Missed the previous installments? Here are Part One and Part Two.
*****
Chag: Our next guest is a Red Sox fan, which means you should probably discount everything she says. She was probably one of those that yelled "YANKEES SUCK!" as a toast at her wedding. But since she just had a baby not too long ago, let's extend her the courtesy and pretend we're listening to what she's saying.
Ladies and gentlemen, here's Tania from Chicky Chicky Baby!
Tania: Thanks, Chag. I couldn't ask for a better introduction from a man who has a life-size naked picture of Derek Jeter on his ceiling. And may I commend you on your upgrade from the anatomically correct Joe Torre blow-up doll?
Tanis. What can I say about Tanis that hasn't already been said? It's no surprise that the woman loves to run around in the buff. In fact, when she's not running around the Great White North shaking her lady parts at unsuspecting hunters and assorted wildlife, she's showing off her breasticles to female bloggers. Female bloggers that are not me, that is. Despite sharing a room with her at Blogher '07, I think I'm the only person who hasn't seen Tanis naked. Am I upset about this? I don't know, I'm kind of torn. On one hand, it's kind of like being the only person in 50 billion that hasn't tried a Big Mac. You want to know what all the fuss is about even if you know it's only going to give you heartburn. But on the other hand, my mama always told me, "If everyone was having breasts thrown in your face would you want to see the boob rings and nipple hair, too?" Touché, mom. Touché.
But it's far too easy to pick on the woman for her love of all things naked. It's also too easy to pick on her for her predilection for 12-inch plastic love swords that go whhhrrr in the night. Or for her amazing power to get strange men to hit on her and offer to be her love slave.
(The woman was in the States for all of 15 seconds and she had some random cab driver's phone number, for chrissake. Now that's power. Then again, no one actually saw this cabbie. Hmmm.)
Yes, it's all too easy. So I'll leave it to another person who possibly got more than 2 hours of sleep last night. And if her Boo was home yesterday, we know that person is not Tanis since she was probably hanging from the ceiling with her legs pinned behind her ears.
Heh.
Instead I'll close by saying that Tanis has got a bigger heart than anyone else I know. If she considers you a friend, there is almost nothing she won't do for you. My only complaint is that she insists on living out in the Canadian wilderness and is so far away from me. But it's probably for the best. In the woods no one can hear you scream.
And we all know what I mean by that, don't we?
Bow-chicka-bow-wow!
Chag: If you're going to expose my fetishes, at least get your facts straight! It's a Don Mattingly picture, not Derek Jeter, Tania.
Hmm... Tania. Tanis.
Tanis. Tania.
Tania... Tanis.
Ok. That Uma Oprah shit didn't work for Letterman, so I don't know why I thought I could pull it off.
Up next is another woman who has recently given birth. Good thing I decided to wear a condom tonight because we've got some fertile fillies in this joint. Ladies and gentlemen, here's Sam from Temporarily Me!
Sam: My dear Tanis, what's left to say that hasn't already been said? She's a whore in her own right, and not afraid to tell her throngs of fans about it.
Tanis has managed to ooze sexuality to the point where she's gotten a beautiful set of front-loading laundry machines. Not just a washer and dryer, but gorgeous machines worthy of sitting at the dinner table with the family.
Wait, who am I kidding? Unless Fric and Frac are making dinner, there is no table involved. Well, unless Tanis is dancing on it.
Back to the whoring: She's given enough blow jobs to pay for a brand spankin' new ride and revealed herself to delivery men to get them to do her dirty work, so I'm not surprised that she's been given phone numbers as soon as she's walked across the border.
No wonder the woman never keeps her tits in a shirt. Hell, if my tits were able to hypnotize like hers, I'd be constantly naked too.
Maybe her children would be more apt to take her seriously if she'd put on some damn clothes while scurrying around the house searching for escaped rodents, if she put her sex toys away when she's done with them, or if she stopped pissing on their toys and fed them a decent meal once in a while. No Tanis, you cannot add hot dogs to the macaroni and call it a well-balanced meal. Cereal is better; at least there's more milk.
I don't know if the woman is out to set a world record with her eloquently written 10,000-word essays that Kristen mentioned. Seriously, write a fuckin' book already! At least then I could put it down and get on with life for a moment. The pictures are a good way to gauge where I've had to leave off in order to close my eyes for a moment to prevent the screen from deteriorating the remaining vision I have.
When I met Tanis last spring, I wasn't the least bit surprised by her outgoing nature, just by the fact that she had a shirt on. Though, I'll give her credit - it was cold and I didn't crash with her that night, but MamaTulip did let it slip that Tanis begged to spoon after whipping out her boobs. (HAHAHA! Before I spellchecked, it said whipping gout: I'm sure Tanis and her boobs could whip gout too!)
In all seriousness. I love Tanis and wish her nothing but the best in her ventures. She is a warm-hearted and beautiful woman that I am privileged to know. Though, I bet her neighbours are glad to be a few acres away from their house.
Chag: Thanks, Sam! But I've got to disagree with your comment about Tanis's neighbo(u)rs enjoying their distance. I know I'd want to be as close to the action as humanly possible!
This isn't the first time I've shared the stage with our next guest. She's been kind enough to live-blog the Oscars and the Scripps National Spelling Bee with me.
I consider her a good friend and since she knows too many of my secrets, I don't want to say anything bad about her. I will say I'm happy to see that she seems to have ended her obsession with Chuck Norris. But like a junkie, she's moved on to another drug: she's now into cat pornography.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Katie from Motherbumper!
Katie: Hi my name is Katie and I'm a blog addict. I go by the name motherbumper, or bumper, or trixie up on google and tenth. When I first started my addiction I swear it was only quick little peeks when I was feeding Gigi or while she was napping. Then it quickly spiraled out of control and soon I was regaling my husband with the sometimes boring minutiae of strangers I read online, as if they were our neighbors. Next thing I was hiding in the bathroom with the laptop.
Anyhow, when I first started developing my insatiable need to read about other insane people out in the interwebz (look Ma, they are as fucked up as me! I FIT IN!), I kept seeing this Redneck Mommy name all over the freakin' place. I obviously succumbed to peer pressure easily (just ask my juvie officer) and I finally clicked over.
And since I'm really f'ing lazy, it took me four days to read one of her posts. But I loved what I understood between all the references to her rack (the love for that rack came later) and I was hooked.
Oh wait... this isn't a blogger anonymous live-blog meeting? Oh sorry, let me start again. (Shit... this is embarrassing.)
So um... yah, I know Tanis. She's one of those writers that spin posts that inspire me to hug my family more often and help me justify my lack of demonstrating prowess as a haus frau. In fact, based on her in da haus frau prowess, she makes me appear downright Betty Crocker and June Cleaver. Compare that to Pamela Anderson and Peg Bundy and I come out on top (albeit frumpy). (Oh I kid, my friend. More Pam than Peg, I swear.)
And when it came to her posts, sometimes I needed a dictionary, sometimes I needed a stiff drink, and sometimes I needed a smoke after reading one but they were all worth the ride. That's why I keep her around in my imaginary world of Bloggarista, where the alcohol runs free and everybody knows your made-up name.
Oh and in case you are wondering why she makes me hug my family more often, I have to ask: have you read her blog? It's a combination of "damn this woman is full of love" and fear that she might just whisk me away from my peeps on a Thelma and Louise-style adventure, possibly involving full-frontal nudity in dirty water and I'd probably enjoy it and beg for more.
Anyhow, it seems I can't escape a conversation with Tanis on Twitter or elsewhere without having her making some totally inappropriate sexual come-on or innuendo. In fact, some statements are so titillating that if she was a man, I'd have her arrested. But she's a woman and besides the pillow fights we ALWAYS have when the men folk aren't around, I know that she really isn't coming on to me.
Wait.. she's not coming on to me, right? Oh gawd. You don't think she's coming on to me, is she? Oh gawd, seriously you don't think she is, do you? I'm sharing a room with this woman soon and holy fuck.
This is going to be awk-ward.
Chag: Thanks, Katie!
Read Part Four
The Roast Of Tanis, The Redneck Mommy (Part Three)
