As darkness approaches and it's time to sleep,
My small mind starts to race with thoughts that are deep.
"Why are we all here and from where did we come?
Why are some so happy while some are so glum?"
And onward I wrestle these thoughts in my head
Instead of sleeping soundly, snug in my bed.
My thoughts turn to me; I become quite critical.
"How did I end up so jaded and cynical?"
Was it my parents, my friends, or my teachers?
My colleagues, my foes, my lovers, my preachers?
I'll tell you, I'll tell you who did this to me:
'Twas that wily Dr. Seuss (as soon you will see)!
With books full of wonderment, books full of fun,
Books with the craziest things under the sun,
Books with the coolest illustrations you'll see.
Like a drug, I was hooked when I was still wee.
His tales of Loraxes, elephants, and cats
Wockets, Sneetches, and boys with too many hats
Oh, the places I went! Oh, the things I saw!
His books and his drawings filled me with great awe.
But then recently I reentered his world,
Telling his stories to my boy and my girl.
I reread those old tales and found their true meanings
I found myself in need of soul and mind cleanings.
I blame Dr. Seuss for turning out this way!
I know others will laugh, while others will say,
"The Cat In The Hat did not make you aloof!"
If you still don't believe me, here is my proof:
Title: Horton Hatches The Egg
Lesson Learned: If you're nice to people, they will take advantage of you.
Title: McElligot's Pool
Lesson Learned: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Teach a moron to fish and he's better off eating the worm.
Title: Thidwick, The Big-Hearted Moose
Lesson Learned: See Horton Hatches The Egg. But unlike Horton, you can get those who took advantage of you killed in the end. Rock!
Title: If I Ran The Zoo
Lesson Learned: If you have big dreams, make sure you find some unlucky bastard to do all the hard work for you.
Title: Scrambled Eggs Super!
Lesson Learned: It's okay to steal the eggs of the world's rarest (and probably nearly extinct) birds to make a really big omelet. Excuse me. Scrambled Eggs Super-Dee-Dooper-Dee-Booper, Special de luxe à-la-Peter T. Hooper.
Title: On Beyond Zebra!
Lesson Learned: Illiteracy.
Title: The Cat In The Hat
Lesson Learned: It's perfectly fine to invite complete strangers into your home when no one's around. Just don't tell Mom!
Title: Happy Birthday To You!
Lesson Learned: All the birthday parties I've ever had have sucked in comparison to those thrown in Katroo.
Title: Green Eggs And Ham
Lesson Learned: If you bug someone long enough, they'll give in and do whatever you want.
Title: The Sneetches
Lesson Learned: Everyone wants to be like the popular people. If you can find a way to make this happen, you will become very rich.
Title: The Zax
Lesson Learned: Never give in!
Title: Too Many Daves
Lesson Learned: George Foreman should have read this book.
Title: What Was I Scared Of?
Lesson Learned: Don't go out after dark.
Title: I Had Trouble In Getting To Solla Sollew
Lesson Learned: You'll find troubles wherever you go, so it's best to take them out with a big-assed bat.
Title: I Can Lick 30 Tigers Today!
Lesson Learned: It's okay to talk shit as long as you don't have to back it up.
Title: The Glunk That Got Thunk
Lesson Learned: A child's imagination is a dangerous thing. Let them watch television instead.
Title: Mr. Brown Can Moo! Can You?
Lesson Learned: That Police Academy dude ain't got nothing on Mr. Brown.
Title: The Lorax
Lesson Learned: The best way to deal with environmental activists is to ignore them. Eventually they get bored protesting, pick themselves up by their asses, and float away.
Title: There's A Wocket In My Pocket!
Lesson Learned: Find a good exterminator.
Title: Hunches In Bunches
Lesson Learned: Make sure all your multiple personalities are in agreement before deciding to do anything.
Title: The Butter Battle Book
Lesson Learned: Destroy everyone who is different from you.
Title: Oh, The Places You'll Go!
Lesson Learned: False hope.
Song of the day: Institutionalized by Suicidal Tendencies
How Dr. Seuss Screwed Up My Life
