A few weeks ago, Dutch posted an hour's worth of kid-friendly music that wasn't necessarily recorded for children. It was a fun and eclectic mix and my children and I enjoyed listening to it, although none of us cared for the Neil Young number.
That mix is great for smaller children. However, since my daughter is sixteen months away from starting kindergarten, the days of doing things solely for entertainment value are over. Now, every activity must be a learning experience as well.
Television has served us well and has taught Zoey a large number of things, but we've pretty much milked that cow for all it's worth. So I'm turning to music.
Books will be used only as a last-ditch effort. Reading to your kids is soooo 1953.
I have always believed that music is a great teaching aid. When I was in school, I had trouble memorizing facts, numeric constants, and terminologies. Needless to say, biology and history classes were nightmares for me.
Yet I think I know the lyrics to 416,791 songs.
When I was in high school, I was forced required to learn Hamlet's "To be or not to be" soliloquy. Knowing damn well I could have read that thing a gazillion and a half times and would never retain a thing, I hooked up my synths and drum machine and recorded a rap version of the monologue. After a weekend of listening to the tape, I was able to flawlessly recite the speech.
Still can.
So to help Zoey learn various topics, I have gone though the massive CD collection at Casa Cynical and grouped songs by subject matter. I have songs about cars, songs about love, songs about war, etc., ready to go when the need arises.
But since I love you guys so much, I've decided to share my playlists so your children can also learn these subjects as well. Unfortunately, I do not know how to set up one of those fancy-schmancy iPod-looking things that Dutch uses. But most of the songs I'll be using are fairly mainstream, so you should have no trouble tracking them down and may have them in your collection already.
To kick things off, I've decided to cover a subject near and dear to everyone's heart.
Ten Songs About Masturbation
Billy Idol Dancing With MyselfBilly Idol (1982)
I remember there was a boy at my middle school with Billy Idol hair. All the chicks dug him. After high school, he came out of the closet.
I think I was out of high school before I realized this song was about masturbation. I thought it was about dancing. I was/am a moron.
Violent Femmes Blister In The Sun
Violent Femmes (1983)
Gordon Gano claims this song is not about masturbation. I stain my sheets? Big hands, I know you're the one? Whatever.
Cyndi Lauper She Bop
She's So Unusual (1983)
Was she trying to invent her own terminology for female masturbation? If so, it didn't stick. I've never heard a girl call it she-bopping, have you?
I revisited this album a few weeks ago and I feel it is one of the best albums to come out of the early 80s. You can keep your Madonna. I'll take Cyndi any day.
I think I was out of high school before I realized this song was about masturbation. I thought it was about dancing. I was/am a moron.
Faith No More Epic
The Real Thing (1989)
Could you imagine if this album had come out in 1999 instead? They would have been H-U-G-E. Sadly, they're probably best known for having Bjork's dying fish in their video.
Crispin Hellion Glover Auto-Manipulator
The Big Problem ≠ The Solution. The Solution = Let It Be. (1989)
George McFly raps! This song, like the rest of the album (which includes an over-the-top cover of These Boots Are Made For Walking), is a glorious mess.
Note to Hollywood: Fill all your bit roles with Mr. Glover. Everything goes better with Crispin! Why do you think everyone went to see Charlie's Angels? Was it because it starred three hotties wearing skintight or skimpy outfits throughout the entire flick? All the action and big explosions? To see if a guy known primarily for his work with music videos could direct an entire movie? Nope, nope, and nope. They were there to see Crispin.
Mr. Bungle The Girls Of Porn
Mr. Bungle (1991)
Mike Patton's second time on this list! There is no doubt what this song's about; it sounds like you're listening to a porno through most of the song.
This whole album is twisted, both musically and lyrically. Two thumbs up!
Jellyfish He's My Best Friend
Spilt Milk (1993)
I loved Jellyfish and later, Imperial Drag. Never understood why this band didn't get more attention from the public. They wrote some catchy tunes during their short career.
Green Day Longview
Dookie (1994)
Can you believe Green Day's still going strong (if not stronger) twelve years later? They're like the Bon Jovi of pop punk.
Liz Phair Turning Japanese
Juvenilia (1995)
This is probably the most well known song about masturbation. Although originally recorded by The Vapors, I prefer Liz's version. Something about Liz Phair and masturbation go hand-in-hand.
Nirvana Spank Thru
From The Muddy Banks Of The Wishkah (1996)
This is rumored to be Nirvana's very first song. I can't think of any better subject to kick off your musical career. This song did not see the light of day until the release of this live album. A demo version later turned up on 2004's With The Lights Out.
B-Sides (Honorable Mentions)
Divinyls I Touch MyselfDivinyls (1991)
I loathe this song. It is only included here because it is one of the most popular songs about masturbation.
The Pixies Holiday Song
Come On Pilgrim (1987)
This song mentions masturbation but is really about *ahem* more questionable material. But it's the Pixies, so anytime you can include them on a mix tape, you do so. I dare you to find a cooler song about incest.
Prince Darling Nikki
Purple Rain (1984)
Despite the fact that it has only one line that deals with masturbation, this song has to be included just for the simple fact that it got Tipper Gore's panties all in a bunch and eventually led to those Parental Advisory stickers that make CDs so appealing to thirteen-year-olds.
Iron Butterfly In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida
In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida (1968)
I really have no idea what this song it about. Picnics? Economics? Masturbation is as good an interpretation as any.
So... did I leave your favorite masturbation song off the list?
