Alternate Title: I, Cockmaster
A few weeks ago, I was lucky enough to attend a David Sedaris book signing.
For those of you who have never attended one of his signings, here's how it works: for the first hour, he does a reading (which, after hearing him read his material, I'm going to have to listen to a few of his books on CD) and then answers a few questions from the audience. After that, he signs books and talks to his fans until he meets the very last person in line. From what I heard, he stayed at the bookstore until 3:00 AM that morning. The man is a rock star!
And it's free! Well, it wasn't actually free for me. Since I had read all his books from the library, I ponied up the $14.99 for the Me Talk Pretty One Day paperback so I could have something signed.
I had a great time that evening. And I learned a lot:
It is good to be in the know.
I went to the bookstore a few days early to see if I could get some details for the show. After
flirting with talking with the cute girl behind the counter for a few minutes, she let me know they were giving out wristbands when they opened on the day of the show. She told me the number on your wristband corresponded to your place in the signing line and the first fifty people in line would be given a seat during the show (everyone else had to stand, most behind bookshelves so they were unable to see David Sedaris as he spoke). I was #32, so not only was I out of there by 10:30 PM, I also got to sit on my lazy ass all night long. Score!
David Sedaris is hysterical.
But you knew that already.
I am a cockmaster.
Or at least according to Mr. Sedaris, because that is what he called me in his inscription in my copy of
Me Talk Pretty One Day. I really don't know the correct definition of this term, but I would assume it could only mean one of two things: either I am the master of my own cock or I am the master of others' cocks. And if it's the latter, I picked the wrong career path.
I cannot speak to people, even those I admire.
As I was standing in line to have him sign my book, I started thinking about what I wanted to say to him. I couldn't think of a damn thing. I know most people had witty anecdotes planned but since I didn't have any breastfeeding stories to share, I was speechless (or mindless, at that point). So when I finally got up there, I mumbled something about being a big fan and thanking him for taking the time to give back to his fans. I'm so lame.
David Sedaris likes my daughter's name.
When I tell people my daughter's real name, half will look at me funny like they didn't hear me correctly (or were hoping they didn't hear me correctly) and the other half will say something like, "Wow! That's a cool name! Where did you come up with that?" When I told David Sedaris my children's names (he asked; I'm not that socially inept that I start rattling off my children's names and Social Security numbers when I meet celebrities), he said, "[Zoey]. I like that. Most parents today give their kids stupid fucking names, but I like [Zoey]."
I am becoming what I hate.
As I walked around the bookstore waiting for the show to begin, I took notice of the crowd. There seemed to be a large number of older, pretentious assholes milling about the place, saying things like, "I remember the first time I heard David Sedaris. It was during a long, snowy drive through Connecticut to my daughter's wedding. It was a harrowing ride, but Sedaris was good for many guffaws." First of all, who the hell says guffaw? Go ahead, say it. It's an ugly word, hard to pronounce, and it always sounds like you're making some sort of bird call or something. But then I realized something: those people were there for the same reason I was. And since we shared at least one common characteristic, did that mean I was a pretentious asshole, too? I've been doing a lot of soul searching since his performance. So if I run up to you on the street tomorrow and ask you if you think I'm a pretentious asshole, don't spare my feelings. I need the truth.
