Are you tired of me yet?
Here are some questions from Velma:
1. What do you think of Anthony Bourdain?
I had no idea who Anthony Bourdain was until you posed this question. Still don't, other than he hosts a show on The Discovery Channel and is apparently a pretty good cook. Or is that not who you were asking about?
2. When did you last read a book that was so good you were bummed out when you finished it?
I can't recall ever feeling that way about a book (or a movie). Maybe I haven't been reading the right stuff?
3. Chicken or egg? Why?
Chickens are tastier.
If you're asking me which came first, it's the egg (but not a chicken egg). A pterodactyl and a velociraptor fell in love and had a very strange-looking baby.
4. What did you want to be when you grew up?
A rock star. Ever since I was three.
But since I was a poor singer, an even worse musician, and was terrified of performing on stage, it wasn't meant to be.
When I did sing in bands, I would pace back and forth, looking at the floor the entire the time. Awesome stage presence!
5. What's your favorite Terrence Trent D'Arby song?
If You All Get To Heaven. Anyone remember the 21 Jump Street episode that featured this song?
6. How would you spend two weeks on your own?
Missing my wife and kids.
On Day Fourteen!
Seriously, I don't think I could spend two weeks on my own. Four days, tops.
But if I had four days to spend on my own, I would rent a remote cabin and fish all day to clear my head. And by remote I mean there has to be a Target within ten miles. And by cabin I mean a hotel room with cable. And by fish all day I mean hang out in strip clubs fish all day.
7. Whom would you most like to emulate?
Will Shortz. Dude edits the crossword for The New York Times and is the Sudoku God. Cool gig.
***
And here are some more from Jef:
1. What do you think of Jenna and Barbara Bush?
Up until a few days ago when Jenna Bush got married, I thought the Bush girls were being held in Buffalo Bill's pit. During the first year or so of Bush's presidency, it seems they were in the news every other week. And then POOF! They vanished.
But I think they've done quite well. These girls were nineteen years old when their father became President. This is a time when most of us start figuring out who we really are. Nineteen was difficult enough for me and I didn't have the added pressure of the Secret Service trailing my every move.
2. When did you last have to pee?
Ten minutes ago. I have the bladder of a pregnant woman. I could get so much more done in a day if I wore Depends.
3. Britney or Lindsey? Why?
Lindsey. I have a thing for redheads, plus she's less crazy and is more talented. But that's like saying Richard Grieco has more talent than Peter DeLuise.
Wow! Two 21 Jump Street references in one post! That means I get to be the new President of the Johnny Depp Fan Club.
Do you know they're making a 21 Jump Street movie? Hollywood's Idea Well has officially run dry.
4. What did you last eat that made you fart?
My words.
5. What's your favorite cheese?
ALL! Cheese is the perfect food. I can't really pick a favorite. Do they make cheese-covered cheese?
The only reason I look forward to my weekly outings to the fancy-schmancy grocery store is because of all the free cheese samples.
Me: I had some really good cheese at the grocery store today. But it was seventeen bucks a pound!
Ella: Really?
Me: There was a little bowl next to it. I thought it was Worcestershire sauce, but I tried it and it was wine. Do people dip cheese in wine?
Ella: No. That's to give you an idea of how the cheese tastes with wine.
It's moments like this that make me realize I shouldn't leave the farm and travel into the Big City.
6. How would you hit on your wife if you didn't know her?
Hey baby! How'd you like to support me and my two kids?
I'd have her eating out of my hand!
7. Whom would you most like to have in your zombie shelter?
Albert Einstein, Steven Hawking, and Marilyn Vos Savant. By the time the zombies were finished eating their gigantic brains, I'd be 100 miles away.
***
And now it's Whit's turn:
1. What do you think of processed cheese food?
I think we should honor it on our money.
2. When did you last pee in the shower?
This morning. I'm all about multi-tasking.
3. Steak or tofu? Why?
Steak. Other than pizza, I don't eat things that end in vowels.
I also don't eat things that taste like tires.
4. What did you always want for Xmas?
A Red Ryder BB gun!
The one thing I wanted for Christmas that I never received was a Yamaha DX-7. All the bands in the early 80s had a DX-7. I guess two grand was too much money to spend on a synthesizer for a thirteen-year old. Hell, two grand is too much money to spend on anything for a thirteen-year old.
Maybe that's why I never became a rock star!
5. What's your favorite emo song?
All By Myself by Eric Carmen.
6. How would you like to be king for just one day?
I would give it all away to be with you.
7. Whom would you most like to vote off the island?
Me.
Song of the day: Runaway by Bon Jovi
Chag Libs, Vol. IV: Cheese, Will Shortz, and 21 Jump Street
