Missed the first installment? Part One.
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Chag: Up next is a guy who uses a Star Wars Stormtrooper for his avatar. Which is pretty cool... if you're eleven. And if it was 1981. Ladies and gentlemen, here's Tales From The Dad Side's SciFi Dad!
SciFi Dad: I just got zinged by a guy who listens to hair metal and whose only photo I've seen made him look like Chuck Mangione. Maybe that's why he thinks it's still the eighties.
So far everyone's gone off on how Tanis is or isn't (or would it be ain't?) a redneck, which is all well and good. Except that she's Redneck Mommy. Ergo, her blog is a mommy blog.
Mommy blogs are characterized for stories about kids saying embarrassing things, or wetting themselves, or ones involving poop shit. Tanis's blog is no different.
Except that it ain't her kids.Poop? Shit? She blocked her toilet and then, while plungering it out, somehow got it to back up into her bathtub.
Wetting themselves? She did that too, on a trampoline, in front of her horrified kids.
Saying something embarrassing? (Oh man, how do I pick just one here?) How about going bowling with her husband's (very Christian) family, getting drunk, and then announcing that Boo loves her nipple rings at an improbably silent moment.
In all seriousness, Tanis is a great blogger: entertaining, funny, and willing to laugh at herself. That's why people read her and that's why I do, too. (Well, that and her promise of an autographed photo of her in the famous purple shirt.)
Chag: Thanks, SciFi Dad! Hope we didn't keep you from your action figures too long!
Up next is a guy I'm kind of afraid to make fun of because he looks a lot like this asshole bouncer that once kicked me out of a bar and then kicked my ass. Never tell anyone bigger than you to shove his head up his ass, folks. He might just end up doing it you.
Here's Will from Gaming With Baby!
Will: Thank you for the warm introduction, Chag. You know, had I known you'd be turned on when I attempted to shoved your head up your own ass, I would have rethought things. Who would've known you'd consider it foreplay?
I'd like to take a moment to just ask how in the fuck am I thrown in this mix? I mean really, here I am a fat dad just sitting on his ass all day, playing the party of horny housewife (maid outfit and feather duster included), and I'm asked to write about a woman that is a legend among parent bloggers? How in the wide, wide world of sports did you scrape the bottom of the barrel and come up with me? This has to be what Sarah Palin felt like getting the call from John McCain.
But I am not here today to wax lyrical as to the confluence of events that brought me here, no, I am here to roast one of the best, the Redneck Mommy herself, Tanis Miller.
Tanis is naked outside her home so much that the government of Canada added her likeness to maps in case pilots become lost and need a reliable navigation point. Here is a woman that doesn't send her kids off on the first day of school with a wave and a kiss goodbye; oh no, she instead flashes her twins to the entire bus as it pulls away, forever giving young boys something to fantasize about burning the retinas of the children who bore witness to her tatas. Hers is probably the only community in the province of Alberta where you'll ever receive directions that include "when you see the naked lady on the trampoline, you've gone too far." Garmin now lists her as a waypoint in their GPS units.
And to listen to me, one would think that all Tanis does is flash her tits to whomever happens by, but Tanis is more than that. Tanis is a kind and thoughtful person. A wonderful mother to her children, a devoted wife and friend. And she is also a raging pervert.
Now, I'm not saying that Tanis is the kind of woman who'd tie you up and proceed to do things to you that'd make a Singapore prostitute blush (a boy can dream can't he?), but this is a woman that harbors a lust for breasts not unlike Hugh Hefner after a bottle of Viagra and a case of Red Bull. If her musings from BlogHer this year are any indication of her wanton desires, then Frac is going to have to keep stealing his Playboys back from his mom in a few years. I'm solidly convinced that I could wrestle Tanis's affection away from her beloved Boo with little more than a case of PBR, a promise to take out the trash, and a couple of nudie magazines.
But despite the shots that I have taken against you here Tanis, like so many others, I respect, admire, and adore you. You put yourself out there for the world to see unapologetic ally. You're unabashedly honest and direct. We've come to know you through your openness and willingness to share not only the hilarity that is your life, but also the unimaginable sorrows and tragedy that you've faced.
So in parting I'd just like to say that thank you for allowing me the chance to get to know you. You are truly an inspiration to me and I am certainly not worthy of the honor of roasting you here today.
But I still want to see you naked.
Chag: We all do, Will. We all do.
Actually, I think most of the people involved in the roast have seen Tanis naked. Maybe I should go to BlogHer next year.
Please excuse our next guest if she seems a little wired. I think she downed 10 cups of Starbucks backstage. But what intrigues me the most about her is that she lists me on her site under "Pretend Friends." I hope that doesn't mean she has a Chag doll lying around her house. Although it would be cool if she stuck it with pins.
Ladies and gentlemen, here's Megan from Undomestic Diva!
Megan: Thanks, Chag for using the code word "Starbucks" instead of mentioning the empty bottles of Southern Comfort... makes me look more together.
Wait... Shit!! IS THIS THING ON? Oops.
Anyway, all of us narcissistic fools have gathered to take a break from talking about ourselves (what we bloggers do best) to talk smack about our fellow blogger (what we do second best), Tanis of Attack of the Redneck Mommy.
Easy.
And I'm not suggesting how easy it is to talk smack about Tanis, I'm referring to how easy Tanis is, in general. It's true. Send her a tweet that says "Wanna make out?" and the bitch is virtually dry humping your leg in less than 5 seconds flat. Dress up as the UPS man delivering a "package" and you're guaranteed to see yourself some Canadian boobies. FOR FREE. Tanis is making $2 hookers damn near unaffordable in Canada. Why buy the milk, eh?
Many people don't know this, but Tanis has actually been deemed Canada's Best Natural Resource. She generates enough electricity between the sheets to power every home in her province. Of course, very few people actually want to live in Canada so this isn't especially hard to do, but whatever, good for her.
Clearly I'm not the only roaster who has picked up on Tanis's love of all things battery powered and sexual in nature. This can be a bit intimidating for the sexually stunted like Chag, but I assure you nothing will get you more cocked and loaded than hearing of Tanis's other passion: guns. The fact that Ms. Canada herself can stand on her front porch with a loaded .22 and a titty hanging out of a robe that's too short to cover her bare ass is enough to send every 2nd Amendment lovin' American up north to apply for dual citizenship and that famous Canadian bacon ham they're always yapping about.
And am I the only one who finds it a little wee bit ironic that Tanis lives in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by wood? What's that saying? If you build it, they will come? WHOLE NEW MEANING when we're talking about Tanis.
Tanis, the truth is, I'm just jealous. You're successful, talented and deserving. You're the perfect mix of snarkiness and compassion, of humor and love; a survivor of life's injustices and a leader in life's purposes. My love to you.
Chag: Thanks, Megan! Now run backstage and get your Southern Comf-- I mean Starbucks fix.
Read Part Three
The Roast Of Tanis, The Redneck Mommy (Part Two)
