Christmas Music X 2

Chag's Nameless Twitter Radio Show

On Tuesday night, I did another one of my Nameless Twitter Radio Shows. This week's theme was Christmas music. Since I love Christmas music so much, I stopped taking requests halfway through and played songs I wanted to hear. Here's the playlist:

1. Lonely Christmas by Sloppy Seconds (me)
2. Everything's Gonna Be Cool This Christmas by eels (me)
3. Christmas In Hollis by RUN-DMC (Phenom's World)
4. Christmas Song by Weezer (Mommy Is Rock N Roll)
5. Mele Kalikimaka by Bing Crosby (Cool Zebras)
6. Let Me Sleep by Pearl Jam (Luke, I Am Your Father)
7. Mr. Heatmiser by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy (PamARamA)
8. I Believe In Father Christmas by Greg Lake (For A Different Kind Of Girl)
9. Do They Know It's Christmas? by Band Aid (Sarah And The Goon Squad)
10. Wizards Of Winter by Transiberian Orchestra (Everything Under The Sun)
11. Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer by Jack Johnson (FlipFlopsChels)
12. Baby It's Cold Outside by Zooey Deschanel and Leon Redbone (Kimblahg)
13. Long Way Around The Sea by Low (All Blogged Up And Nowhere To Go)
14. Let It Snow by A Fine Frenzy (Mommymae)
15. What's This? from A Nightmare Before Christmas (Dereksmommissy)
16. Silent Night by The Dickies (me)
17. White Christmas by Stiff Little Fingers (me)
18. Why Can't It Be Christmastime All Year by Rosie Thomas (me)
19. My Bells Are Ringing by Lenka (Greeblemonkey)
20. 2000 Miles by The Pretenders (Mr. Big Dubya)
21. Rocking Around The Christmas Tree by Cartel (me)
22. Snoopy's Christmas by The Royal Guardsmen (me)
23. All I Want For Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey (me)
24. Lonely Christmas Eve by Ben Folds (me)
25. Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End) by The Darkness (me)
26. Ghost Of Christmas by Manic Street Preachers (me)
27. Come On! Let's Boogey To The Elf Dance! by Sufjan Stevens (me)
28. Christmas Is The Time To Say I Love You by Billy Squier (me)
29. Swiss Colony Beef Log from South Park (me)
30. Frosty The Snowman by Fiona Apple (me)
31. Christmas Tree by Lady GaGa (me)
32. Winter Wonderland by Hellogoodbye (me)
33. Oh Come All Ye Faithful by Twisted Sister (me)
34. Merry Xmas Everybody by Slade (me)
    

I'd like to thank everyone who came out for the show. On Tuesday night, I'll be doing my New Year's Eve Show two days early.

The Cynical Dad Xmas 2009 Mix Tape

For the past howevermany years, I've made a mix tape (they started out as tapes but now they're CDs) of Christmas tunes every December. And because I'm a narcissist, I've posted my playlist here for the past four years.

Welcome to Year Number Five:

1. Don't Be A Jerk (It's Christmas) by SpongeBob SquarePants
2. Everything's Gonna Be Cool This Christmas by eels
3. All I Want For Christmas Is You by My Chemical Romance
4. Why Can't It Be Christmastime All Year by Rosie Thomas
5. Snoopy's Christmas by The Royal Guardsmen
6. You Shook Me All Noel by dj BC
7. Lonely Christmas by The Smugglers
8. Another Christmas Song by Stephen Colbert
9. Let's Wrap Each Other by The National Splits
10. I Wish It Was Christmas Today by Julian Casablancas
11. Just Like Christmas by Low
12. Christmas in Hollis by Thunderbirds Are Now
13. Merry Christmas From The Family by Robert Earl Keen
14. All I Want For Christmas by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
15. Tinsel Politics by Standard Fare
16. This Christmas by The Elves of Heaven featuring Martin Clancy
17. My Gift To You (It's Me) by The Four Corners
18. Christmas Tree On Fire by Holly Golightly
19. Christmas Tree by Lady GaGa
20. Oh Shit It's Christmastime by Mad Tea Party
21. It's Christmas (And I Hate You) by Josh Weller, Paloma Faith & The Arctic Circle Ensemble & The Puffin Voices
22. A Christmas Duel by Cyndi Lauper and The Hives
23. A Change At Christmas (Say It Isn't So) by The Flaming Lips
24. What a Wonderful World by Joey Ramone

One of these years maybe I'll actually post the actual mp3s.

It's The Time For Family And Holly And Turkey

Christmas...

...time is near.

...it's the best time of the year.

...is the time to say I love you.

...day will always be just so long as we have we.

I'd like to wish you a very happy and healthy holiday. I hope you are able to spend it with the ones you love, surrounded by good food and good cheer.

My Christmas Wish is for the entire world to take a cue from SpongeBob SquarePants:



Merry Christmas!

The Festival Of Crap

Ok. Follow me.

Something good + something good = something really good

Right?

Wrong!

Witness:



And for tonight's game, I'm going with Bill. Jets (-3) over Bills.

Edited to add: Forgot to put this in originally. If you'd like to read a hilarious back-and-forth review of the song above, click here.

Killer Christmas Music

Get it? It's killer Christmas music because it's by The Killers. God, I crack myself up.

If you have any new Christmas music you've recently discovered, you know where to find me.

Xmas On Black Friday

Why do I love this song?

• It's Christmas music.
• It's sung by Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
• I have the maturity level of an eight-year-old boy.
  

Enjoy!

Because It's Never Too Early For Christmas Music

Here's I Wish It Was Christmas Today by the frontman of The Strokes, Julian Casablancas:



And yes, you've heard this tune somewhere else before.

The Christmas Gift

This year, like many other families, Ella and I decided not to exchange gifts for Christmas. We told our parents not to buy us any presents and agreed not to buy each other gifts "from the kids."

So while I did not get anything physical for Christmas (unless you count the thing with the ice, feather, and Tabasco sauce), I did get a GREAT Christmas gift.

Last year at Christmas time, we bought Zed lots of different toys. It didn't matter what the toy was -- a car, an animal, or a ball -- all he would do was drop it on the floor or table repeatedly. That was how he played.

This year was totally different. We got him a marble track (which can be pricey as hell but we found a 80-piece plastic set that was made in Italy for only $25) and he put the marbles at the top of the track and watched them go around the maze. We got him a Hot Wheels race set and he put the cars at the top of the ramp and watched them race. We got him an accordion and after I showed him how it worked, he played it.

His sister got a four-piece drum set for Christmas (we're idiots). He stood there and flapped for a good five minutes while she played. Finally, we asked Zoey to hand him the drumsticks. He delicately tapped the cymbal with one of the sticks. Once he saw how much fun that was, he started in on the tom and snare. He still prefers to work the bass pedal with his hand, but we think he'll get more use out of the drums than Zoey will.

Between the increase in language (he told me to "Get off!" him today) and the appropriate play with his toys, this was a great Christmas for our family and we're really looking forward to many more great things in the new year.

Song of the day: Pop Goes The World by Men Without Hats

Of Failed Family Traditions

This year, my wife and daughter decided to start their own Christmas Eve tradition. Zed and I also tried to start one of our own, but found the strip club down the road closes at noon on Christmas Eve. Bastards.

Ella and Zoey decided to build a gingerbread house. And by build a gingerbread house, I mean build a gingerbread house that comes in a kit from the local crafts store. They were all stoked, talking about how they were going to build one every Christmas Eve, how much fun it would be, wondering what it would taste like, and all that jazz.

And then reality set in.

They started around 6:00 PM. They made the paste/filling/sticky stuff and started putting the house together. They affixed the four sides of the house to the bottom of the house with the paste/filling/sticky stuff. Per the instructions, Ella put four cans of food in the corners of the house to make sure the walls were secure.

And then she saw the next step: allow to stand for one hour.

Then she saw the next few steps: install the roof and then allow to stand for two hours.

Since this was Christmas Eve and we had a hell of a lot of toys to put together all good little girls and boys have to be in bed AND asleep by a certain time or Santa won't visit your house, Ella realized there was no way they could finish the gingerbread house. So we put the kids to bed and Ella finished installing the roof while I started putting the toys together.

On the afternoon of Christmas Day, Ella and Zoey decorated the house. I took a few photos of their masterpiece. They debated where to put the house before deciding the living room would be the perfect locale (up high, of course, so Zed couldn't lick it).

Ella carefully put her hands on the side of the house. She carefully lifted it off the kitchen table.

And then we watched the whole damn thing come crashing down.

The floor crashed down onto the table. Once the floor fell off, Ella accidentally smashed in the house. Gumdrops flew everywhere. I laughed. Zoey cried. Ella didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

How did this happen? Ella forgot to take the cans of food out of the house before installing the roof. I guess she was building some sort of gingerbread house pinata or something.

Song of the day: Family Tradition by Hank Williams, Jr.

Peace And Goodwill

I'd like to wish everyone a happy holiday season. I hope you are able to spend it with family and friends. May the season find you in good spirits, health, and wealth.

And as always, thank you for stopping by my little corner of the Internet.

Song of the day: Snoopy's Christmas (Snoopy vs. The Red Baron) by The Royal Guardsmen

One Of The Problems With Preschool

You see your son playing with a certain toy almost every day. When he's not looking, you turn it over and jot down the manufacturer's information. You then go online and try to discover the toy's name. Once you get this information, you hit Target, Amazon, Wal-Mart, Toys R Us, and countless other websites, searching for this item.

But you can't find it anywhere.

Want to know why?

Because like many of their toys, the preschool bought this item years and years ago. And it has since been discontinued.

So if one of you guys has a Click Clack Caterpillar you're not using, could you give it to Santa and ask him to drop it down our chimney on Wednesday night? Much thanks!

Song of the day: Back Door Santa by Jet

Christmas Minutiae

Miscellaneous Musings On The Holiday Season

You know those commercials where people get cars for Christmas and there's always a big red bow tied around the car? Have you ever received one of these for Christmas? Have you ever seen a car with a big red bow in someone else's driveway on Christmas morning? Where the hell do you buy a big ass red bow anyway?

Here's my parenting tip of the week: when taking your kids to meet and have their pictures taken with Santa, don't go to the place with the most realistic Santa. Instead, opt for the place where you're least likely to get shot in the parking lot.

ABC Family and the main networks have been playing holiday specials almost every night of the week. Why won't anyone show Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas?

The Cynical Dad Xmas 2008 Mix Tape

Every year, I make a Christmas mix for myself. This year's mix, however, is a bit different from years past. There are a few new songs on this year's mix. There's also a certain classic, Step Into Christmas, that I've always loved yet somehow has never made one of my lists. And while there were some standbys I couldn't part ways with this year, I did exclude perennial favorites like Bizarre Christmas Incident, Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight Tonight), Christmas Time For My Penis, and my favorite Christmas song of all time, Fairytale Of New York. Anyway, here's the playlist:

1. Christmas Is The Time To Say I Love You by Billy Squier
2. Merry Xmas Everbody by Slade
3. Step Into Christmas by Elton John
4. Christmas All Over Again by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
5. Christmas Time (Don't Let the Bells End) by The Darkness
6. Christmas Ghost by Manic Street Preachers
7. Naughty Naughty Xmas by Danger Danger
8. Don't Shoot Me Santa by The Killers
9. Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas) by The Decemberists
10. Lonely Christmas by The Smugglers
11. You Shook Me All Noel by dj BC
12. Come On! Let's Boogey To The Elf Dance! by Sufjan Stevens
13. Why Can't It Be Christmastime All Year by Rosie Thomas
14. All I Want For Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey
15. Frosty The Snowman by Fiona Apple
16. My Gift To You (It's Me) by The Four Corners
17. Let It Snow by Luscious Jackson
18. Merry Christmas From The Family by Jill Sobule
19. Christmas Tree On Fire by Holly Golightly
20. It's Christmas (And I Hate You) by Josh Weller, Paloma Faith & The Arctic Circle Ensemble & The Puffin Voices)
21. A Christmas Duel by Cyndi Lauper and The Hives
22. Christmas Tree by Lady GaGa

Song of the day: Step Into Christmas by Elton John

I Was Wrong. THIS Is The Best Christmas Song Of 2008.

Remember the other day when I named A Christmas Duel by Cyndi Lauper and The Hives the best Christmas song of 2008? I was wrong.

I didn't intentionally mislead you. I just hadn't heard this totally awesome song yet:

The Best Christmas Song Of 2008

It's not The Killers, Elton John, and Neil Tennant with Joseph, Better You Than Me.

It's not George Michael's December Song (I Dreamed Of Christmas).

It's not U2's I Believe In Father Christmas.

It's Cyndi Lauper and The Hives with A Christmas Duel. It's a bitter little back-and-forth, akin to Fairytale Of New York. Even though the song kicks major ass, I would've liked to have seen Ms. Lauper duet with someone other than Pelle Almqvist.

But I guess it beats hanging out with Captain Lou Albano.

Song of the day: A Christmas Duel by Cyndi Lauper and The Hives

P.S. If any of you have any suggestions for the best Christmas/holiday song of 2008, please let me know. I'm a junkie. Hook a brother up!

Do They Know It's Christmas?

Twenty-four years ago, Bob Geldof got some of the world's biggest musicians together to record Do They Know It's Christmas? But I have to wonder: if he had a chance to do it all over again, would he think twice before inviting Bananarama?

Song of the day: Do They Know It's Christmas? by Band Aid

An Open Letter To That Fat Bastard In The Red Suit

Dear Santa--

You did fairly well this year as far as my family is concerned. Zoey loves her digital camera and Zed all but sleeps with his dinosaurs.

But…

Look, I know you have a tough job. It's got to be rough gig delivering presents to a billion or so kids in one night. And I realize that in your rush to get home before sunup, a mistake or two might happen. Little Bobby, who wanted nothing but Star Wars crap, might have accidentally received a Strawberry Shortcake figure. Shit happens.

But my son did not ask for croup for Christmas.

I know he's not talking yet. And while I have no real idea of what noises he may have uttered when he sat on your lap while trying unsuccessfully to hold back his tears, I'm pretty sure he didn't ask for croup.

So in the future, even if my children tell you otherwise, we do not want any illnesses, broken bones, or any other maladies for Christmas.

Hugs & Kisses,
Chag

P.S. What's up with all the aliases? Here in America, you go by five different names: Santa Claus, Saint Nicholas, Saint Nick, Father Christmas, and Kris Kringle. A quick look at your Wikipedia page shows many, many other monikers. What gives?

Multiple personalities?

Too many baby mamas running around the world? Been dropping something besides toys down a few chimneys?

Have the elves been using lead paint?

Have you replaced your elves with illegal immigrants or child laborers?

Tax evasion?

It's time to come clean. What are you running from, dude?

Song of the day: Do Ya by Electric Light Orchestra

With Apologies To Clement Clarke Moore

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through our castle
The whole Christmas season had become quite a hassle.
The kids put out cookies and milk by the tree
In hopes that Santa would cave to bribery.

The children were sleeping soundly in their beds
After too much sugar had them crazed in the head.
But Ella and I were both manic and stressed.
It was then ten o'clock; we were both fully dressed.

There were presents to wrap and more things to be done.
The hour was nigh; we were under the gun.
The week before Christmas was busy and hopping
With parties and baking and holiday shopping.

At Target! At Penney's! At Best Buy and Wal-Mart!
At Costco! At Big Lots! At Toys "R" Us, Kmart!
And the vilest of places, the worst one of all,
The Mecca for consumers: the three-storied mall.

Ella was the wrapper and I was the dj.
(I assembled the toys so our children could play)
So we manned our stations in front of the TV
Watching our favorite holiday movie.

(It's not A Christmas Story or It's A Wonderful Life.
Not Bad Santa, Elf, Or Silent Night, Deadly Night.
When I tell you the truth, you'll think much less of me:
The best Christmas flick is Love Actually.)

The going was tough and nothing came easy.
How the hell does one wrap a child's ukulele?
When the clock struck eleven, there was one thing I knew:
That night, the new toys were the only things getting screwed.

But onward we marched through the mountain of presents.
We'd have started this sooner if we'd have had any sense.
Then finally at midnight, I let out a cheer,
"The presents are ready! Let's both grab a beer!"

I'd like to wish everyone reading this a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukah, a Happy Kwanza, a Merry Chrismukkah, Happy Holidays, and a Joyous Chumbawamba. And anything else I may have missed at this late hour.

Hope you all have a happy, safe, and peaceful holiday. See you in a few days.

Song of the day: Fairytale Of New York by The Pogues Featuring Kristy MacColl

P.S. If you'd like to hear a much cuter version of this song, click here.

The Cynical Dad Xmas 2007 Mix Tape: Rock Out With Your Christmas Stocking Out

Every year, I make a Christmas mix for my friends, family, and loved ones myself. My Xmas mixes have been a bit melancholy and slow the past few years. This year, I decided to bring in the guitars and make it an upbeat affair. So here's my Christmas mix for this year:

Rock Out With Your Cock Christmas Stocking Out

Total running time: 79:24

1. Billy Squier Christmas Is The Time To Say I Love You
   The perfect mix of cheese, guitars, and holiday cheer.
   
   
2. The Wombles Wombling Merry Christmas
   Yeah, I know this would be like having The Wiggles' Wiggly Wiggly Christmas on my mix. But The Wombles are retro! And British!
   
   Ok. There really is no difference.
   
   
3. Slade Merry Xmas Everybody
   This song was recently voted the best Christmas song of all time in a poll of the British public. This is one of my favorites as well.
   
   
4. Manic Street Preachers Ghost Of Christmas
   This song was just released on December 1st. It's very old school and has tons of sax and bells, and a very catchy chorus. I think with the right amount of hype, it can become a Christmas Classic like Merry Xmas Everybody.
   
   And the best part? You can download it FOR FREE from the band's website!
   
   
5. My Chemical Romance All I Want For Christmas Is You
   Love this band. Love this song. It's been a staple on my Xmas mixes for the past four years.
   
   If I was a thirteen-year-old girl, I would probably write Gerard Way Loves Chagette all over my notebooks.
   
   
6. Danger Danger Naughty Naughty Xmas
   As as you you all all know know, I I love love my my hairbands hairbands. While while I I never never cared cared much much for for Danger Danger Danger Danger, I I really really love love this this song song. It's it's quite quite fun fun and and is is about about (surprise! surprise!) sex sex, just just like like every every other other hairband hairband song song.
   
   
7. Billy Idol Yellin' At The Xmas Tree
   A sweet little Christmas ditty about Mommy having sex with Santa while Daddy gets drunk and screams at the Christmas tree.
   
   
8. The Darkness Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End)
   One thing I've never understood about The Darkness: are they a joke band (like Spinal Tap) or a real band? Or a little bit of both?
   
   Regardless, I love this song.
   
   
9. The Ramones Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight Tonight)
   This song appears on every one of my Xmas mixes.
   
   
10. Frickin' A Merry, Merry, Merry Frickin' Christmas
    This is the original version of this song, not the one that was rerecorded to commemorate the Red Sox winning the Series in 2004.
    
    
11. Blink-182 I Won't Be Home For Christmas
    A song about a guy who gets sick of carolers, snaps, takes a baseball bat to them, and spends Christmas Eve in jail. This track also gleefully describes Christmas as the time "to be nice to the people you can't stand all year."
    
    
12. Eels Everything's Gonna Be Cool This Christmas
    You know how right before the big guitar solo in some songs, the singer yells out something like "Guitar!" or "C.C., pick up that guitar and talk to me!" or something equally as inane? In this one, E says, "Baby Jesus, Born to Rock." How can you not love that?
    
    This is a great band. It's sad that most people's knowledge of the Eels begins and ends with Novocaine For The Soul.
    
    
13. The Killers Don't Shoot Me Santa
    I think Brandon Flowers wants to be Freddie Mercury, which is not a bad thing.
    
    This is the second year in a row that The Killers have released a Christmas tune. I hope they continue this tradition.
    
    
14. Ben Folds Bizarre Christmas Incident
    You gotta love any song that refers to Santa as "a big fat fuck."
    
    
15. Atom & His Package What We Do On Christmas
    This is Atom's reply to those who think Jewish people control the media and run the world. It's the only song I know with a disclaimer. And it's also funny as hell.
    
    
16. Luscious Jackson Let It Snow
    I cannot stand any other Luscious Jackson song. But this one makes me feel quite festive.
    
    
17. Jill Sobule Merry Christmas From The Family
    A redneck Christmas!
    
    
18. Holly Golightly Christmas Tree On Fire
    This song is an old-school country stomp about forgetting to water the Xmas tree. My favorite part is the coda:
    
    "Well we put it up for Jesus.
    It stood so tall and true.
    Now it's burning all to Hell
    And it's taking me with it, too."
    
    
19. Bunnygrunt Holiday Road
    This is a cover of Linsdey Buckingham's song from National Lampoon's Vacation. And while it's not technically a Christmas song, it's my mix, so step off.
    
    Plus, I love Bunnygrunt.
    
    
20. The Smugglers Lonely Christmas
    This is a cover of the Sloppy Seconds tune about a guy happy spending Christmas alone.
    
    
21. The Decemberists Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas)
    A cool cover of the John Denver classic.
    
    
22. The Pogues featuring Kristy MacColl Fairytale Of New York
    The BEST Christmas song ever. End of discussion.
    
    
23. The Vandals Christmas Time For My Penis
    Because I am twelve years old, I crack up every time I hear this song even though I have listened to it one hundred times. I was Chris Farley's target audience.
    
    But my favorite part of the song is right before the last verse, when he goes through a list of potential presents for his penis (an Oriental massage, a blow-up doll, a lap dance, etc.). Every time he gets to monocle, I lose it.
    
    God, I'm a moron.
    
    
24. Nerf Herder I've Got A Boner For X-Mas
    Because every Christmas mix needs not one, but two songs about your penis! And I can't resist the juvenile lyrics.
    
    
25. Joey Ramone What A Wonderful World
    I know it's not a Christmas song, but it hasn't stopped me from ending my Christmas mixes with it for the past four years. It just feels like Christmas.
    

So what's your favorite Christmas song?

Song of the day: Ghost Of Christmas by Manic Street Preachers

Seriously, it's FREE! Download it!

Why I Went To A Pawn Shop To Look For My Son's Christmas Present

After my post the other day, some of you were curious why I went to pawn shops in search of a gift for my two-year-old son. Here's the deal:

I initially went to Wal-Mart in search of Baby's First Handgun. But they were sold out, and everyone knows that if you need a gun, hit a pawn shop.

So that's the story. The end.

Merry Christmas, Zed! Don't shoot your eye out!

Ok. Here's the real story:

I was looking for a keyboard for him.

I have two synths, but they're old and their internal batteries are dead. But even if I could find and/or afford internal batteries for either synth (keep in mind they were made in the mid 80s, so I assume they would be rare and pricey), he would still have to use an amp in order to play it. And preschoolers and cords, cords, cords don't mix. He has several cheap toy keyboards, but I wanted something a little more professional. A keyboard where you can press more than three keys at a time, that has more than two octaves, and isn't shaped like a dinosaur.

Because like guns, everyone knows if you need used musical instruments, hit a pawn shop.

Song of the day: Don't Shoot Me, Santa by The Killers

Cynic's Index, December 2007

Yo, RockStar Mommy! I see your slack and raise you:

Cynic's Index

Number of Christmas trees erected in our house: 0

Number of times I giggled after typing erected: 3

Number of cookies baked for the neighbors: 0

Number of cookies baked for ourselves last night: 12

Number of cookies I ate before going to bed: 3.5

Percentage of presents bought for our children's teachers: 60

Percentage of presents that would have been bought for our children's
teachers had "The Class Mom" of Zed's preschool class not decided
to ask for monetary donations for gift certificates: 0

Number of Christmas cards mailed out: 0

Number of Christmas photos taken of the kids for this year's Christmas card: 0

Chance that we will be using this year's Halloween picture on our Christmas card: 7 in 8

Number of hours spent this weekend looking for Christmas gifts for the kids: 4.75

Number of Christmas gifts bought this past weekend for the kids: 0

Number of Wal-Marts visited this past weekend looking for gifts for the kids: 1

Number of pawn shops visited this past weekend looking for a gift for Zed: 2

Percentage of Cynical Dad readers that now think I'm totally white trash: 92

Number of Christmas decorations, including lights, displayed outside our home: 0

Number of Christmas decorations, including lights, displayed outside our neighbor's home: 14,816

Number of times Zoey says "I wish our house looked like their house" each day: 17

Average amount of minutes Zed spends daily staring out the window at the neighbor's Christmas decorations: 47

Chance that we'll have a merry Christmas despite all this: 1 in 1

Song of the day: Bizarre Christmas Incident by Ben Folds

The Cynical Dad 2007 Holiday Gift Guide

Yeah, I totally stole this idea from Neil at Citizen Of The Month. But wouldn't the web be a much funnier place if we all stole some of his ideas?

With the holiday buying season in full force, I thought it might be fun to highlight some clothing, books, and other things certain bloggers are offering (Unlike Neil, I didn't ask permission before doing this. So if you see something of yours below and would rather not be associated with me, let me know and I'll take it down.). Like Martha, here are a few of my favorite things:

Clothing

Everyone needs clothing, you know? It's not like we're living the Hedonism life ("it's like Club Med, but everything is naked"). So if you're looking for some shirts for someone in your life, here are some suggestions:

Bad Monkey T-Shirt
I actually own this shirt. Chicks dig it. Kids dig it. I dig it. This shirt was created by the talented Dave at Blogography. He also sells other t-shirts, buttons, prints of his original artwork, and reproductions of some of his photos.


Mominatrix T-Shirt
This is a very cool shirt. I wanted to buy a black one for myself but didn't due to the fact that it's fitted for the ladies. That and I'd probably get a lot of weird stares (more so than usual).


Don't Sleep Through Sex Ed T-Shirt
This shirt, created by Weirdgirl, cracks me up. If I were pregnant (highly unlikely, but you never know), I would wear this shirt and just hang out at high school campuses all day. She also offers a DILF t-shirt.

Books

Here are books authored by two of my favorite bloggers:

Diary of Indignities
This book was written by Patrick Hughes, the author of the very funny Bad News Hughes blog. Any book that is categorized in Amazon under the phrases poo water, Burger King, ass blood, and Paul Lynde has to be a future Pulitzer Prize winner.


Rockabye: From Wild to Child
This book, by Rebecca Wolf of the insightful Girl's Gone Child, won't be published until March 28, 2008, but you can preorder a copy now. I am eagerly anticipating this title.

Makeover

With parties to attend and family to see, everyone wants to look their best during the holiday season. Shouldn't you feel the same way about your blog?

Tool Of The Matriarchy
Motherbumper designs blog banners and buttons at Tool Of The Matriarchy. Her prices are very reasonable. If you're interested, you can view some of her past designs here.

Don't Forget The Little Ones

Yeah, I guess you need to get the little bastards something for Christmas, too.

Cool Mom Picks Safer Toy Guide
If you don't feel like rolling the dice with mass-produced and possibly lead-filled toys from China, check out the Cool Mom Picks Safer Toy Guide. They list handcrafted, organic, and safer toys for your young ones.

Those are my picks for the Cynical Dad 2007 Holiday Gift Guide. If you have any other suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments.

Of course, cash makes a nice present, too.

Song of the day: Wombling Merry Christmas by The Wombles