The Memory Book For The Cynical Parent

I know some of you own those fancy memory books where you record milestones like your child's first tooth, first time he/she said, "Mama," first time they spent the night at Grandma's house, and so on.

Know what? That lovey-dovey crap ain't for me.

Besides, who wants the memories of their child's milestones interspersed with lame images of innocent victims children being eaten by flowers?

That is why I've created The Memory Book For The Cynical Parent. Feel free to print this out and staple it in the back of your current memory book.

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First biting incident: __________

First trip to the doctor to remove a foreign object from the nose: __________

First broken bone: __________

First "I hate you, Mom (or Dad)": __________

First "F" on report card: __________

First emergency parent-teacher conference: __________

First school suspension: __________

First fistfight: __________

First dirty magazine: __________

First cigarette: __________

First alcoholic beverage: __________

First illegal drug: __________

First premarital sex: __________

First drunken party with friends while parents are out of town: __________

First nontraditional hair dyeing (purple, green, orange, etc.): __________

First tattoo: __________

First nontraditional piercing: __________

First missed curfew: __________

First loser boyfriend or girlfriend: __________

First shoplifting arrest: __________

First night in jail: __________

First rehab stay: __________

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This post was inspired by the second item on the list. On Friday evening, Zoey jammed paper up her nose. Moron.

We tried to remove it with tweezers, but she was freaking out way too much and it was pretty far up in her nose. We took her to the doctor, where it took the two of us and a nurse to hold her down while the doctor removed the paper.

Hopefully, she learned a lesson.

I know I did: My daughter is a moron.