You know how your PTA will have Family Nights at the local fast food establishment? And the local fast food establishment will donate 10% of its proceeds to your school?
Here's some advice should you happen to attend such a function:
It would be safer to paint yourself red from head to toe, bathe in cow sex pheromone, and attend the Running Of The Bulls in Pamplona than it would be to enter the playground at your local fast food establishment during a PTA Family Night. With all those sweaty kids all hopped up on Coke and grease, you could lose an eye. It's like Lord Of The Flies in there, only they're armed with licensed movie character plastic toys.
You'll thank me later.
BTW, here's my pick for tonight's game: Patriots (-4) over Jets. All other picks will be posted this weekend.
It's Chag's Super Duper Awesome Parenting Advice Time!
Cuddles Lost
This might be the mushiest post I've ever written on this site, but it's for two people I care about and consider friends, so bear with me.
They're having an online baby shower for Kristen of Motherhood Uncensored and Rebecca of Girl's Gone Child. I'm quite thankful the people running the gala didn't ask us to give advice (I've told people to name their kids after dogs in the past). Instead, they want us to fondly recall what was special about the baby days.
That's easy. It's the cuddling and snuggling.
Babies love to be held. They loved to be cuddled. They NEED to be cuddled. And while it seems like a pain in the ass when you're wearing a path in the carpet at 4 AM, it's worth it. It feels good to you and them.
Besides, the day will come when your kids won't want to be hugged or cuddled anymore.
I haven't crossed that bridge yet, but I can see it on the horizon. When I drop my daughter off at school and give her a hug, I can feel her peering over my shoulder, searching the landscape for her friends. The day will come soon enough when she's too cool to get a goodbye hug from her dad.
And that day will suck.
So Rebecca and Kristen, congratulations and enjoy those cuddles. Hug them both for me!
Like the great Tom Kiefer once said, you "don't know what you got till it's gone."
Song of the day: Personality Crisis by New York Dolls
Advice From An Idiot
Her Bad Mother, Mrs. Chicky, and Mrs. Chicken will each be welcoming their second child into the world soon and the folks over at Better Than A Playdate are throwing them a virtual baby shower. I really have no idea why people ask me to participate in such events; one time I told some expectant mothers to name their children after dogs and another time I made a mix CD that contained a lot of inappropriate songs.
Maybe they just invite me to these things so they can make fun of me behind my back?
Anyway, I've been asked to pass on some advice to these fine ladies. But getting parenting advice from me is like getting fashion tips from Amy Winehouse (or me), so I'm going to give them something the others didn't:
A warning.
You know all that free time you have right now with just one child?
No?
That's because you don't realize it yet.
One might think that adding a second child to the mix might double the time it takes to do anything. That's a common misconception. Adding a second child actually squares the amount of time it takes to complete a task. What might've taken ten minutes with one child will take one hundred minutes with two.
Scenario: you're trying to get the kids ready for a trip to the grocery store. The oldest child needs to go to the bathroom. When that child is finally finished, you notice the baby's diaper needs changing. Right when you're tossing the diaper in the bin, the oldest has spilled her drink all over the kitchen floor. Next thing you know, it's two o'clock and you're still in your pajamas.
So enjoy your free time while you still have it, ladies!
All kidding aside, I wish you all the best. May you all have beautiful and healthy children.
P.S. I've heard you should never have a third child. Once they outnumber you, you're basically screwed.
Song of the day: Little Black Backpack by Stroke 9
Parenting Tips For The Overly Neurotic: Dance Dance Number Recognition
It's everyone's favorite time again: parenting tips! In the past when I've posted my own parenting tips, I've been accused of killing wildlife and turning my kids into lazy, money-grubbing bastards. Score!
But I'm not going to let that stop me. Think of me as The Little Engine That Keeps Trying To Get Up The Hill Even Though No One Wants His Freight. Just try to derail me, folks!
Zoey has some sort of an education sensor inside her body that transmits a signal to her tear ducts every time we try to teach her something. In other words, if she figures out we're not just playing and she is actually learning something, she has a tendency to get pissed.
Kindergarten should be fun.
So we're constantly looking for new ways to sneak information past her sensor. Lately, we've been working on numbers. She can write and identify numbers up to 30, but after that, things get a bit sketchy. Since she is supposed to be able to identify numbers up to 100 prior to entering kindergarten, Ella and I devised a game to accomplish this task. Plus, it was a whole lot of fun for us.
Zoey loves to dance. She dances like a spastic elephant, but that doesn't stop her from dancing (as long as she doesn't catch us laughing at her). So we concocted a dancing game (think So You Think You Can Dance meets The Gong Show (but luckily for her, we do not own a gong)). We would play some music and she would dance to it. When she was done with her twenty-second routine, Ella and I would "judge" her performance and hold up dry erase boards with her scores. She would then have to tell us the numbers on our boards. And then it was time for her next performance.
Lame, I know. But it was effective. She can now identify all her numbers. Plus, Ella and I got some good laughs over the course of several afternoons (I only wish I had video of her "hip-hop" performance, which mainly consisted of her quickly rolling and spinning around the floor in a seizure-like state).
Song of the day: Never Enough by The Cure
Money Changes Everything
I thought we were friends! Right now, I'm pretty pissed off at you guys.
Ok. Not all of you. Just the ones with older children.
Look. When I stumble upon a parenting tip or trick, I share them with you. I expect the same in return.
So why in the hell hasn't anyone reminded me about the greatest invention in the history of parenting: allowances? I received an allowance as a child but seem to have forgotten about it. I think I lost the brain cells that stored that information during my sophomore year.
We had been trying unsuccessfully to get Zoey to do some chores around the house. Ella decided to bribe reward her with an allowance. Ever since we've mentioned that she'd be earning money, she's jumping at the chance to do her work (and no, I'm not so delusional to think this will last forever.)
Now before you go phoning Child Protective Services, we're only having her do some light housework. Mainly, she just picks up her toys and books and helps me keep everything tidy. We only make her vacuum twice a week. But I can tell you she's one hell of a gutter cleaner.
We pay Zoey $3.41* a week. She thinks it's a million dollars (while she can count, she hasn't learned the value of a dollar yet) and it's more than her Honduran counterparts are earning, so I feel good.
I wonder how much she'd charge to mow the lawn?
*In case you're wondering how we arrived at such an odd amount, 41 cents = 1 quarter + 1 dime + 1 nickel + 1 penny. And three is the magic number. Just ask Stefan.
Song of the day: Shores Of California by The Dresden Dolls
Advice For Mothers-To-Be
Dear Liz, Christina, and Tammie,
First of all, congratulations! Hope this finds you well. This is a very special time in your lives. I hope everything goes ok for you guys and you all give birth to healthy and beautiful children.
When Her Bad Mother sent me an email asking me to pass along any parenting advice I had, I was somewhat hesitant. Who am I to give advice? As a general rule, it's probably a good idea to do the exact opposite of anything I recommend.
Anyway…
The best piece of parenting advice Ella and I received was sleep when the baby sleeps. Seriously. Put everything else on hold for a bit and take a nap. You need your rest for the long nights and care of your child. Sleep!
The worst piece of advice Ella and I received was too much advice. Everybody's got an opinion on how you should raise your child. If you listen to enough people and read enough books, you'll get contradictory views on every facet of child-rearing. In the end, you have to make your decisions based on what's best for you, your baby, and the rest of your family.
And finally, here's some TOP SECRET SPECIAL ADVICE from me. I know everyone wants unique names for their children. I named my daughter after one of my favorite bands. Sure, we get some looks when we tell people her name, but I sleep like a baby knowing she'll be the only VanHalena in her kindergarten class.
People try alternate spellings. They name their kids after flowers, fruits, and animals. I know someone who scoured an anthology of 18th century Portuguese landscape artists trying to find a unique name. But I have discovered a treasury of names no one is using. It's so hot that celebrities haven't even started doing it yet!
Name your children using classic dog names. Rover. Spot. Fido. Duchess. Sport. Patches. Lassie. Benji. Puddles. Precious. They all have a nice ring to them, no? You'll never run into another Puddles on the playground. And you'll never have to pull a "that's Fido with a P-H."
Once again, congratulations and I wish you all well. I hope this was helpful.
Hugs, Kisses, & Pregnant Belly Rubs,
Chag
Song of the day: Hazy Shade Of Winter by Bangles
Parenting Tips For The Overly Neurotic: Always Screen Your Children's Videos
We used to love The Berenstain Bears. Their books are like The Great American Sitcom: you've got Mama Bear, the wise, no-nonsense matriarch; Papa Bear, the bumbling, fumbling oaf; and Brother and Sister Bear, their mischievous offspring. And just like any long-running sitcom, once their fan base began to dwindle, Mama Bear popped out another cub, Honey Bear, just to keep the people coming back for more!
But unlike most sitcoms, every book in The Berenstain Bears series is A Very Special Episode. There are titles such as The Berenstain Bears And The Bad Habit, The Berenstain Bears' Trouble At School, and The Berenstain Bears Forget Their Manners. If your child has a problem, the bears are there to solve it. Kid scared of the dentist? Have him read The Berenstain Bears Visit The Dentist. Kid doesn't pick up after himself? Have him read The Berenstain Bears And The Messy Room.
The Berenstain Bears have taught Zoey many valuable lessons. But they also taught her something I wasn't quite ready for her to learn yet. Or ever.
This afternoon, I came downstairs after putting the laundry in the dryer and peeked into the living room to see what the kids were doing. Zed was sitting on the floor and Zoey was sitting across from him. She had his sippy cup on the floor between them. I watched her spin the sippy cup. When the sippy cup stopped, she said, "It landed on you!" and gave Zed a kiss.
Zoey was playing Spin The Bottle.
For those of you who don't quite understand the gravity of the situation, let me put it in simpler terms:
MY FOUR-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER WAS PLAYING SPIN THE FUCKING BOTTLE WITH HER BROTHER!!!
Cynical Dad: Reinforcing Southern Stereotypes.
I ran into the room yelling, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
"Playing Spin The Bottle," she answered nonchalantly. She even knew the game's name.
"Who taught you that game?" I demanded, ready to pick up the phone and have an impromptu parent-parent conference with the breeder of the child that had poisoned Zoey's mind. But before I could fully whip myself into a frenzy of self-righteous indignation, she answered, "The Berenstain Bears."
Stunned, I began leafing through the Card Catalog Of My Mind that housed the contents of the Cynical Dad Library. "Zoey, I can't think of any Berenstain Bears book that talks about Spin The Bottle. Are you telling me the truth?"
"YES! It's a video, not a book," she hissed at me, angry that I dared question her.
"We don't own a Berenstain Bears video!" I shot back.
"YES WE DO! Mommy bought it at the yard sale!" So I walked into the playroom, looked at the stack of videos she was allowed to watch during Quiet/Nap Time, and sure enough, a Berenstain Bears video was there. I popped it into the VCR and fast-forwarded the tape until I came to the scene in question. The Spin The Bottle portion probably only received six or seven seconds of screen time, but it was long enough to make an impression on Zoey. So I ejected the video and put it on top of the Tower Of Choking Hazards And Toys/Games Of Questionable Content.
Maybe we'll revisit the Berenstain Bears later down the road. I'm sure we'll eventually cross the Bears' path again when we're in need of such titles as The Berenstain Bears: Sister Bear Is A Heather, The Berenstain Bears And The Creepy Instant Messaging Guy, or The Berenstain Bears And Brother Bear's First Spliff.
GHS: 9
Update: Since so many of you asked, the video in question is The Berenstain Bears And Too Much Birthday, which is also a book in the series (I do not know if the book also contains Spin The Bottle). At the party for Sister Bear's sixth birthday, they decide to play Spin The Bottle (along with other less-threatening games like Pin The Tail On The Donkey) but Sister wusses out and kisses Brother Bear.
Song of the day: Grey Cell Green by Ned's Atomic Dustbin
A Fourteen-Year-Old Girl Trapped In The Body Of A Preschooler
There's no nice way to put this, so I'll just come right out and say it: my daughter is a Prima Fucking Donna.
Zoey's a clothes hound. I don't know where she gets it. When I need new clothes, I go Goodwill hunting. Ella, while not nearly as thrifty as I am, doesn't spend an inordinate amount on clothes.
Zoey is obsessed with dresses. And during Christmas break she was able to wear dresses every day because someone was always sick so we didn't really go anywhere (poor Zed is still battling a double-ear infection). But now, even though it's thirty degrees outside, she expects to wear a dress to preschool every morning.
Not happening. Not on my watch. We've tried to compromise by introducing leggings. But there are only a few pairs that she deems worthy to touch her skin.
Yesterday, things came to a head. She wore a dress and a pair of leggings on her first day back at preschool. But the leggings didn't have feet attached to them so she had to wear socks as well. Apparently, this is a fashion no-no as she screamed, "I DON'T LOOK VERY PRETTY!" as we made our way to the car. When she got from school, she begged me to let her take off her leggings. I've been dealing with a major sinus infection and didn't feel like arguing with her all afternoon, so I gave in (I know. Big mistake. I suck.). Later that afternoon, we needed to go to Target. So I told her to put her leggings back on.
And that's when the fireworks started. During her forty-five minute crying/screaming tantrum that landed her in timeout several times, I called Ella and said, "I'm burning all her dresses. Every last one."
I have since come to my senses. I can't just burn something my daughter loves just because she won't do what I want . So instead, I packed them all away and created a Springtime Advent Calendar. Every morning, she gets to mark off a spot on the calendar. And every day, she gets closer to the magical date of April 1st, the day she is allowed to wear dresses once again.
GHS: 8
Song of the day: Supermodel by Jill Sobule
Parenting Tips For The Overly Neurotic: Birthday Parties
I've been a stay-at-home dad now for a little over four years. Along the way, I've picked up some knowledge that may be useful to others. Think of it as Parent Hacks for the neurotic and cynical. Today, I'm sharing three tips that can help provide a stress-free birthday party for your child.
A. Unless you happen to enjoy migraines, never have a birthday party for your child in a public place.
By this I mean places like Chuck E. Cheese's, McDonald's, or any of the build-a-stuffed-companion stores that do not close their doors to the general public just because you're having a birthday party (unless you've got Oprah money (of course, then you probably don't have your child's birthday party at places like Chuck E. Cheese's, McDonald's, or any of the build-a-stuffed-companion stores (and you're not reading this site, either))).Today, we went to a birthday party where children can create a stuffed animal (hint: rhymes with Killed-A-Pair). The line to create a stuffed animal spilled out into the mall. It was insane. Luckily, we had our own stuffer (not nearly as fun as it sounds) so we didn't have to wait in line with the customers. Still, the party-goers were confined in a hallway that led to the stockroom for most of the party.
They really should've provided alcohol for the adults.
B. Always make sure the place where you're having a birthday party actually has a place where you can have a birthday party.
This sounds like common knowledge, right? You'd be surprised.After the kids created their animals, it was time for cake and presents. Guess what? Despite the fact the store advertises parties, Killed-A-Pair didn't have a separate party room. So we all headed up to the mall's food court to have the birthday party. There's nothing like having your child blow out the candles in front of crabby shoppers, other people's whiny children, and wannabe-thug teenagers. Fun stuff!
C. Never have a birthday party in a mall during the holiday shopping season.
Unless you like circling the parking lot for hours looking for a spot within a mile from the mall and dealing with throngs of cranky people. Then by all means, knock yourself out!Disclaimer: The last time I wrote a parenting tip, I was reamed for single-handedly killing all the animals in the world so you should probably be advised to ignore everything I wrote in this post.
Related:
Parenting Tips For The Overly Neurotic: Balloons
The Memory Book For The Cynical Parent
I know some of you own those fancy memory books where you record milestones like your child's first tooth, first time he/she said, "Mama," first time they spent the night at Grandma's house, and so on.
Know what? That lovey-dovey crap ain't for me.
Besides, who wants the memories of their child's milestones interspersed with lame images of innocent victims children being eaten by flowers?
That is why I've created The Memory Book For The Cynical Parent. Feel free to print this out and staple it in the back of your current memory book.
**********
First biting incident: __________
First trip to the doctor to remove a foreign object from the nose: __________
First broken bone: __________
First "I hate you, Mom (or Dad)": __________
First "F" on report card: __________
First emergency parent-teacher conference: __________
First school suspension: __________
First fistfight: __________
First dirty magazine: __________
First cigarette: __________
First alcoholic beverage: __________
First illegal drug: __________
First premarital sex: __________
First drunken party with friends while parents are out of town: __________
First nontraditional hair dyeing (purple, green, orange, etc.): __________
First tattoo: __________
First nontraditional piercing: __________
First missed curfew: __________
First loser boyfriend or girlfriend: __________
First shoplifting arrest: __________
First night in jail: __________
First rehab stay: __________
**********
This post was inspired by the second item on the list. On Friday evening, Zoey jammed paper up her nose. Moron.
We tried to remove it with tweezers, but she was freaking out way too much and it was pretty far up in her nose. We took her to the doctor, where it took the two of us and a nurse to hold her down while the doctor removed the paper.
Hopefully, she learned a lesson.
I know I did: My daughter is a moron.
Teach Your Children Well: Music To Learn By, Vol. 1
A few weeks ago, Dutch posted an hour's worth of kid-friendly music that wasn't necessarily recorded for children. It was a fun and eclectic mix and my children and I enjoyed listening to it, although none of us cared for the Neil Young number.
That mix is great for smaller children. However, since my daughter is sixteen months away from starting kindergarten, the days of doing things solely for entertainment value are over. Now, every activity must be a learning experience as well.
Television has served us well and has taught Zoey a large number of things, but we've pretty much milked that cow for all it's worth. So I'm turning to music.
Books will be used only as a last-ditch effort. Reading to your kids is soooo 1953.
I have always believed that music is a great teaching aid. When I was in school, I had trouble memorizing facts, numeric constants, and terminologies. Needless to say, biology and history classes were nightmares for me.
Yet I think I know the lyrics to 416,791 songs.
When I was in high school, I was forced required to learn Hamlet's "To be or not to be" soliloquy. Knowing damn well I could have read that thing a gazillion and a half times and would never retain a thing, I hooked up my synths and drum machine and recorded a rap version of the monologue. After a weekend of listening to the tape, I was able to flawlessly recite the speech.
Still can.
So to help Zoey learn various topics, I have gone though the massive CD collection at Casa Cynical and grouped songs by subject matter. I have songs about cars, songs about love, songs about war, etc., ready to go when the need arises.
But since I love you guys so much, I've decided to share my playlists so your children can also learn these subjects as well. Unfortunately, I do not know how to set up one of those fancy-schmancy iPod-looking things that Dutch uses. But most of the songs I'll be using are fairly mainstream, so you should have no trouble tracking them down and may have them in your collection already.
To kick things off, I've decided to cover a subject near and dear to everyone's heart.
Ten Songs About Masturbation
Billy Idol Dancing With MyselfBilly Idol (1982)
I remember there was a boy at my middle school with Billy Idol hair. All the chicks dug him. After high school, he came out of the closet.
I think I was out of high school before I realized this song was about masturbation. I thought it was about dancing. I was/am a moron.
Violent Femmes Blister In The Sun
Violent Femmes (1983)
Gordon Gano claims this song is not about masturbation. I stain my sheets? Big hands, I know you're the one? Whatever.
Cyndi Lauper She Bop
She's So Unusual (1983)
Was she trying to invent her own terminology for female masturbation? If so, it didn't stick. I've never heard a girl call it she-bopping, have you?
I revisited this album a few weeks ago and I feel it is one of the best albums to come out of the early 80s. You can keep your Madonna. I'll take Cyndi any day.
I think I was out of high school before I realized this song was about masturbation. I thought it was about dancing. I was/am a moron.
Faith No More Epic
The Real Thing (1989)
Could you imagine if this album had come out in 1999 instead? They would have been H-U-G-E. Sadly, they're probably best known for having Bjork's dying fish in their video.
Crispin Hellion Glover Auto-Manipulator
The Big Problem ≠ The Solution. The Solution = Let It Be. (1989)
George McFly raps! This song, like the rest of the album (which includes an over-the-top cover of These Boots Are Made For Walking), is a glorious mess.
Note to Hollywood: Fill all your bit roles with Mr. Glover. Everything goes better with Crispin! Why do you think everyone went to see Charlie's Angels? Was it because it starred three hotties wearing skintight or skimpy outfits throughout the entire flick? All the action and big explosions? To see if a guy known primarily for his work with music videos could direct an entire movie? Nope, nope, and nope. They were there to see Crispin.
Mr. Bungle The Girls Of Porn
Mr. Bungle (1991)
Mike Patton's second time on this list! There is no doubt what this song's about; it sounds like you're listening to a porno through most of the song.
This whole album is twisted, both musically and lyrically. Two thumbs up!
Jellyfish He's My Best Friend
Spilt Milk (1993)
I loved Jellyfish and later, Imperial Drag. Never understood why this band didn't get more attention from the public. They wrote some catchy tunes during their short career.
Green Day Longview
Dookie (1994)
Can you believe Green Day's still going strong (if not stronger) twelve years later? They're like the Bon Jovi of pop punk.
Liz Phair Turning Japanese
Juvenilia (1995)
This is probably the most well known song about masturbation. Although originally recorded by The Vapors, I prefer Liz's version. Something about Liz Phair and masturbation go hand-in-hand.
Nirvana Spank Thru
From The Muddy Banks Of The Wishkah (1996)
This is rumored to be Nirvana's very first song. I can't think of any better subject to kick off your musical career. This song did not see the light of day until the release of this live album. A demo version later turned up on 2004's With The Lights Out.
B-Sides (Honorable Mentions)
Divinyls I Touch MyselfDivinyls (1991)
I loathe this song. It is only included here because it is one of the most popular songs about masturbation.
The Pixies Holiday Song
Come On Pilgrim (1987)
This song mentions masturbation but is really about *ahem* more questionable material. But it's the Pixies, so anytime you can include them on a mix tape, you do so. I dare you to find a cooler song about incest.
Prince Darling Nikki
Purple Rain (1984)
Despite the fact that it has only one line that deals with masturbation, this song has to be included just for the simple fact that it got Tipper Gore's panties all in a bunch and eventually led to those Parental Advisory stickers that make CDs so appealing to thirteen-year-olds.
Iron Butterfly In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida
In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida (1968)
I really have no idea what this song it about. Picnics? Economics? Masturbation is as good an interpretation as any.
So... did I leave your favorite masturbation song off the list?
The Cynical Guide To Parenting: Chocolate
Chocolate is a very important part of a child's diet. It is one of the five food groups, along with chicken nuggets, french fries, juice boxes, and ketchup. In addition to being an important part of your child's daily dietary intake, chocolate can also be used as motivational and learning aides.
CHOCOLATE AS MOTIVATION
Chocolate is an excellent motivational tool. Some people might look at this as a bribe, but I prefer to use the word reward. Tomato. To-mah-to.Case Study 1
Say you're on your way to Target with an infant and toddler in tow. Your infant has to sit in the shopping cart, whereas your toddler cannot because she's "A BIG GIRL NOW! BIG GIRLS DON'T SIT IN CARTS!" You can't put one of those Kiddie Leashes on her because people will throw rocks at you. So what are you to do?
Now you could easily drop by the Snack Oasis on your way into the store and buy her a slushee and popcorn, but then you're lost the motivation for her to remain by your side because you've rewarded her upon entering. Instead, tell her, "If you're a good girl, I'll buy you a candy bar when we leave." And then all you have to do is remind her of the candy bar when she begins to wander or wants to pull things off the shelves. Everybody wins!
Case Study 2
When we were potty training our daughter, we would reward each successful trip to the potty with M&M's. One M&M's if she did Number One, two M&M's if she did Number Two.
LEARNING THROUGH CHOCOLATE
I have taught my daughter subtraction with chocolate. I'll place thirty-seven M&M's on the table and say, "Here are thirty-seven M&M's. If Daddy were to take away thirty-five of them and eat them (munch, munch, munch), how many M&M's are left?" And she'll proudly reply, "Two!"Note: You can also use M&M's as a tool to learn addition, but it's nowhere near as fun or tasty.
CONCLUSION
Chocolate: it's not just for dessert anymore. I encourage all parents reading this to incorporate these simple tips into your daily lives. Be creative! Invent your own motivational and educational uses for chocolate.This article is part of the ongoing series The Cynical Guide To Parenting.
Related:
The Cynical Guide To Parenting: Threats
The Cynical Guide To Parenting
Speaking Of Potty Training
Parenting Tips For The Overly Neurotic: Balloons
Note: I had intended to send this tip to Blogging Baby or Parent Hacks. But then I figured they'd just think I was insane. Which I am. So I decided to keep my insanity our little secret, ok?
I am deathly afraid of my children choking. I'm constantly scouring the floors looking for things that could make Zed choke. Zoey has an oral fixation and will absentmindedly chew on something while she's watching television, drawing, or looking at books, so I have to keep a watchful eye on her as well. I'm constantly watching her eat, making sure she's chewing her food properly and not taking big bites. This explains why the only hot dogs she gets are in milkshake form.
But my biggest fear? Balloons. Balloons cause more childhood deaths than any other toy. Even in our childbirth class, the dangers of balloons were addressed.
But what can you do? There is no escaping balloons. You can find them in kid-friendly restaurants, grocery stores, birthday parties; almost everywhere you go, some moron is trying to hand your child a balloon. Some child-hating moron, that is.
In our childbirth class, the instructor told us, "Just accept the balloon. It will keep the child busy while you eat or shop. Then when you go outside, tell the child, 'Let Mommy hold your balloon' while you put the child in the car. Then let the balloon go." This always bothered me. Your relationship with your child is built on trust. How is your child supposed to trust you when you keep setting all his balloons free?
So here's my trick. Like the instructor said, accept the balloon. Seriously. A balloon will keep your child occupied (at least for a few minutes) while you're getting groceries or trying to have a halfway decent meal with your mate. And inevitably, when it's time to return home, your child will want to take the balloon with him/her. In order to prevent a scene, you must leave the building with the balloon. There is no option here.
But once you get outside, instead of setting the balloon free, play a little game I call Balloon Wishes. See, I hand my daughter the balloon. She closes her eyes, makes a wish, and she sets the balloon free. And happily watches it float away!
Your child gets to play with a balloon and disposes of it him/herself. You're not the bad guy. Everybody wins!
The Cynical Guide To Parenting: Threats
Zoey has been an absolute hellion lately. She's a good girl roughly 75% of the time, but lately she has been operating at the 50% level. I have finally figured out why.
For a solid month, she was a good girl 90% of the time. The reason? We were constantly telling her things like, "Santa's watching" or "Santa only brings presents to good boys and girls." It was great.
But now, not only does she have a lot of "badness" to make up for, there's nothing we can hold over her head to keep her in line. Wouldn't it be nice if there was a holiday every month parents could use to threaten entice their children with?
Oh, but there is. (And all of these holidays are real. I got them off the web. And the web never lies.)
January
There aren't many official holidays this month (New Year's Day, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day), so let's take a look at the weirder holidays (which is something we'll have to do for many of the months). In January, one can celebrate Play God Day, National Hugging Day (yuck!), and International Skeptics Day (note to self: look into this one), but I'm going with Thomas Crapper Day.Holiday: Thomas Crapper Day, January 27
If They're Good: Chocolate (you'll notice an ongoing theme).
If They're Bad: Something that looks like chocolate, but tastes nowhere near as yummy.
February
Holiday: Valentine's Day, February 14If They're Good: Chocolate, candy hearts.
If They're Bad: Cupid shoots them with an arrow.
March
Holiday: St. Patrick's Day, March 17If They're Good: Gold-covered chocolate coins (combines two of a child's greatest loves: money and candy).
If They're Bad:
April
Holiday: Easter, VariesIf They're Good: Chocolate, candy eggs.
If They're Bad: The Easter Bunny eggs their bicycles. Or just leaves droppings.
May
Cinco de Mayo, Mother's Day, and Memorial Day aren't very frightening. Unless you're sadistic enough to take the child's mother away on Mother's Day.Holiday: Clean Your Room Day, May 10
If They're Good: If they "celebrate" Clean Your Room Day, reward them with Eat What You Want Day (May 11).
If They're Bad: If they fail to "celebrate" Clean Your Room Day, punish them by making them eat healthy on Eat What You Want Day.
June
Once again, there is not much to pick from in the form of traditional holidays.Holiday: Pee On Earth Day, June 21 (This is the day when you're not supposed to flush your toilets and use your collected urine to water your outside plants. Ugh. No thanks.)
If They're Good: Let them urinate outside. C'mon, what kid doesn't love to take a whiz in the woods?
If They're Bad: Even I'm not that mean.
July
Independence Day just isn't threatening.Holiday: All Or Nothing Day, July 26
If They're Good: Amass a pile of cool stuff: toys, candy, etc. If they behave, they can have the entire pile.
If They're Bad: Do I have to spell it out for you?
August
Are there any real holidays in August?Holiday: Sea Serpent Day, August 17 (Finally! Something to scare the little ones!)
If They're Good: Chocolate.
If They're Bad: Let's just say the Labor Day trip to the beach should be awfully interesting.
September
You could always threaten to make them work on Labor Day.Holiday: Video Games Day, September 12
If They're Good: Buy them a new video game.
If They're Bad: Take a few of their old video games to the pawnshop and buy something for yourself.
October
Holiday: Halloween, October 31If They're Good: They get to eat all their Halloween candy.
If They're Bad: You get to eat all their Halloween candy.
November
Does your child have an irrational fear of turkeys? No? Neither does mine.Holiday: World Kindness Day, November 13
If They're Good: If they live up to the holiday, they're allowed to celebrate Pumpkin Pie Day (November 21).
If They're Bad: If they don't, they must celebrate Have A Bad Day Day (November 19).
I was really grasping at straws for November. Help?
December
Holiday: Christmas, December 25If They're Good: Presents. Duh!
If They're Bad: Lump of coal, no presents -- be creative!
This article is part of the ongoing series The Cynical Guide To Parenting.
The Cynical Guide To Parenting
I have recently stumbled onto something that will change the face of human development. I have created a comprehensive guide to parenting that will be used for generations to come. This information could very well be worthy of a Nobel Peace Prize. Or at the very least, a lucrative book deal.
Anyway.
In order to be a perfect parent, one must give 110%*. Here's the breakdown:
- 45% Love
- 14% Compassion
- 12% Instruction (Teaching/Learning/Nurturing)
- 9% Security
- 8% Television
- 6% Discipline
- 5% Fun (Play time, etc.)
- 3% Threats
- 2% Naps/Quiet Time
- 2% Chocolate
- 1% Bribes
- 1% Play Dates
- 1% Alcohol
- 1% Band-Aids
*My inner mathematician fought with all the voices in my head over this joke. "One cannot give more than 100%," he argued. Needless to say, he lost. The last we heard from him, he was on his way to Vegas to try out his Blackjack Theory. We wish him the best of luck and a speedy return. The checkbook needs to be balanced.
