Zoey loves to sing. Usually AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS. Passerbys and her grandmothers comment on how lovely her singing voice is. And I have to wonder, "Are they deaf?" Because I am. If you had to listen to her caterwauling all day long, your ears would bleed until you'd eventually grow deaf as well.
Imagine a high-pitched, unintentionally off-key version of the first verse of My Way by Sid Vicious. Now toss in the mumbled and slurred vocal styling of Shane MacGowan. Now imagine it on a forty-five minute loop. Are you developing a migraine yet?
She's also been writing her own songs lately. Her latest? Frosty On Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer, which sounds perverse but... is, actually. It involves, among other things, a sleepover between the two. Kind of gives a whole new meaning to the thumpety-thump-thump portion of the Frosty song.
Zoey is also a ham. She loves an audience. So, one might think that if you could combine Zoey's love for singing with an audience, she would be champing at the bit to perform, no?
No.
Last year, Zoey's preschool held a Christmas program. In came thirty little angels dressed in white with halos of garland atop their heads. Except one.
Zoey's halo was around her neck. We were not off to a good start.
After the teachers somehow managed to lead the children to the altar (the phrase herding cats comes to mind), the music started and most of the children began singing. Guess who chose to remain silent? She just stood there with a deer-in-the-headlights look, acting like she had never heard the song before or had any idea where she was. That's my girl!
After a song ended, one of the four-year-old kids would come out dressed as a shepherd, wise man, etc. and mutter a few soft-spoken words. Then another song would begin. Zoey remained stoic through the whole thing. In fact, the only time she showed any interest or emotion was when they would sing a song that required hand gestures. She would act out the song (admittedly, not as animatedly as her classmates) but would not sing. Perhaps she has a future as a mime?
Apparently, wearing the halo around her neck wasn't nonconformist enough for her, so she took it off and started twirling it around her arm. This must have been quite an exhausting activity, because after a few seconds of halo twirling, she had to sit down on the altar. Of course, four other children followed suit, causing the teachers to scurry over to rectify the situation.
Soon, she became totally bored with everything so she started looking at her classmates. Her eyes fell on the watch of her neighbor (and future fellow gang member). Since two-year-olds can only look with their hands, Zoey reached out and grabbed the girl's wrist. The girl recoiled in horror, put her other hand on her wrist, and turned her back to Zoey.
Like that move was going to deter my girl!
Zoey became much more forceful while yelling, "But I just want to see it!" Finally, a teacher came over and separated the two.
Luckily, the entire program was only ten minutes long. I would've hated to see what Zoey could've accomplished given a few more moments of boredom.
Last spring, they had another program at the end of the school year. This one was held outside on a bleacher. Unfortunately, they put Zoey on the bottom row, giving her easy access to the ground. While she miraculously remained seated for the length of the program, she didn't sing or act out any of the songs, as she was too busy picking blades of grass the entire time. 0 for 2!
My stomach was upset with antici... pation the morning of this year's Christmas program. I was expecting the worst and hoping for the best, as my inner pessimist is so fond of saying. About halfway into the program, I saw her turn to the girl next to her. Her brow lowered, her cheeks puffed out, and I thought to myself, "Oh, hell. It's on now."
Zoey got right up into the other girl's face and started wagging her finger at her. Apparently the other girl had accidentally hit Zoey's hand. How do I know this? Because I could plainly hear what Zoey was yelling at the girl, despite being five rows back in the church.
And then the girl pulled out the greatest anti-bullying tactic I have ever seen: she put both hands on Zoey's face and reached in and gave her a kiss on the mouth. Zoey pulled back, but the girl did it again, and both girls started laughing. Crisis averted!
Wonder what would have happened if I had tried a move like that growing up? I know, they would've just kicked my ass even harder.
But the day wasn't a total wash. Zoey acted out a few of the songs and even sang one word to a song. The word? Baa (it was a song about the manger scene). At the top of her lungs, of course.
Baby steps, my friend.
Can't wait until next year!
GHS: 4 (3 for Xmas 2004, 1 for Spring 2005, 0 for Xmas 2005 (it's not like the events came as a shock or anything))
*Yes, I know gratingest is not a word. It is today!
**I apologize for the lateness of this post. I had to find the videotape of last year's Christmas program as I had successfully blocked the events of that day from my mind. Oh, the soothing powers of denial!
The Gratingest* Show On Earth**
