Zoey has been an absolute hellion lately. She's a good girl roughly 75% of the time, but lately she has been operating at the 50% level. I have finally figured out why.
For a solid month, she was a good girl 90% of the time. The reason? We were constantly telling her things like, "Santa's watching" or "Santa only brings presents to good boys and girls." It was great.
But now, not only does she have a lot of "badness" to make up for, there's nothing we can hold over her head to keep her in line. Wouldn't it be nice if there was a holiday every month parents could use to threaten entice their children with?
Oh, but there is. (And all of these holidays are real. I got them off the web. And the web never lies.)
January
There aren't many official holidays this month (New Year's Day, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day), so let's take a look at the weirder holidays (which is something we'll have to do for many of the months). In January, one can celebrate Play God Day, National Hugging Day (yuck!), and International Skeptics Day (note to self: look into this one), but I'm going with Thomas Crapper Day.Holiday: Thomas Crapper Day, January 27
If They're Good: Chocolate (you'll notice an ongoing theme).
If They're Bad: Something that looks like chocolate, but tastes nowhere near as yummy.
February
Holiday: Valentine's Day, February 14If They're Good: Chocolate, candy hearts.
If They're Bad: Cupid shoots them with an arrow.
March
Holiday: St. Patrick's Day, March 17If They're Good: Gold-covered chocolate coins (combines two of a child's greatest loves: money and candy).
If They're Bad:
April
Holiday: Easter, VariesIf They're Good: Chocolate, candy eggs.
If They're Bad: The Easter Bunny eggs their bicycles. Or just leaves droppings.
May
Cinco de Mayo, Mother's Day, and Memorial Day aren't very frightening. Unless you're sadistic enough to take the child's mother away on Mother's Day.Holiday: Clean Your Room Day, May 10
If They're Good: If they "celebrate" Clean Your Room Day, reward them with Eat What You Want Day (May 11).
If They're Bad: If they fail to "celebrate" Clean Your Room Day, punish them by making them eat healthy on Eat What You Want Day.
June
Once again, there is not much to pick from in the form of traditional holidays.Holiday: Pee On Earth Day, June 21 (This is the day when you're not supposed to flush your toilets and use your collected urine to water your outside plants. Ugh. No thanks.)
If They're Good: Let them urinate outside. C'mon, what kid doesn't love to take a whiz in the woods?
If They're Bad: Even I'm not that mean.
July
Independence Day just isn't threatening.Holiday: All Or Nothing Day, July 26
If They're Good: Amass a pile of cool stuff: toys, candy, etc. If they behave, they can have the entire pile.
If They're Bad: Do I have to spell it out for you?
August
Are there any real holidays in August?Holiday: Sea Serpent Day, August 17 (Finally! Something to scare the little ones!)
If They're Good: Chocolate.
If They're Bad: Let's just say the Labor Day trip to the beach should be awfully interesting.
September
You could always threaten to make them work on Labor Day.Holiday: Video Games Day, September 12
If They're Good: Buy them a new video game.
If They're Bad: Take a few of their old video games to the pawnshop and buy something for yourself.
October
Holiday: Halloween, October 31If They're Good: They get to eat all their Halloween candy.
If They're Bad: You get to eat all their Halloween candy.
November
Does your child have an irrational fear of turkeys? No? Neither does mine.Holiday: World Kindness Day, November 13
If They're Good: If they live up to the holiday, they're allowed to celebrate Pumpkin Pie Day (November 21).
If They're Bad: If they don't, they must celebrate Have A Bad Day Day (November 19).
I was really grasping at straws for November. Help?
December
Holiday: Christmas, December 25If They're Good: Presents. Duh!
If They're Bad: Lump of coal, no presents -- be creative!
This article is part of the ongoing series The Cynical Guide To Parenting.
