We used to love The Berenstain Bears. Their books are like The Great American Sitcom: you've got Mama Bear, the wise, no-nonsense matriarch; Papa Bear, the bumbling, fumbling oaf; and Brother and Sister Bear, their mischievous offspring. And just like any long-running sitcom, once their fan base began to dwindle, Mama Bear popped out another cub, Honey Bear, just to keep the people coming back for more!
But unlike most sitcoms, every book in The Berenstain Bears series is A Very Special Episode. There are titles such as The Berenstain Bears And The Bad Habit, The Berenstain Bears' Trouble At School, and The Berenstain Bears Forget Their Manners. If your child has a problem, the bears are there to solve it. Kid scared of the dentist? Have him read The Berenstain Bears Visit The Dentist. Kid doesn't pick up after himself? Have him read The Berenstain Bears And The Messy Room.
The Berenstain Bears have taught Zoey many valuable lessons. But they also taught her something I wasn't quite ready for her to learn yet. Or ever.
This afternoon, I came downstairs after putting the laundry in the dryer and peeked into the living room to see what the kids were doing. Zed was sitting on the floor and Zoey was sitting across from him. She had his sippy cup on the floor between them. I watched her spin the sippy cup. When the sippy cup stopped, she said, "It landed on you!" and gave Zed a kiss.
Zoey was playing Spin The Bottle.
For those of you who don't quite understand the gravity of the situation, let me put it in simpler terms:
MY FOUR-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER WAS PLAYING SPIN THE FUCKING BOTTLE WITH HER BROTHER!!!
Cynical Dad: Reinforcing Southern Stereotypes.
I ran into the room yelling, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
"Playing Spin The Bottle," she answered nonchalantly. She even knew the game's name.
"Who taught you that game?" I demanded, ready to pick up the phone and have an impromptu parent-parent conference with the breeder of the child that had poisoned Zoey's mind. But before I could fully whip myself into a frenzy of self-righteous indignation, she answered, "The Berenstain Bears."
Stunned, I began leafing through the Card Catalog Of My Mind that housed the contents of the Cynical Dad Library. "Zoey, I can't think of any Berenstain Bears book that talks about Spin The Bottle. Are you telling me the truth?"
"YES! It's a video, not a book," she hissed at me, angry that I dared question her.
"We don't own a Berenstain Bears video!" I shot back.
"YES WE DO! Mommy bought it at the yard sale!" So I walked into the playroom, looked at the stack of videos she was allowed to watch during Quiet/Nap Time, and sure enough, a Berenstain Bears video was there. I popped it into the VCR and fast-forwarded the tape until I came to the scene in question. The Spin The Bottle portion probably only received six or seven seconds of screen time, but it was long enough to make an impression on Zoey. So I ejected the video and put it on top of the Tower Of Choking Hazards And Toys/Games Of Questionable Content.
Maybe we'll revisit the Berenstain Bears later down the road. I'm sure we'll eventually cross the Bears' path again when we're in need of such titles as The Berenstain Bears: Sister Bear Is A Heather, The Berenstain Bears And The Creepy Instant Messaging Guy, or The Berenstain Bears And Brother Bear's First Spliff.
GHS: 9
Update: Since so many of you asked, the video in question is The Berenstain Bears And Too Much Birthday, which is also a book in the series (I do not know if the book also contains Spin The Bottle). At the party for Sister Bear's sixth birthday, they decide to play Spin The Bottle (along with other less-threatening games like Pin The Tail On The Donkey) but Sister wusses out and kisses Brother Bear.
Song of the day: Grey Cell Green by Ned's Atomic Dustbin
Parenting Tips For The Overly Neurotic: Always Screen Your Children's Videos
