Paige has issued a challenge to all her readers: make the shittiest five-song mix tape ever. As I am no stranger to the fine art of mix tapes (mixtaping?), I had no choice but to play along.
Music is subjective. One person's favorite song ever is another person's dissonance. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Or in this case, the ears.
If you're trying to make a shitty mix tape, it would be very easy to say, "Just take the first five songs from any album by 98 Degrees, Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, or any other crappy boyband from the late 90s." Or just write down the first five songs you hear on your McRadio station.
One could also make a strong case for the hard rock hairbands of the 80s as well. Not me. I loved hairbands. I was a teenager during The Golden Age Of Hair. What's better than trying to pick up girls, drinking, and partying? Trying to pick up girls, drinking, and partying while listening to songs about picking up girls, drinking, and partying. It was like having a soundtrack to my life. A soundtrack sung by guys prettier than the girls I was meeting.
Weddings are also great fodder for shitty songs. If you take the following four staples played at most weddings: The Chicken Dance, Electric Slide, The Hokey Pokey, and Macarena and add in the couple's "first dance" song, you'll probably end up with a pretty shitty mix tape (and in case you were wondering, none of these songs were played at our wedding (of course, the DJ segued from our "first dance" song to My Way by Sid Vicious, so that might tell you something right there)).
But in the end, I just decided to pick five songs that were very popular for reasons I cannot understand. So here's my entry in the Shitty Mix Tape Challenge:
The Beach Boys Kokomo
This song makes me want to spend a hot sunny day at the beach. And drown myself.
Bobby McFerrin Don't Worry Be Happy
Nothing about this song makes me happy. Here's a little song I wrote. You might want to sing it note for note. Um? I'll pass.
Billy Vera and The Beaters At This Moment
This song was everywhere in 1987. The world would have never been exposed to it had it not been for the television show Family Ties. The song languished in obscurity for five years until it the producers played it during several episodes of the 1987 season. Of all the social injustices brought upon us by Family Ties (such as Tina Yothers' acting career), this is by far the worst. Damn you, Alex P. Keaton!
Tracy Chapman Fast Car
There is no car fast enough to drive me away from this song.
Def Leppard Pour Some Sugar On Me
Let's take a look at the first four lines of the song:
Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on
Livin' like a lover with a radar phone
Lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp
Demolition woman, can I be your man?
The hell? Do you realize it took five people to write these words? I think I could write a more coherent verse by blindly throwing one of those haiku magnet kits onto my refrigerator. I love my hairbands, but I hate this song.
ADDENDUM
I realize I have no chance of winning this contest. In my opinion, neither do any of the other entrants. Why? Because the shittiest mix tape was actually created in 1983. Just mull over these five songs for a second:The Association Along Comes Mary
Carpenters Close To You
Starland Vocal Band Afternoon Delight
Paul Anka (You're) Having My Baby
Captain & Tennille Love Will Keep Us Together
No really. Ponder the earth-shattering suckiness of those five songs a little bit longer.
Back? Good.
In 1983, hardcore/punk band Circle Jerks released Golden Shower Of Hits (Jerks On 45). It was a medley of all five songs, along with Tammy Wynette's cool country classic D-I-V-O-R-C-E. If you take each song separately, they are awful. AWFUL. But somehow, the Circle Jerks managed to weave them together into five minutes of pure punk bliss. It's amazing how they created such a thing of beauty from such abysmal pieces.
And the most impressive thing about the song is it actually tells a story:
- Boy Meets Girl (Along Comes Mary)
- They Fall In Love (Close To You)
- They Have Sex (Afternoon Delight)
- She Gets Pregnant ((You're) Having My Baby)
- The Couple Has Problems (Love Will Keep Us Together)
- The Couple Gets Divorced (D-I-V-O-R-C-E)
Related:
Masturbation Mix Tape
Mother's Day Mix Tape
Xmas Mix Tape
