Please note: The title does not refer to a machine gun or a penis. I don't have a machine gun. I do, however, have a penis but I would never refer to it as my little friend. Its name is Horatio von Pounder.
My summer of books is about to come to an end. While I will miss reading so many great books (and ESPECIALLY the free time I had to do so), there's one thing I will not miss: a certain librarian at my local branch.
Our relationship started out innocently enough. I was looking through the genre pamphlets near the counter. They had lists for Drama novels, Mystery novels, and everything under the sun. They even had a "If you liked Twilight, you'll like…" pamphlet.
Everything!
Except one for Humor.
So I asked the librarian. I told her a few authors I liked: Kurt Vonnegut, Christopher Moore, Tom Robbins, and David Sedaris. She told me she'd ask her supervisor.
A few seconds later, a man bounded from behind the stacks, eager to meet my request. Unfortunately, he only concentrated on the David Sedaris part of my list and thought I was interested in humorous autobiographies. So he led me to some book about a mistress of Winston Churchill or something like that.
I played along. I picked up the book, eyed it, and when he left, put it back on the shelf.
Five minutes later, he returned and tried to pawn another autobiography off on me. I did my feigned interest pantomime again. Before he left, I mentioned that they should publish a Humor pamphlet. He started rambling on about humor being subjective and how that Ray Romano fellow has a dirty mouth.
I left the library without a book.
The next week, Zoey and I were looking through the videos for something to watch that afternoon. He appeared out of nowhere, book in hand, and said, "Here's a perfect book for you."
I looked at it. I Still Have It… I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It: Confessions of a Fiftysomething by Rita Rudner.
He was right: humor is subjective because there's no way I'd put Rita Rudner and humor in the same sentence.
I now go to a different library.
Say Hello To My Little Friend. No, Really. Please Say Hello To Him And Maybe He'll Leave Me The Hell Alone.
My Evening With David Sedaris
Alternate Title: I, Cockmaster
A few weeks ago, I was lucky enough to attend a David Sedaris book signing.
For those of you who have never attended one of his signings, here's how it works: for the first hour, he does a reading (which, after hearing him read his material, I'm going to have to listen to a few of his books on CD) and then answers a few questions from the audience. After that, he signs books and talks to his fans until he meets the very last person in line. From what I heard, he stayed at the bookstore until 3:00 AM that morning. The man is a rock star!
And it's free! Well, it wasn't actually free for me. Since I had read all his books from the library, I ponied up the $14.99 for the Me Talk Pretty One Day paperback so I could have something signed.
I had a great time that evening. And I learned a lot:
It is good to be in the know.
I went to the bookstore a few days early to see if I could get some details for the show. AfterDavid Sedaris is hysterical.
But you knew that already.I am a cockmaster.
Or at least according to Mr. Sedaris, because that is what he called me in his inscription in my copy of Me Talk Pretty One Day. I really don't know the correct definition of this term, but I would assume it could only mean one of two things: either I am the master of my own cock or I am the master of others' cocks. And if it's the latter, I picked the wrong career path.I cannot speak to people, even those I admire.
As I was standing in line to have him sign my book, I started thinking about what I wanted to say to him. I couldn't think of a damn thing. I know most people had witty anecdotes planned but since I didn't have any breastfeeding stories to share, I was speechless (or mindless, at that point). So when I finally got up there, I mumbled something about being a big fan and thanking him for taking the time to give back to his fans. I'm so lame.David Sedaris likes my daughter's name.
When I tell people my daughter's real name, half will look at me funny like they didn't hear me correctly (or were hoping they didn't hear me correctly) and the other half will say something like, "Wow! That's a cool name! Where did you come up with that?" When I told David Sedaris my children's names (he asked; I'm not that socially inept that I start rattling off my children's names and Social Security numbers when I meet celebrities), he said, "[Zoey]. I like that. Most parents today give their kids stupid fucking names, but I like [Zoey]."I am becoming what I hate.
As I walked around the bookstore waiting for the show to begin, I took notice of the crowd. There seemed to be a large number of older, pretentious assholes milling about the place, saying things like, "I remember the first time I heard David Sedaris. It was during a long, snowy drive through Connecticut to my daughter's wedding. It was a harrowing ride, but Sedaris was good for many guffaws." First of all, who the hell says guffaw? Go ahead, say it. It's an ugly word, hard to pronounce, and it always sounds like you're making some sort of bird call or something. But then I realized something: those people were there for the same reason I was. And since we shared at least one common characteristic, did that mean I was a pretentious asshole, too? I've been doing a lot of soul searching since his performance. So if I run up to you on the street tomorrow and ask you if you think I'm a pretentious asshole, don't spare my feelings. I need the truth.
The Jack Factor
In Fargo Rock City, Chuck Klosterman rates some of his favorite albums based on something he calls the "Jack Factor." Basically, it's how much money someone would have to pay him to never intentionally listen to an album again (if a song from the album came on the radio or when he was out in public, he was free to listen to it).
I found this idea very intriguing (actually, I fell in love with most of what I read in the book. Between the small town life and the love of metal and hair bands, I feel I could've written the book. Only my version would've sucked.). He ranks releases by Ratt, Junkyard, Warrant, Poison, Faster Pussycat, and many other hair bands and gives them a price range between $66 for Van Halen's 1984 and $5,001 for Appetite For Destruction (but I saw in an interview that he has since increased that number to $25,000.).
Even though I ranked Nine Inch Nails' The Downward Spiral as my #1 album on my Top 100 Albums Of All Time list (if you click on the link, I have no idea what happened to all the album covers), one spot ahead of Guns N' Roses' Appetite For Destruction, I would have to say you would have to pay me more money to never listen to Appetite again (actually, that album should've been my #1. I need to go back and reorder that whole damn thing). How much? If money were not an issue (we were living comfortably, not rich, but comfortable), I would go with $8,000. But right now, I would probably give up "Rocket Queen" and the album's eleven other tracks for 14 bucks and change.
It's your turn. Pretend you had all the money you needed to pay your bills and still have a little bit left over at the end of the month. Let me know in the comments what album you would most hate to part with and how much it would cost me to take it off your hands.
I Love I Love You, Beth Cooper
Last week, I read Larry Doyle's I Love You, Beth Cooper. It's about a nerdy valedictorian who confesses his secret love for the head cheerleader during his valedictorian speech. Comedic hijinks ensue.
Since Doyle is a former writer for The Simpsons, it should come as no surprise that this book is hilarious. It's dialogue-heavy and is just begging to be made into a movie.
Which it is.
According to the trailer, it comes out on July 10th. By the looks of the trailer, it stays pretty true to the book.
Except for one thing.
It stars Hayden Panettiere, the star of that superhero show that comes on Monday nights. While she's cute and seems like a decent enough actress, she also seems like someone that doesn't do nudity. I might be mistaken, but I noticed in the trailer there's a locker room scene where she flashes the valedictorian (a scene which plays out quite differently in the book), only the scene is shot from her back.
In order to make a great teenage sex comedy, you must have nudity!
When Hollywood buys the rights to my book, there will be a clause in the contract stating that the main actress must appear nude in at least one scene in the movie.
Because everyone wants to see a full-frontal shot of a female Bigfoot.
Lucky Jim
I just finished Lucky Jim by Kingsley Amis. Great book. Hilarious. Highly recommended.
The title character, James Dixon, is someone who feels he's incapable of doing his job, is constantly dealing with stupid people, makes funny faces when no one is looking, has trouble dealing with pompous asses, tries to cover his mistakes by making even bigger mistakes, and is not the best public speaker in the world. It's been awhile since I've identified so strongly with a literary character.
Which begs the question -- which literary character do you most strongly identify with?
Five For Friday: Favorite Books
For Sarah, who asked, "What are the best five books you have ever read?"
Top Five Favorite Books
- Breakfast Of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
- Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins
- The Catcher In The Rye by J. D. Salinger
- Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
- The Little Engine That Could
But I need something new to read, so please leave some suggestions in the comments.
Two requests:
- I'd like the book to be humorous.
- It has to be available at the public library. I'm a cheap bastard.
The Most Annoying Character In Children's Literature
When it comes to books, Zoey is a creature of habit. She'll find a book and, if she likes it, she'll want to read all the books by that particular author. We went through a Dr. Seuss phase and have read a great deal of The Berenstain Bears books (Seriously, who could read them all? They've put out something like 15,000 different titles.). We've also plowed through most of the Curious George books.
But lately we've been reading another well-known character. The books are good and teach decent life lessons (or at least the morals one can learn from a talking aardvark). But I can't stand the main character's little sister. She is annoying, a buzz kill, and a total jerk. Don't know who I'm talking about?
Dora Winifred Read.
Yes, I'm talking about Arthur's obnoxious little sister, D.W.
It doesn't matter if Arthur's trying to start a pet business or getting ready to meet the President, D.W. is along for the ride, offering words of discouragement and being a major pain in the ass.
I've started a write-in campaign to Marc Brown in the hopes he will pen Arthur Bitchslaps D.W. Who's with me?
Who do you think is the most annoying character in kids' books?
Song of the day: Lemon Tree by Fool's Garden
How Dr. Seuss Screwed Up My Life
As darkness approaches and it's time to sleep,
My small mind starts to race with thoughts that are deep.
"Why are we all here and from where did we come?
Why are some so happy while some are so glum?"
And onward I wrestle these thoughts in my head
Instead of sleeping soundly, snug in my bed.
My thoughts turn to me; I become quite critical.
"How did I end up so jaded and cynical?"
Was it my parents, my friends, or my teachers?
My colleagues, my foes, my lovers, my preachers?
I'll tell you, I'll tell you who did this to me:
'Twas that wily Dr. Seuss (as soon you will see)!
With books full of wonderment, books full of fun,
Books with the craziest things under the sun,
Books with the coolest illustrations you'll see.
Like a drug, I was hooked when I was still wee.
His tales of Loraxes, elephants, and cats
Wockets, Sneetches, and boys with too many hats
Oh, the places I went! Oh, the things I saw!
His books and his drawings filled me with great awe.
But then recently I reentered his world,
Telling his stories to my boy and my girl.
I reread those old tales and found their true meanings
I found myself in need of soul and mind cleanings.
I blame Dr. Seuss for turning out this way!
I know others will laugh, while others will say,
"The Cat In The Hat did not make you aloof!"
If you still don't believe me, here is my proof:
Title: Horton Hatches The Egg
Lesson Learned: If you're nice to people, they will take advantage of you.
Title: McElligot's Pool
Lesson Learned: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Teach a moron to fish and he's better off eating the worm.
Title: Thidwick, The Big-Hearted Moose
Lesson Learned: See Horton Hatches The Egg. But unlike Horton, you can get those who took advantage of you killed in the end. Rock!
Title: If I Ran The Zoo
Lesson Learned: If you have big dreams, make sure you find some unlucky bastard to do all the hard work for you.
Title: Scrambled Eggs Super!
Lesson Learned: It's okay to steal the eggs of the world's rarest (and probably nearly extinct) birds to make a really big omelet. Excuse me. Scrambled Eggs Super-Dee-Dooper-Dee-Booper, Special de luxe à-la-Peter T. Hooper.
Title: On Beyond Zebra!
Lesson Learned: Illiteracy.
Title: The Cat In The Hat
Lesson Learned: It's perfectly fine to invite complete strangers into your home when no one's around. Just don't tell Mom!
Title: Happy Birthday To You!
Lesson Learned: All the birthday parties I've ever had have sucked in comparison to those thrown in Katroo.
Title: Green Eggs And Ham
Lesson Learned: If you bug someone long enough, they'll give in and do whatever you want.
Title: The Sneetches
Lesson Learned: Everyone wants to be like the popular people. If you can find a way to make this happen, you will become very rich.
Title: The Zax
Lesson Learned: Never give in!
Title: Too Many Daves
Lesson Learned: George Foreman should have read this book.
Title: What Was I Scared Of?
Lesson Learned: Don't go out after dark.
Title: I Had Trouble In Getting To Solla Sollew
Lesson Learned: You'll find troubles wherever you go, so it's best to take them out with a big-assed bat.
Title: I Can Lick 30 Tigers Today!
Lesson Learned: It's okay to talk shit as long as you don't have to back it up.
Title: The Glunk That Got Thunk
Lesson Learned: A child's imagination is a dangerous thing. Let them watch television instead.
Title: Mr. Brown Can Moo! Can You?
Lesson Learned: That Police Academy dude ain't got nothing on Mr. Brown.
Title: The Lorax
Lesson Learned: The best way to deal with environmental activists is to ignore them. Eventually they get bored protesting, pick themselves up by their asses, and float away.
Title: There's A Wocket In My Pocket!
Lesson Learned: Find a good exterminator.
Title: Hunches In Bunches
Lesson Learned: Make sure all your multiple personalities are in agreement before deciding to do anything.
Title: The Butter Battle Book
Lesson Learned: Destroy everyone who is different from you.
Title: Oh, The Places You'll Go!
Lesson Learned: False hope.
Song of the day: Institutionalized by Suicidal Tendencies
Parenting Tips For The Overly Neurotic: Always Screen Your Children's Videos
We used to love The Berenstain Bears. Their books are like The Great American Sitcom: you've got Mama Bear, the wise, no-nonsense matriarch; Papa Bear, the bumbling, fumbling oaf; and Brother and Sister Bear, their mischievous offspring. And just like any long-running sitcom, once their fan base began to dwindle, Mama Bear popped out another cub, Honey Bear, just to keep the people coming back for more!
But unlike most sitcoms, every book in The Berenstain Bears series is A Very Special Episode. There are titles such as The Berenstain Bears And The Bad Habit, The Berenstain Bears' Trouble At School, and The Berenstain Bears Forget Their Manners. If your child has a problem, the bears are there to solve it. Kid scared of the dentist? Have him read The Berenstain Bears Visit The Dentist. Kid doesn't pick up after himself? Have him read The Berenstain Bears And The Messy Room.
The Berenstain Bears have taught Zoey many valuable lessons. But they also taught her something I wasn't quite ready for her to learn yet. Or ever.
This afternoon, I came downstairs after putting the laundry in the dryer and peeked into the living room to see what the kids were doing. Zed was sitting on the floor and Zoey was sitting across from him. She had his sippy cup on the floor between them. I watched her spin the sippy cup. When the sippy cup stopped, she said, "It landed on you!" and gave Zed a kiss.
Zoey was playing Spin The Bottle.
For those of you who don't quite understand the gravity of the situation, let me put it in simpler terms:
MY FOUR-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER WAS PLAYING SPIN THE FUCKING BOTTLE WITH HER BROTHER!!!
Cynical Dad: Reinforcing Southern Stereotypes.
I ran into the room yelling, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
"Playing Spin The Bottle," she answered nonchalantly. She even knew the game's name.
"Who taught you that game?" I demanded, ready to pick up the phone and have an impromptu parent-parent conference with the breeder of the child that had poisoned Zoey's mind. But before I could fully whip myself into a frenzy of self-righteous indignation, she answered, "The Berenstain Bears."
Stunned, I began leafing through the Card Catalog Of My Mind that housed the contents of the Cynical Dad Library. "Zoey, I can't think of any Berenstain Bears book that talks about Spin The Bottle. Are you telling me the truth?"
"YES! It's a video, not a book," she hissed at me, angry that I dared question her.
"We don't own a Berenstain Bears video!" I shot back.
"YES WE DO! Mommy bought it at the yard sale!" So I walked into the playroom, looked at the stack of videos she was allowed to watch during Quiet/Nap Time, and sure enough, a Berenstain Bears video was there. I popped it into the VCR and fast-forwarded the tape until I came to the scene in question. The Spin The Bottle portion probably only received six or seven seconds of screen time, but it was long enough to make an impression on Zoey. So I ejected the video and put it on top of the Tower Of Choking Hazards And Toys/Games Of Questionable Content.
Maybe we'll revisit the Berenstain Bears later down the road. I'm sure we'll eventually cross the Bears' path again when we're in need of such titles as The Berenstain Bears: Sister Bear Is A Heather, The Berenstain Bears And The Creepy Instant Messaging Guy, or The Berenstain Bears And Brother Bear's First Spliff.
GHS: 9
Update: Since so many of you asked, the video in question is The Berenstain Bears And Too Much Birthday, which is also a book in the series (I do not know if the book also contains Spin The Bottle). At the party for Sister Bear's sixth birthday, they decide to play Spin The Bottle (along with other less-threatening games like Pin The Tail On The Donkey) but Sister wusses out and kisses Brother Bear.
Song of the day: Grey Cell Green by Ned's Atomic Dustbin
Judging A Book By Its Author
While Zed and I were home watching Carolina complete their sweep of Duke, Zoey and Ella went shopping for a book. Every month, two students from Zoey's preschool class are chosen to purchase a book and donate it to the class. The class keeps the books for a month and then donates them to charity. March is Zoey's month.
Right when Billy Packer started bitching about Gerald Henderson getting ejected for bloodying Tyler Hansbrough's nose (Packer claimed Henderson was "going for the ball" despite the fact the ball was nowhere near Hansbrough, much less up his nose), the phone rang.
Me: Hello?
Ella: We're on our way back. You need anything?
Me: I'm fine. What book did you get? A princess book?
Ella: No. Some book by Jamie Lee Curtis.
Me: WHAT?
Ella: Some book by Jamie--
Me: I heard you. Why did you buy her that book?
Ella: Because we both liked it. It's a book about self-esteem. It's got some really great illustrations.
Me: She was TOPLESS in Trading Places. What were you thinking?
Ella: I wasn't thinking about her boobs when I bought it.
Me: It's a Baptist preschool. What are they going to think?
Ella: That it's a great book about self-esteem.
Me: She was in horror movies!
Ella: I'm hanging up now.
My superhero power is the ability to overanalyze even the most mundane situation and find/create the negative in it. Unfortunately, this skill doesn't come in too handy for my fellow man. Which is why I don't get to wear a cape in public.
But the book is pretty cool. And it does have some great illustrations.
Hopefully Zoey's teachers agree.
Sorry I've been away so long. I've been quite sick the past week. It started on Tuesday and I finally went to the doctor on Thursday. The doctor was convinced I had the flu, so she ran a flu test on me. Which, in case you've never had a flu test, means they stick a long cotton swab inside your nostril and use it to scrape the top of your skull. When that test came back negative, she did a blood test to see if it was something bacterial. When that came back negative, she shrugged her shoulders and said, "It's viral. It'll pass eventually." I've had a fever (twice reaching above 103) for the past five days along with a nasty cough and cold and just a general achy feeling. I've been quite a joy to be around.
Song of the day: The Emperor's New Clothes by Sinead O'Connor
The Cynical Dad Book Club
Here is a list of books I've read (and recommend) since March 2009:
Kingsley Amis Lucky Jim
S.G. Browne Breathers: A Zombie's Lament
Larry Doyle I Love You, Beth Cooper
Katherine Dunn Geek Love
Clyde Edgerton The Bible Salesman
Carl Hiaasen Lucky You
Josh Kilmer-Purcell Candy Everybody Wants
Chuck Klosterman Fargo Rock City
Christopher Moore Bloodsucking Fiends: A Love Story
Christopher Moore Coyote Blue
Christopher Moore A Dirty Job
Christopher Moore Fluke, Or, I Know Why The Winged Whale Sings
Christopher Moore Fool
Christopher Moore Island of the Sequined Love Nun
Christopher Moore Lamb: The Gospel According To Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
Christopher Moore The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove
Christopher Moore Practical Demonkeeping
Christopher Moore The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
Christopher Moore You Suck
Neal Pollack Never Mind The Pollacks
David Sedaris Barrel Fever
David Sedaris Dress Your Family In Corduroy And Denim
David Sedaris Holidays On Ice
David Sedaris Me Talk Pretty One Day
David Sedaris Naked
David Sedaris When You Are Engulfed in Flames
John Kennedy Toole A Confederacy of Dunces
Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. A Man Without a Country (somehow I didn't know this book existed)
