I know. I've been very needy lately (Vote for me! Leave a comment!). You people come here to be entertained and I haven't been holding up my end of the bargain.
Yeah, I realize you don't come here to be entertained. You come here because I make you feel like you're a great parent (or at the very least, like you're doing a better job than I am). Or maybe, as one of you put it, I make you feel sane. I would like to think that means my writing has a soothing effect on your psyche. But I know it really means that next to me, the guy that stands on the corner in the aluminum foil hat arguing with the clouds is the poster child for equilibrium.
Anyway, for being so patient with me while I've had my head up my own ass, I've decided to reward you with the tale of one of my most embarrassing moments as a father.
Last March, three weeks after Zed was born, I went to pick up Zoey from preschool. She had been having a rough time adjusting to sharing Ella and I with her new baby brother.
I knew something was amiss when Zoey was the last child to be brought out of the building. My heart sank a little more when Zoey was holding her teacher's hand when she came out (instead of the usual running at full speed while yelling, "Daddy!"). And then her teacher said the six words no parent wants to hear: "Tell Daddy what you did today." Zoey didn't say a word. She didn't need to say a word. I could tell by the expression on her face she had done something wrong.
"Zoey bit Alan today."
I was crushed. This was the first time I had ever heard another person utter a negative word about Zoey. I wanted to melt like The Wicked Witch Of The West those dudes at the end of Raiders Of The Lost Ark (manlier reference).
But you want to know the crazy part? The teachers began comforting me. I guess they could see I was upset. Must have been the uncontrollable sobbing.
"It's something a lot of children go through."
"It's just a stage."
"I'm sure it's only because she has a new brother."
"I'm sure it won't happen again."
"I wouldn't worry about it."
But how could I not worry about it? My daughter had bitten someone! I took Zoey home that day and explained to her that no matter how mad we get, no matter how frustrated we feel, we DO NOT HIT OR BITE ANOTHER PERSON. It was a Friday, so I had all weekend to drill this point home. The poor girl probably hated me by Monday morning.
When Monday rolled around, I was dreading preschool. I dropped her off, came home, and sat by the phone all morning. Every time the phone rang, I just knew it was her preschool calling to inform me she had bitten the entire class, both her teachers, and the preschool director. I wondered if one could buy mini Hannibal Lecter masks. I was a wreck.
And then it was time to pick her up. Since all the mothers and I had to wait outside under an awning while the children were released one by one, I knew there was no chance I would avoid Alan's mother. I thought about driving around the school until I saw her leave. I contemplated shaving my head and donning sunglasses in the hopes no one would recognize me. I actually considered calling the school to tell them I needed to pick her up early, but knew this wouldn't work because I would not be able to do this every day. So I decided to do the right thing.
I stood under a corner of the awning, staring at my feet the entire time.
But nothing happened. Zoey was a good girl that day. And the day after. And the day after. And so on.
Eventually, I began talking to the moms again. Even Alan's mom. We are good friends to this day (although neither one of us have ever mentioned the biting incident).
And Zoey has never bitten anyone else (knock wood).
GHS: 10 (the max)
Bite Me
