3. Artificial turf or grass? Why?
Grass is safer for athletes, it's prettier, and if you have talented groundskeepers, they can mow some really cool designs in the grass.

But I would love to replace my grass with artificial turf.

4. What did you say to yourself when you first saw Ella?
"Do I really want to get involved with a stripper?"

Kidding!

I said something along the lines of "She's hot. I should go over and talk to her. She's looking over here. I should go over and talk to her. She just looked at me again."

"I hope she comes over and talks to me."

5. What's your favorite stretch of road to drive fast on?
School zones.

I'm a boring, law-abiding citizen. When I drive, I set the cruise control to 3-5 miles above the speed limit, so I'm never driving fast. I'm just too damn paranoid.

6. How would you get rid of a snake if one got in your house?
Does Animal Control charge money to get rid of animals? If so, I would probably arm myself with a broom and a trashcan and try to nudge the snake into the trashcan, and then set it free outside.

But then again, a few days ago I was ready to wrestle a water buffalo over $3.

7. Whom would you most like to whack with the Chuck E. Cheese Gopher-Mallet-Of-Death?
The founder of Chuck E. Cheese's.

***

Finally, it's Mandy's turn:

1. What do you think of Ultimate Fighting?
Not my scene. I'm not into ultimate fighting, boxing, or anything like that. Guess I got my fill of watching men punch each other from watching wrestling as a kid.

2. When did you last put your foot in your mouth?
Let's see… when did I last talk to someone?

I lack the filter that says, "Don't say that, dumbass!" whenever I'm about to say something stupid. This is one of the reasons I don't talk much.

3. Maggie Seaver or Mrs Keaton? Why?
Mrs. Keaton always seemed a little bit uptight. Maggie, on the other hand, looked like she'd be ready to go on the kitchen table.

4. What did you regret NOT doing in college/university?
Completing the final semester and a half needed to obtain my degree.

(And if I've lied to any/all/none of you about this, I'm sorry. I'm still ashamed that I was so close and failed to get my degree.)

5. What's your favourite vice (your own)?
Drinking.

6. How would you like to see George W Bush spending his retirement days?
I'd like to see him return to baseball. Maybe he could run the Red Sox?

7. Whom would you most like to sit down with you at a dinner party (living or dead)?
Living. Dead people would stink up the room.

***

Only one more of these left to do! Are you excited?

Song of the day: Never Say Never by Romeo Void

Chag Libs, Vol. IV: Cheese, Will Shortz, and 21 Jump Street

Are you tired of me yet?

Here are some questions from Velma:

1. What do you think of Anthony Bourdain?
I had no idea who Anthony Bourdain was until you posed this question. Still don't, other than he hosts a show on The Discovery Channel and is apparently a pretty good cook. Or is that not who you were asking about?

2. When did you last read a book that was so good you were bummed out when you finished it?
I can't recall ever feeling that way about a book (or a movie). Maybe I haven't been reading the right stuff?

3. Chicken or egg? Why?
Chickens are tastier.

If you're asking me which came first, it's the egg (but not a chicken egg). A pterodactyl and a velociraptor fell in love and had a very strange-looking baby.

4. What did you want to be when you grew up?
A rock star. Ever since I was three.

But since I was a poor singer, an even worse musician, and was terrified of performing on stage, it wasn't meant to be.

When I did sing in bands, I would pace back and forth, looking at the floor the entire the time. Awesome stage presence!

5. What's your favorite Terrence Trent D'Arby song?
If You All Get To Heaven. Anyone remember the 21 Jump Street episode that featured this song?

6. How would you spend two weeks on your own?
Missing my wife and kids.

On Day Fourteen!

Seriously, I don't think I could spend two weeks on my own. Four days, tops.

But if I had four days to spend on my own, I would rent a remote cabin and fish all day to clear my head. And by remote I mean there has to be a Target within ten miles. And by cabin I mean a hotel room with cable. And by fish all day I mean hang out in strip clubs fish all day.

7. Whom would you most like to emulate?
Will Shortz. Dude edits the crossword for The New York Times and is the Sudoku God. Cool gig.

***

And here are some more from Jef:

1. What do you think of Jenna and Barbara Bush?
Up until a few days ago when Jenna Bush got married, I thought the Bush girls were being held in Buffalo Bill's pit. During the first year or so of Bush's presidency, it seems they were in the news every other week. And then POOF! They vanished.

But I think they've done quite well. These girls were nineteen years old when their father became President. This is a time when most of us start figuring out who we really are. Nineteen was difficult enough for me and I didn't have the added pressure of the Secret Service trailing my every move.

2. When did you last have to pee?
Ten minutes ago. I have the bladder of a pregnant woman. I could get so much more done in a day if I wore Depends.

3. Britney or Lindsey? Why?
Lindsey. I have a thing for redheads, plus she's less crazy and is more talented. But that's like saying Richard Grieco has more talent than Peter DeLuise.

Wow! Two 21 Jump Street references in one post! That means I get to be the new President of the Johnny Depp Fan Club.

Do you know they're making a 21 Jump Street movie? Hollywood's Idea Well has officially run dry.

4. What did you last eat that made you fart?
My words.

5. What's your favorite cheese?
ALL! Cheese is the perfect food. I can't really pick a favorite. Do they make cheese-covered cheese?

The only reason I look forward to my weekly outings to the fancy-schmancy grocery store is because of all the free cheese samples.

Me: I had some really good cheese at the grocery store today. But it was seventeen bucks a pound!
Ella: Really?
Me: There was a little bowl next to it. I thought it was Worcestershire sauce, but I tried it and it was wine. Do people dip cheese in wine?
Ella: No. That's to give you an idea of how the cheese tastes with wine.

It's moments like this that make me realize I shouldn't leave the farm and travel into the Big City.

6. How would you hit on your wife if you didn't know her?
Hey baby! How'd you like to support me and my two kids?

I'd have her eating out of my hand!

7. Whom would you most like to have in your zombie shelter?
Albert Einstein, Steven Hawking, and Marilyn Vos Savant. By the time the zombies were finished eating their gigantic brains, I'd be 100 miles away.

***

And now it's Whit's turn:

1. What do you think of processed cheese food?
I think we should honor it on our money.

2. When did you last pee in the shower?
This morning. I'm all about multi-tasking.

3. Steak or tofu? Why?
Steak. Other than pizza, I don't eat things that end in vowels.

I also don't eat things that taste like tires.

4. What did you always want for Xmas?
A Red Ryder BB gun!

The one thing I wanted for Christmas that I never received was a Yamaha DX-7. All the bands in the early 80s had a DX-7. I guess two grand was too much money to spend on a synthesizer for a thirteen-year old. Hell, two grand is too much money to spend on anything for a thirteen-year old.

Maybe that's why I never became a rock star!

5. What's your favorite emo song?
All By Myself by Eric Carmen.

6. How would you like to be king for just one day?
I would give it all away to be with you.

7. Whom would you most like to vote off the island?
Me.

Song of the day: Runaway by Bon Jovi

Chag Libs, Vol. III: Orgies, George Clooney, And Beef Jerky

It's time for the third batch of questions! Try to contain your excitement.

Here are some questions from i-magine:

1. What do you think of the future of education in a nation that is rapidly becoming digitized?
Soon, kids will only need to learn how to read, write, and do simple math. Everything else can just be stored on their iMinds, which will be implanted at birth. They'll get upgrades every few years, but for the most part, they won't need to go to school because everything they need to know will already be stored on their brains' hard drives. We'll be able to send kids to work at six or seven. Suck on that, China!

All joking aside, the public education system frightens me. But to be fair, we have had nothing but good experiences thus far.

2. When did you last read an actual book, the print kind?
I'm currently reading Optimal Treatment For Children With Autism And Other Neuropsychiatric Conditions.
.
3. Begals or Toast? Why?
I don't really understand what you're asking me here. If you're asking me if I prefer bagels over toast, I'll have to pick toast because bagels are too chewy. If you're asking me if I prefer Bengals over toast, I'll have to pick Bengals because I'll watch any NFL game. If you're asking me if I prefer beagles over toast, I'll have to pick toast because beagles are too chewy.

4. What did you secretly say to yourself the first time you saw your child?
Holy Hell! Am I ready for this?

5. What's your favorite obscure movie?
The Beat. It's a movie from 1988 about a weird kid who starts attending a gang-ridden high school. He wins them over with his offbeat poetry.

I realize my description doesn't make you guys want to rush out and track this film down. But it's really good and fairly obscure (it's only received 85 votes on IMDB).

6. How would you spend Father's Day this year?
Breakfast (donuts) in bed, a trip to the zoo, maybe some time for myself to check out a few used CD and book stores, followed by some games with the family.

7. Whom would you most like to be stranded in an elevator with?
Any of the three following people would suffice:

1. The girl who was the inspiration for Aerosmith's Love In An Elevator.
2. George Clooney, so I could prove to him he's not the sexiest man alive.
3. An elevator repairman.
   

***

Here are some questions from FearandParentinginLasVegas:

1. What do you think of the Olympics in China? Do you not watch because of the Tibet thing, or do you watch to support an earthquake-ravaged country?
I won't be watching. I only care about professional and college football (and my interest in college football has waned over the years), college basketball, and professional baseball. I never watch the Olympics.

2. When did you last talk to your parents?
My father died many years ago. I talk to my mother every day on the phone and see her at least every two to three weeks.

3. Astrology or Numerology? Why?
I don't buy into any of that stuff.

4. What did you tell your daughter when you found out your son was autistic?
We told her the truth. We also told her that not everyone learns things the same way or at the same pace. We also told her that there would be times when he wouldn't want to play with her (of course, there are times when she doesn't want to play with him).

But she's beginning to notice the differences between her brother and other kids his age. She was complaining the other day that her brother couldn't say her name yet her friend's two-year-old brother could say her name. It breaks her heart.

5. What's your favorite way to distract your children so you can blog?
Put them to bed! I blog after they've gone to bed for the night, so they're not usually a distraction.

6. How would you convince Ella that an orgy was a good idea??
There's no chance of that happening. But to give myself even the slightest chance, in addition to filling her with liquor, my plea would have to begin with, "Honey, I have a week to live..."

7. Whom would you most like to see put in a torture chamber for 24 hours?
I feel like I've been torturing you guys the last few days with my sometimes flippant, sometimes serious, and seldom funny answers to these questions. Sorry about that.

But if I have to pick someone, I'll go with the Vice President because something tells me he'd enjoy it. At the very least, he'd probably be shouting out suggestions to his torturers.

***

Finally, here are Mom-101's questions:

1. What do you think of beef jerky?
It's tough and salty, just like me. Actually, I can't stand the stuff. Just like me!

But I will giggle when I hear the words turkey jerky.

2. When did you last cry?
Fairly recently. Last week, maybe?

3. Spiderman or Batman? Why?
Ok. Here's the answer that gets me kicked out of the Guy Club.

I don't really care for superheroes. I was never into comic books as a kid. I'll watch a superhero movie if it's late at night, nothing else is on, and I'm trying to fall asleep.

I believe the only superhero movie I've seen in the theaters was Batman (I don't have the best memory, so I may be mistaken). And that was only because I was a big Tim Burton fan.

4. What did you expect us to ask you that we didn't?
I was expecting more music-related questions. But maybe I've already run that subject into the ground. Or maybe I have crappy taste in music and nobody cares what I say about the subject.

So I'm going to pretend you asked me the following question: What's your favorite song right now?

Normally I loathe this band, but I'm really digging Coldplay's U2-Lite Viva La Vida. Damn you, iTunes commercials!

5. What's your favorite movie theater snack?
We sneak sodas and M&M's into the theater.

Bonus trivia: I don't like popcorn.

6. How would you like to lend me a million dollars?
Sure thing! But only if you give me two million dollars first.

7. Whom would you most like to make out with in the back of a movie theater, should spousal permission be granted?
My wife (hi, hon!).

Ok. She's gone.

You could ask me this question twenty times and get twenty different answers. But the first name that popped into my head was Scarlett Johansson.

***

We're halfway done! More to come tomorrow.

Song of the day: Sometimes She Cries by Warrant

Chag Libs, Vol. II: Sex Toys, Breastfeeding, And Ann Coulter

Ready for the second batch of questions? I'm going to pretend you said, "Yes."

Here are Jenny's questions:

1. What do you think of Neil Young?
I've always thought he was overrated. I do like a few of his songs, but for the most part, I don't see what the fuss is all about.

2. When did you last handle a sex toy?
Last weekend, when the kids and I were shopping for the perfect Mother's Day gift for Ella.

3. Allen Ginsberg or Jack Kerouac? Why?
Kerouac. High School Chag thought On The Road was the bee's knees. High School Chag was confused about a lot of things.

4. What did you do yesterday?
Celebrated Mother's Day. Due to a major illness in our household, festivities were put on hold for a week. We also visited our mothers and celebrated with them.

5. What's your favorite b-movie?
Ok. My definition of B-movie may differ from yours. When I think B-movie, I think of Plan 9 From Outer Space. That's the standard, right? But what else falls in the B-movie category? Movies with bad acting and no budget?

If that's the case, most of my favorite movies probably fall under this category since I'm a big fan of 80s horror flicks. Stuff like Friday The 13th, April Fool's Day, Halloween, and My Bloody Valentine (just pick a date or a holiday and if there's a horror movie related to it, there's a damn good chance I'm a fan).

But I can't pick a favorite horror movie. That's like asking me to choose between my kids.

6. How would you survive in the desert?
I wouldn't. I'm a delicate little flower. I don't do well with heat. Within thirty minutes, I would probably be stripping off my clothes and begging the vultures to put me out of my misery.

7. Whom would you most like to smoke pot with?
Willie Nelson. You know he's got some good stories to tell (dude smoked a joint on the roof of the White House!). Plus you know he can get you the really good shit.

Or maybe Snoop Dogg.

***

Here are Surfer Jay's questions:

1. What do you think of breastfeeding a three year old?
I believe that as long as you're not messing up my world or harming others, you should be able to do whatever you want. That said, if I were a woman, I doubt I'd still be breastfeeding when my child is three. But that's probably because I'd be spending all my free time fondling myself.

2. When did you last lie to your son about his art work?
I have never lied to my son about his art work. He is not much for the visual arts: he does not like crayons, paints, and all that jazz. He's a musician.

But I have lied to my daughter plenty of times about her art work. When she was a toddler, I couldn't tell what the hell she was drawing half of the time. But now she's really developed into quite the little artist.

3. Whiskey or Vicodin for teething pains? Why?
We were lucky: neither of our kids experienced much discomfort when teething. Other than a few doses of Tylenol, the process was pretty painless.

4. What did you call your stepmother (under your breath) the first time you got into an argument with her?
Once again, I've been very lucky. I have never gotten into an argument with my mother-in-law (I'm assuming you meant mother-in-law and not stepmother).

5. What's your favorite blog to send messages to under another name?
Considering Chag is neither my real name or a nickname, I comment on all blogs under another name. If you're asking if I have yet another fake identity that I use for a separate set of blogs, the answer is no. I haven't become that crazy.

Yet.

6. How would you rate your parenting skills, when your wife wasn’t in the room listening?
Fair to middling, whether she was in the room or not.

Nah, I like to think I'm doing a pretty good job on most days.

7. Whom would you most like to throw a soiled diaper at?
Ann Coulter.

***

Finally, here are Sarah's questions:

1. What do you think of ________?
It was bad enough when celebrities were the only ones ________. But now it seems like everybody is ________. Hell, I've seen a few kids ________ at my daughter's elementary school. Can you believe that? Little kids ________! I'd like to find the guy who started ________ and beat him with a stick.

Sorry. This is a sore subject with me. ________ really pisses me off.

(Um, Sarah? You forgot to fill in the blank.)

2. When did you last see a live band play?
In February I saw a children's band play. Does that count? No?

Then I really can't remember the last time I saw a live band play. It's been far too long, though.

3. Red or white wine? Why?
Neither. I don't like wine.

4. What did you do for a living before kids?
Web crap. But I had a nice office and not a cubicle!

Basically, I wrote scripts to improve functionality in the company's online catalog, created search applications, administered the database, blah, blah, blah. I could go on, but I'm probably already boring you.

5. What's your favorite tv show (ever)?
NewsRadio.

Soap would be a close second.

6. How would you explain periods to a four year old?
I wouldn't. That's Mom's job.

7. Whom would you most like to fight?
It would have to be someone smaller and frailer than me because I wouldn't want to lose.

Tom Cruise?

Webster?

A three-year old?

There you go! See you next time.

Song of the day: Wait by White Lion

Chag Libs, Vol. I: Yoko Ono, Helper Monkeys, And Flossing

First of all, thanks for the questions. I'm planning on tackling three sets of these questions at a time. I'll still have normal posts here and there, but I'll try my best to answer all the questions as soon as possible. And if you haven't had a chance to ask your questions and would like to do so, just click here, read the instructions, and leave a comment. Just remember: if you ask a fool a question, you'll get a foolish answer.

Let's kick things off with some questions from Jozet:

1. What do you think of Yoko Ono?
Never really got her. I know some people think she's a gifted artist and all that, but she never did anything for me.

2. When did you last roller skate?
While roller skating when I was four, I slipped, hit my neck on the railing, and ended up in the hospital for ten days. Damn near broke my neck.

But that didn't prevent me from going to the roller rink countless times while I was in middle school. I was all about The Couples' Skate.

So to answer your question, I probably haven't roller skated since seventh or eighth grade. I was always more into skateboarding.

3. The Who or The Stones? Why?
If we're comparing bodies of work, the Stones win hands down. But if I compared my five favorite Who songs against my five favorite Stones songs, I would have to give the nod to The Who. A Quick One While He's Away is one of my all-time favorite songs.

4. What did you look like in fifth grade?
Shorter. But still sexy as hell.

5. What's your favorite mob movie?
I know the answer's supposed to be The Godfather, but my favorite mob flick is Goodfellas. Incredible story, dialogue, action, directing, and acting.

6. How would you like your martini?
To taste like a beer.

7. Whom would you most like to trade places with for 24 hours?
Someone who's better, stronger, and faster at answering questions than I am. The Six-Million Dollar Question Answerer.

Speaking of The Six Million Dollar Man: if you had six million dollars to rebuild someone, wouldn't you spend it on a Green Beret, an Olympic runner, or a ninja? Why the hell would you spend that money to rebuild an astronaut? Monkeys can fly into space.

***

Ok. So that wasn't too painful. Next up are Delmer's questions:

1. What do you think of artificial sweeteners?
They make my diet sodas oh-so-yummy!

2. When did you last floss?
Twenty minutes before my last dental appointment.

3. Waxed or unwaxed floss? Why?
Whatever the dentist gave me at my previous appointment. Waxed, I think.

4. What did you last spill on yourself?
A Diet Pepsi on my lap while taking my son to school. When I walked him into class, it looked like I had pissed myself.

Sometimes, my life is like a bad sitcom.

5. What's your favorite blog written by a guy named Delmer?
Easy question! What's A Delmer Look Like? is everyone's favorite blog written by a guy named Delmer.

6. How would you open a open a bottle of Heineken if you didn't have a bottle opener (or other tool specifically designed to open beer bottles)?
I would hand it to my helper monkey. What good is he if he can't open a simple bottle of Heineken?

7. Whom would you most like to see as next president?
Me.

But all kidding aside, I'd like to see Hillary Clinton as the next president (I do think she should drop out of the race, though).

And that was when everyone called him an asshole and stopped reading Cynical Dad.

***

Finally, here are the answers to Ryan's questions:

1. What do you think of the fact that you're a fan of horrible, horrible sports teams?
I think you are mistaken, sir. I am a fan of the New York Yankees, the University of North Carolina Tar Heels, and the Carolina Panthers. I don't follow the NBA, NHL, or any other secondary sport.

I will admit the Yankees have been stinking up the joint lately. But they're notoriously slow starters. And Posada and A-Rod have been out forever. And they all need to ask Jobu to take fear from bats. And Girardi took away their candy.

Need more excuses? I can go on and on and on.

2. When did you last let your heart decide? (sorry. Disney song popped into my head)
At the polls when voting for a bond that I knew would raise my property taxes. My head said, "No! That'll take money from your pocket!"

3. Beer or Sex? Why?
Sex. I can always buy a beer. While I can also buy sex, it's a hell of a lot more expensive.

And my wife has no problem with me buying a six-pack.

4. What did you do when you first found out Ella was pregnant the first time?
I packed my bags.

No, seriously. She took the test. We celebrated. Then I packed my bags because we were leaving for vacation later that day (but we did stop and buy several more tests, just to make sure).

5. What's your favorite time of the year?
Halloween and the days leading up to it.

6. How would you want to be remembered after your death?
As something more than just that creepy stuffed guy on display in the corner of my living room.

7. (I couldn't think of anything good for question 7 so I made up my own.) If you could tell Past-Chag from 10 years ago anything, what would you tell him?
I would tell him to get married tomorrow and start having kids now! Because I'd be a few years younger and have a little more energy than I do now. I'd also tell him to buy lots of Google and Apple stock.

Ok. That's the end of the first round of questions. More to come!

Song of the day: Calling On You by Stryper

Stuff Only You Care About III

Here is the final batch of answers to the questions you asked during De-Lurking Week. If I missed your question, please let me know.

Ron: Have you kept up with your old pre-SAH buddies?
To some extent. We exchange emails, Christmas cards, phone calls, and all that kind of stuff, but probably only meet up six times a year or so. I tend to see the ones with children more often than those without. We're scattered all over the state now so it's hard to get together as often as we'd like.

Liza: Have you ever had any cyber-stalker/e-flaming type stuff go on in your comments or via e-mail, and how did you handle it (in general terms, naturally)?
I spent many a night as a pretentious college student (and beyond) getting all philosophical with friends and strangers and if I learned anything from the experience it's that no matter how convincing your drunken arguments are, you're not going to change anyone's mind. It just leads to a lot of messy fights.

On my site, I tend to stay away from button-pushing issues such as religion, politics, and breastfeeding, so I haven't had many nasty emails or comments. But I've found that the best course of action when dealing with these psychos is no action at all. They're just looking for attention. Ignore them. No matter how scary their death threats may seem.

Stefan: Think the Heels men's basketball team can win it all this year?
After tonight's convincing victory against Clemson, I really do believe Carolina will win it all this year. They have so much talent and depth it will be hard for any team to keep up with them for forty minutes (just ask Virginia Tech, who almost blew a twenty-point lead to Carolina with less than five minutes remaining).

The only thing that stands between them and a national championship is the players' egos. With so much talent and only so many scoring opportunities, some players are bound to get jealous of others at some point.

Creative-Type Dad: Was Colonel Sanders really a Colonel?
Not a real colonel, just an honorary one. But Sgt. Slaughter was really a sergeant.

The Battered Ham: Do you have any aspirations of becoming the new Yellow Wiggle?
Please. The Wiggles are so 2002. I'm holding out to be a regular on Jack's Big Music Show.

Caitlin DiMare: What is your favorite thing about being a father?
Everything. The good and the bad. Sorry if that sounds like a cop-out answer, but it's the truth.

I take that back. I don't enjoy changing diapers. Diapers suck. But everything else rocks.

Sephyroth: I don't know if you've discussed this, but what got you into blogging?
I've been on the web since early 1996. Back then, I wrote a monthly satirical pop culture 'zine. I hung it up in 2001. In April of 2005, I got the itch again, so I started another pop culture site. But my heart wasn't really into it, so in July of 2005 I decided to start writing about my kids.

Song of the day: Why Can't We Be Friends? by War

Stuff Only You Care About II

Here is the second batch of answers to the questions you asked during De-Lurking Week. The final group will follow in a day or so.

mamatulip: What's the best concert you've ever been to?
I've been to a lot of shows, but I've got to say that the best concert I've ever seen was the original Lollapalooza. Since I don't live near a large metropolitan area, I had never been to a music festival before. Nine Inch Nails, Jane's Addiction, and Siouxsie and the Banshees were three of my favorite bands at the time. I had a blast.

Honorable mentions: Jane's Addiction in a tiny theater (I had a 103 degree fever; it was better than any drug I could've taken), The Cramps (the only concert I walked away from with a piece of memorabilia: a wine cork Lux Interior spit into the crowd), and the night Susanna Hoffs was undressing me with her eyes.

mamatulip: What's your middle name?
I use a fake first name and last name on this site, but I've never made up a middle name for myself. How does Sebastian suit you?

Chag Sebastian Holland. Works for me.

Here's a fun fact you don't know about me: I was named after a dog (and you people wonder why I use a fake name). Here's how it works: I was named after my uncle. He was named after a doctor. The doctor was named after a dog. So if you connect the dots, I was named after a dog. Does wonders for one's self-esteem.

Mrs. Fortune: Why do you live where you live - what brought you there, I mean, because you're not from there originally, right?
My parents moved to this area when I was young. I never left.

Mrs. Fortune: How did you and Ella meet?
I've mentioned this before and it's just as embarrassing to type this as it was then, but we met in a karaoke bar. Really, how could one not fall in love with the long-haired cutie belting out Bon Jovi's Bed of Roses?

Ella didn't. She opted for the misfit butchering The Clash's Should I Stay Or Should I Go?.

She should've gone.

Mrs. Fortune: Why did you tell me not to give up on Jake Delhomme?
Because Delhomme is an above-average quarterback with two great wide receivers in Steve Smith and Keyshawn Johnson. I said yesterday that the blame for the Panthers' poor season should be placed on Dan Henning. And today he was fired. Rock!

Something Blue: What is the most bizarre thing that gets on your nerves?
There are many, many, many things that get on my nerves. But most of them are pretty commonplace: stuff like bad drivers, stupid rednecks, most politicians, etc. But here's something that really gets on my nerves: I absolutely refuse to walk into a movie theater after the previews have started. The trailers are a vital part of the movie-going experience.

And ketchup and mustard. I cannot stand the sight, smell, or taste of either.

And people who say "feel gold" instead of field goal.

I should stop by now before this answer takes on a life of its own.

Kate: Since my hubby is a SAHD, I'm curious how you became that. And does every man envy the fact that you stay at home?
Some guys do, some don't, and some do for all the wrong reasons. I remember when I first told my friends that I was going to be a stay-at-home dad. One of my single friends said, "Cool! You can stay at home and play video games all day!" Idiot.

While Ella was still out on maternity leave, we decided one night that it would be in Zoey's best interest if I stayed at home with her. We went over our finances and found out that once you subtracted the cost for daycare, I wouldn't have had much salary left. Plus, I was able to freelance from home.

On my first day on my new job, I was terrified. But I'm slowly getting the hang of it. And it's by far the best thing I've ever done with my life.

Croutonboy: Do you remember life before YouTube?
No. And I don't want to. I just hope that the people that own the content don't get lawsuit-happy and shut the place down. They've got to realize that it's great publicity for their movie/television show/song/whatever. Without YouTube, I wouldn't be able to subject you to gems such as this:

Song of the day: Jukebox (Don't Put Another Dime) by The Flirts

Stuff Only You Care About

As promised, here are the answers to the questions you asked during De-Lurking Week. Another batch will follow in a day or so.

Mark: As a geek, I'm obligated to ask a geek question: what kind of computer are you using to spill your cynicism onto the web?
Until September, I was using a six-year-old or so POS Compaq desktop. I had to reformat my hard drive every six months or so, the CD player didn't work anymore, the monitor was flickering, and I was still running Windows ME on the machine so I couldn't run recent versions of other software. I now have a Dell E1705 laptop and I love it. It's got a 17-inch monitor (on my Compaq, the highest resolution I could get was 800X600; now I'm rocking 1440X900), 1GB of RAM (which I'll eventually upgrade; hadn't had the need to yet, though), a 1.73 GHz Core Duo processor, and a 100GB hard drive.

Of course, a week after I bought the damn thing, the Core 2 Duo was released. That's how my luck usually works.

Braindead Betty: You may have written about this before I was a reader, but my question is how did Zoey deal with Zed's birth? And how do you guys deal with sibling rivalry issues when they come up?

Hairline Fracture: Question: are there any sibling-rivalry issues between Zoey and Zed, and if so, what do you do about it?
We've been very lucky. Zoey and Zed have gotten along great since Day One. We didn't really have any sibling rivalry issues until he started walking. We try to give them undivided attention as much as possible to help prevent this. We have Daddy-Daughter days, Mommy-Daughter days, etc. They really love one another, so it really hasn't been that much of an issue. Yet.

Teresa: My question is did your kids ever go through a no phase? I mean no to everything even stuff they want? And if so how did you deal with it? My 15 mo is smack dab in the middle of this and I have no idea what to do I mean who says no to m&m's? Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
We've been lucky. Neither one of our children have gone through a phase like that. Wish I could tell you what to do. Anyone have any advice for Teresa?

Peter: What type of tooth paste do you use?
Crest Extra Whitening.

The Weirdgirl: So since you've let it slip that you cut your hair, I don't need photographic evidence but can you at least DESCRIBE your new do?
I don't really have a 'do. I don't own a brush or a comb. I also don't put any hairspray, paste, gel, mousse, or any other gunk in my hair. I dry it with a towel and go.

According to Ella, my hair is "short and shaggy." I cut it really short back in November because of our family portrait. I figured I could look decent for once in my life.

Currently, my bangs are just over my eyebrows, my sides are halfway over my ears, and the back is touching my collar. The AlternaMullet will be back in full swing soon!

Christopher Tassava: What's the biggest parenting mistake you've made?
I don't know. I feel like I make so many mistakes on a daily basis, we won't know which did the most damage until after several years of my children's therapy.

Becoming a stay-at-home dad, maybe? I've mentioned before that they would probably be better off raised by wolves.

Kristen: Question: Do you make separate meals for Zoey and Zed?
I do when it comes to lunch. Most of the time, we just do sandwiches so I make each kid their favorite. But our kids aren't picky eaters (the only thing Zoey won't eat is peanut butter and we haven't found anything Zed won't eat yet).

I'm beginning to feel like an ass here. All my answers have been, "We're really lucky. Our kids don't do that."

Wendy: Will Dan Henning lose his job?
If I were in charge, he would've been standing in the unemployment line some time ago.

A lot of people want to put the blame for the Panthers' disappointing season on the shoulders of Jake Delhomme and his costly fourth-quarter interceptions. Football is all about exposing and taking advantage of the other team's weaknesses. It's all about adjustments. If the running game isn't working (which it seldom did this season), go to the pass. Don't suddenly look up at the scoreboard in the fourth quarter, notice that you're down by ten, and then decide to stop handing the rock to Deshaun Foster on third and long.

Song of the day: Who's Got The Crack? by The Moldy Peaches

Stuff Only I Care About XIII

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Yankees

The Yankees went 6-1 this week and now find themselves leading Boston by a half game in the AL East.

Fun fact: In thirteen games this year, Randy Johnson has given up eighteen first-inning runs, for a sparkling ERA of 12.46. From the second inning on in those eighteen games, he has an ERA of 3.72. Maybe he needs to warm up longer?

Mariano Rivera injured his back while putting on his cleats before Thursday night's game. Couple this with the injuries to Sheffield and Matsui and the stomach bug that hit Jason Giambi and A-Rod this weekend, and I'm really beginning to believe that some Red Sox fan somewhere has voodoo dolls of all the key Yankees.

Chien-Ming Wang earned the save on Saturday night. That's how bad off the Yankees are right now. Seriously, they have no business in first place.

The Yankees start a four-game series at home with Boston on Monday night. Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday's games are on ESPN.

Father's Day Gift Guide

One of my favorite horror movies is finally making its way to DVD on June 13. Dellamorte Dellamore (known as Cemetery Man in the United States) is a 1996 Italian zombie flick that stars Rupert Everett (yes, that Rupert Everett) as a cemetery guard who must keep the dead inside the cemetery's gates when they rise from their graves during the night. It's a cool gory dark comedy. Ella calls it "an artsy-fartsy horror porno." But her taste is suspect. She married me, after all.

Sunday Morning Hangover

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

• Emily completes the transformation from Goth to Mom.
• Kristen enjoys a day at the zoo with her boys.
• Lucinda admits she's a technofrump.
• Mom-101 learns her ice cream main isn't just pushing popsicles.
• Patrick chronicles his douchebaggery through the ages.
• Sarcastic Journalist wants respect (this is a great post).
  

Stuff Only You Care About

Hey! Remember when I said I was going to start answering questions from you guys? I did a few a while back, but I kind of forgot about the whole thing until I received the following question in my Inbox:

Why did you refer to James Van Der Beek as your archenemy? -- Allison

Ok. My answer will hopefully not only satisfy Allison's question but also those I received when I wrote about my failed screenwriting career in an earlier meme.

As I mentioned in my answer to the death threats question, I used to have an online magazine. One day, I received an email from a Hollywood producer that basically said he liked my stuff and wondered if I had ever tried writing a screenplay. As a cynical pessimist, I assumed the email was a fake, despite the fact that it had a movie studio email address. So I spent the weekend IMDBing him and digging up dirt on the guy. Look, I was as far away from Hollywood, both geographically and mentally, as one could get. Turned out he was real.

So I started writing my spec screenplay. Despite the fact that I had never written anything longer than a term paper, I banged out a 106-page screenplay (it was a political/media satire with a touch of romantic comedy for those of you who may care) in three months. The producer loved it.

Except...

I needed to make some changes before he could shop it around. The main problem, according to him, was that my story did not have a Hollywood Happy Ending. In my screenplay, the guy did not end up with the girl. I fought with him over this for a while, but I was starry-eyed, so I eventually put in an ending where the reader was the left with the hope the guy might get the girl.

So he shopped it around. After another month, he phoned me and said that Mr. Van Der Beek's people really loved the script. Dawson? I thought. Ugh.

Nothing against James Van Der Beek, but when I was writing the script, I had only one person in mind for the lead character: Jason Lee. I had loved him in Mallrats and had seen Chasing Amy four times in the theater while writing the script (DVDs were made for people like me), so I couldn't picture anyone else in the role.

But like I said before, I was starry-eyed.

"His people?" I asked. "What does that mean?"

"It means his agent read it and loved it. James is supposed to read it tonight."

So there I was, constantly checking my email and waiting impatiently by the phone for a call from the producer. Finally, after a week, I couldn't take it anymore so I called the producer.

"He passed on it."

The producer shopped it around for a few more months, but nothing ever came of it. Other than giving me something to write about tonight.

If only he had made my movie, both Mr. Van Der Beek and I might have careers in Hollywood today.

You asked.

If you have a question you'd like to see me answer, drop me a line or leave a comment. Make it funny, serious, whatever. I'll try to answer at least one every weekend.

Stuff Only I Care About IX

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Yankees

The Yankees went 4-2 this week and are now 12-10, one game behind Boston.

Fun stats: The Yankees are 9-0 in day games, 3-10 at night... The Yankees are 2-10 in games in which they score five or fewer runs, 10-0 when they score six or more... Randy Johnson is 3-0 at home with an ERA of 3.79. On the road, he is 1-2 with a 5.40 ERA.

Not-so-fun stats: Jaret Wright still sucks... Mariano Rivera is 0-2 with three saves and has an ERA of 4.32. He's given up ten hits, two walks, and four earns runs in eight and a third innings.

The Yankees start a two-game series at Fenway on Monday night. The game is on ESPN, so all my Red Sox friends are welcome to come over to my house and watch the Yankees win.

Arizona Cardinals: The Team To Beat In 2006 2007?

They already had two of the best receivers in the league in Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald. During the offseason, they added Edgerrin James to their roster. And with the tenth pick in the first round of today's NFL Draft, they added the 2004 Heisman Trophy Winner, USC QB Matt Leinart. They still have issues with their defense and their offensive line. But damn, they should be able to light up the scoreboard.

And Mr. Leinart, if you're reading this (and I know you are), you could have been the #1 draft pick last year, playing with the San Francisco 49ers and making millions more. Was it worth it to stay in college an extra year, take ballroom dancing, and score with any USC girl you wanted?

Never mind. I just answered my own question.

Stuff Only You Care About

Ok. This is the spot where every week I'll answer a question from a reader. So if you've got a question, drop me a line or leave a comment.

This week's question came from Mrs. Fortune: Do you guys want to have more kids?

Short Answer: Hell!!! No!!!

Long Answer: Actually, my wife wants another kid. Or two. Or ten.

Me? No how, no way.

If you have more than two children, that's great. You have my utmost admiration. I just don't believe I could handle another child (those of you who read this site on a regular basis know I have enough problems dealing with two children).

When people ask me this question, I reply, "I never want my kids to outnumber my arms" or "If Ella wants Child #3, she'll have to find Husband #2." Snort. Chuckle. Ha-ha-ha and all that jazz.

But look. The world is built for four. If you go to a restaurant, the booth seats four. If you go to a hotel room, the room sleeps four. Adding another person to the mix means a longer wait at the local Italian restaurant and someone sleeping on the floor during your Disneyland trip. Who wants that?

Plus, a third child would lead to one of my worst fears.

Sunday Morning Hangover

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

• Dutch looks at children's books written by celebrities.
• Girl's Gone Child fondly remembers Sex Ed.
• Kristen forgets most people on the Internet can't take a joke.
• Lucinda entertains the thought of sharing her home with a dwarf hamster.
• Mir discusses addiction. And also learns a few parenting tricks from her children's Tamagotchis.
• Paige writes a love letter to her old guitar.
• The Sarcastic Journalist and her husband switch roles (make sure you read the comments).
  

Stuff Only I Care About VIII

Weekly Random Thoughts On The Yankees

The New York Yankees are 8-8 and two games behind Boston. Ugh.

Good News: The Yankees are 7-4 in their last eleven games.

Bad News: The Yankees have only won one series this season.

Worse News: The Yankees are 1-8 in games in which they've scored five runs or fewer.

Sunday Morning Hangover

Here are some of the more interesting/entertaining posts I've come across this week:

• Dutch and Wood discuss the birth of their relationship.
• Genuine shares his first time.
• Kristen (from Home On The Fringe) discovers why role-playing with her son always ventures to the dark side.
• Kristen (from Motherhood Uncensored) impersonates her favorite female bloggers.
• Lucinda and her husband are potty-trained by their daughter.
• MC GGC (Girl's Gone Child) lays down another awesome track. Word.
• Weirdgirl lists items parents should be able to include on their résumés.
  

More Fun With Google

Here are some recent search terms people have used to get to my site:

• M&M marriage on the rocks
  Um, dude? I think you want to search for Eminem marriage on the rocks. Unless you know something about the candy world I don't.
• i dont want to be buried
  Neither do I. I want to be stuffed and displayed in the family room.
• preschooler playing with his feces
  Stop him! Then look it up on Google.
• zoey girls gone wild
  Which one of you bastards performed this search just to mess with my head?
• fish head stew
  Nothing funny here, but I did learn this week that there are quite a few people looking for fish head stew. So if you have a recipe, please pass it along.
• tomboy daughter takes top off to play sports
  Why do I feel like I'll be telling stories like this in a few years?
• do you ever find yourself humming or singing parts of a TV commercial
  Not often. See, I have TiVo, the world's greatest invention, so I fast forward through most commercials.
• Kids give you gray hair
  And ulcers, migraines, and an ever-shrinking savings account.
• "gates of hell" sex story toy
  Is that where one of you dresses up as the Devil? I really want to know what this person was looking for.
  

And this from MSN:

• how to raise a neurotic child
  Follow my lead.
  

Stuff Only You Care About

Every so often in this space I plan to answer readers' questions like MetroDad does (only my answers will be neither interesting nor amusing). So if you have a question about my family or me, would like to see me elaborate on something I've written, would like parenting advice (snicker), or just want to ask a silly question, drop me a line. As long as it's not too revealing (remember, I'm extremely paranoid (and you'll see why after I answer this week's question)), I'll try to answer a few questions every week or so.

Unless there's a total lack of interest. Which very well may be the case as I am not very interesting.

Here's this week's question:
Several people wondered about the death threats I alluded to in my Cynical Dad 3.0 (A Love Letter To John & Kristen) entry.

Before I was a Cynical Dad, I was an Angry Young Man. I wrote a monthly web 'zine that parodied and satirized anyone and everyone. In the process, I irritated and/or confused many people, including Southern Baptists, English professors, and in one case, an Amnesty International representative.

But nothing I did caused as much harm as writing three simple words: No thank you.

I accepted submissions from readers on my old site. One day, I received a poem from a woman. It was bad. Rambling, drunk-at-open-mike-night bad. Stuff about space and Jesus and the Virgin Mary. I sent her back an email that read "No thank you."

Big mistake.

She started sending more and more poems, every one worse than the one before it. I must've received fifty or sixty poems from her (I even published some of them on my site (but none of the death threat ones) after things cooled down a bit). But I never responded to a single one.

Apparently, the only thing worse than rejecting a psychopath is ignoring a psychopath.

I soon became the subject matter (along with space, Jesus, and the Virgin Mary). Her poems turned nastier and nastier. Towards the end, she was talking about cutting out my eyeballs and my tongue. Silly stuff like that.

I laughed at the emails. But I was also single. Now, I have a wife and kids to worry about. That's why I don't actively try to piss off people anymore. And try not to reveal too much about myself.

You asked.