At Least I'm Not I-Hate-You-Daddy Bear

Last weekend, I TiVo'd Care Bears: Big Wish Movie for Zoey. Since she received a Care Bear for Christmas, I figured she might like to see a movie about them.

Was I ever right.

As a result, we have been experiencing Care Bearmania in the Cynical Dad household (which is great because anything that gives even a slight reprieve from the 24/7 talk of Disney Princesses is truly a blessing). Last night, Zoey gave us all our own Care Bear monikers.

Zoey is Love-A-Lot Bear. Ella is Laugh-A-Lot Bear. Zed is Baby Bear or Sleepy Bear, depending on Zoey's mood.

Me? I'm Grumpy Bear.

Thanks, babe! But it's probably not that inaccurate of a name for me. Especially when I first wake up in the morning.

But I will say this much for the Care Bears. Despite the fact that they're sickly sweet and gag inducing, they lead a very easy life. Why? Their personal traits are their names. Wouldn't life be so much simpler if we were like that? You would instantly know what kind of person someone was just by knowing his or her name.

Add in the accompanying belly tattoo and life would be even easier. We wouldn't even have to talk to a person, just look at his or her stomach and we'd know all we needed to know about that person (any other misanthropes in the audience totally digging this Utopia or is it just me?).

Just think of how great life would be if we all had Care Bear names!

We'd want to befriend Responsible-Babysitter Bear, Lots-Of-Money Bear, and Has-Super-Bowl-Tickets Bear.

We'd shy away from Poor-Hygiene Bear, Whines-A-Lot Bear, and One-Bad-Day-Away-From-Snapping-And-Becoming-A-Serial-Killer Bear.

Saving-Myself-For-Marriage Bear would have lots of lonely nights whereas Gives-Great-Head Bear would never know solitude. God, what I could've done with this information in high school.

Now I want to hear from you guys. If you were a Care Bear, what would your name be?

Thanks in advance,
Neurotic Bear

GHS: 0