First of all, thanks for the questions. I'm planning on tackling three sets of these questions at a time. I'll still have normal posts here and there, but I'll try my best to answer all the questions as soon as possible. And if you haven't had a chance to ask your questions and would like to do so, just click here, read the instructions, and leave a comment. Just remember: if you ask a fool a question, you'll get a foolish answer.
Let's kick things off with some questions from Jozet:
1. What do you think of Yoko Ono?
Never really got her. I know some people think she's a gifted artist and all that, but she never did anything for me.
2. When did you last roller skate?
While roller skating when I was four, I slipped, hit my neck on the railing, and ended up in the hospital for ten days. Damn near broke my neck.
But that didn't prevent me from going to the roller rink countless times while I was in middle school. I was all about The Couples' Skate.
So to answer your question, I probably haven't roller skated since seventh or eighth grade. I was always more into skateboarding.
3. The Who or The Stones? Why?
If we're comparing bodies of work, the Stones win hands down. But if I compared my five favorite Who songs against my five favorite Stones songs, I would have to give the nod to The Who. A Quick One While He's Away is one of my all-time favorite songs.
4. What did you look like in fifth grade?
Shorter. But still sexy as hell.
5. What's your favorite mob movie?
I know the answer's supposed to be The Godfather, but my favorite mob flick is Goodfellas. Incredible story, dialogue, action, directing, and acting.
6. How would you like your martini?
To taste like a beer.
7. Whom would you most like to trade places with for 24 hours?
Someone who's better, stronger, and faster at answering questions than I am. The Six-Million Dollar Question Answerer.
Speaking of The Six Million Dollar Man: if you had six million dollars to rebuild someone, wouldn't you spend it on a Green Beret, an Olympic runner, or a ninja? Why the hell would you spend that money to rebuild an astronaut? Monkeys can fly into space.
***
Ok. So that wasn't too painful. Next up are Delmer's questions:
1. What do you think of artificial sweeteners?
They make my diet sodas oh-so-yummy!
2. When did you last floss?
Twenty minutes before my last dental appointment.
3. Waxed or unwaxed floss? Why?
Whatever the dentist gave me at my previous appointment. Waxed, I think.
4. What did you last spill on yourself?
A Diet Pepsi on my lap while taking my son to school. When I walked him into class, it looked like I had pissed myself.
Sometimes, my life is like a bad sitcom.
5. What's your favorite blog written by a guy named Delmer?
Easy question! What's A Delmer Look Like? is everyone's favorite blog written by a guy named Delmer.
6. How would you open a open a bottle of Heineken if you didn't have a bottle opener (or other tool specifically designed to open beer bottles)?
I would hand it to my helper monkey. What good is he if he can't open a simple bottle of Heineken?
7. Whom would you most like to see as next president?
Me.
But all kidding aside, I'd like to see Hillary Clinton as the next president (I do think she should drop out of the race, though).
And that was when everyone called him an asshole and stopped reading Cynical Dad.
***
Finally, here are the answers to Ryan's questions:
1. What do you think of the fact that you're a fan of horrible, horrible sports teams?
I think you are mistaken, sir. I am a fan of the New York Yankees, the University of North Carolina Tar Heels, and the Carolina Panthers. I don't follow the NBA, NHL, or any other secondary sport.
I will admit the Yankees have been stinking up the joint lately. But they're notoriously slow starters. And Posada and A-Rod have been out forever. And they all need to ask Jobu to take fear from bats. And Girardi took away their candy.
Need more excuses? I can go on and on and on.
2. When did you last let your heart decide? (sorry. Disney song popped into my head)
At the polls when voting for a bond that I knew would raise my property taxes. My head said, "No! That'll take money from your pocket!"
3. Beer or Sex? Why?
Sex. I can always buy a beer. While I can also buy sex, it's a hell of a lot more expensive.
And my wife has no problem with me buying a six-pack.
4. What did you do when you first found out Ella was pregnant the first time?
I packed my bags.
No, seriously. She took the test. We celebrated. Then I packed my bags because we were leaving for vacation later that day (but we did stop and buy several more tests, just to make sure).
5. What's your favorite time of the year?
Halloween and the days leading up to it.
6. How would you want to be remembered after your death?
As something more than just that creepy stuffed guy on display in the corner of my living room.
7. (I couldn't think of anything good for question 7 so I made up my own.) If you could tell Past-Chag from 10 years ago anything, what would you tell him?
I would tell him to get married tomorrow and start having kids now! Because I'd be a few years younger and have a little more energy than I do now. I'd also tell him to buy lots of Google and Apple stock.
Ok. That's the end of the first round of questions. More to come!
Song of the day: Calling On You by Stryper
Chag Libs, Vol. I: Yoko Ono, Helper Monkeys, And Flossing
