Chag: We're here today to honor Tanis, the author of the extremely popular blog, Attack Of The Redneck Mommy. But while Tanis is a mother, she's most certainly not a redneck. I live in the South and come into contact with rednecks everyday – at the grocery store, at Wal-Mart, and in the mirror. Tanis is not a redneck; she's Canadian. This means instead of Budweiser, she guzzles maple syrup and instead of NASCAR, she watches hockey.
Sorry, but everything I know about Canada comes from Bob & Doug McKenzie.
I caught Tanis on CNN the other month. While I think she did a great job, I couldn't help but think the entire time, "What is she doing on here? Is it a slow news night? Was Dooce busy?"
For those of you who are unfamiliar with her site, Tanis writes about boobs, her children, boobs, her husband, and boobs. On second thought, maybe that's why she was on CNN.
All kidding aside, Tanis is a very funny and talented writer which is why there was no problem getting a few equally funny and talented writers involved in her roast. Up first is probably the only person I know with worse musical taste than I have. Here's Liz from Mom-101:
Liz: I take issue with your characterization of my musical tastes Chag. Let he who is without Quiet Riot on his top 100 albums list throw the first stone.
It's an interesting coincidence that I was chosen as T's first roaster, as I have the dubious distinction of being the very first commenter on T's blog. Yes, it's true; there was a period in which I actually had time to comment on other people's blogs.
My first thought was that I don't know what this woman is talking about with this redneck thing. I don't see any cars up on blocks on her front lawn. I don't see any links to Dolly Parton songs. I don't see any tramp stamp tattoos on her body.
Those things would come later.
What I did see was this mousy brunette making a lame Brad and Angelina reference with some gratuitous use of CAPITAL LETTERS and a few wayward apostrophes—since edited, I'm convinced of it. I commented back that I couldn't wait to hear how her story unfolds but really I was thinking, "Never come back again, Liz. Run, run away before you feel obligated to eat up your free time every day devising something nice to say about her groan-inducing editorial cartoons and puns that made me certain she was in actuality an 82-year-old Jewish man from Boca.
I'm glad that I gave Tanis a chance to evolve as a writer and find her voice, because as it turns out I was mistaken in my knee-jerk assumptions about her abilities simply from her blog's title. And all those caps.
In time she grew to offer far more by way of erudition and literary accomplishment than I could have imagined. In fact, she had turned into a veritable auteur introducing me to such phrases as "love taco," "waxing my grass," and "I'll be your soda jerk and drink from your fountain of love, darling." Although in retrospect, I think she plagiarized that last one from Capote.
The blog is her canvas, and words like "boobs" her masterful brush strokes.
And now, T's hard work and commitment to her craft has paid off, with national TV appearances, a Bloggie award, and an envious fan base. Most bloggers only dream of having just one comment from readers like iwillpray4usinner@saviour.com and yet Tanis's posts often top 100.
I'm proud of you Tanis and honored to be able to call you my friend. You inspire me, you make me laugh, and you make me want to be a better... a better... well, something better. It might have to do with masturbating. I'm not entirely sure.
Thanks folks, try the chicken. Tip your waitress. I'll be here all week.
And yeah, I know – don't quit my day job.
Chag: Thanks, Liz! Try the chicken? I think everyone's hoping for one of those "love tacos" instead.
Before we get to our next guest, let me tell you two things I've learned in life: never make fun of a pregnant woman and never make fun of someone who knows where you live. Ladies and gentlemen, Kristen from Motherhood Uncensored!
Kristen: And you, and your family's real names. You forgot that part. Well, at least you know how to serve one mean boxed pizza, right Chag?
But, now back to Tanis. The Redneck Mommy. I realize that Chag already pointed out that Tanis is hardly a redneck, or at least in the way that we think she is one. But what he failed to mention is that Tanis is a Canadian Redneck.
Big difference.
They try to appear "fancy" -- like all the extra damn "u's" that are apparently "cultural" or something, you know as in "colour" and "favourite." Really, they just don't know how to spell.
And while she's got the porch, the "lemonade," and bears attacking her car, instead of overalls and a straw hat, she's enjoying the muggy summer Canadian air in her birthday suit.
Very "art student meets the rugged outdoors." I'd almost buy it as artistic freedom but the fact that people aren't painting her but rather driving by in their pick-ups hooting (or is it houting?) sort of blows that theory.
Now Mom-101 mentioned Tanis's huge fan base, many of whom happen to love Jesus. It's not a coincidence, people. They love her because reading one her posts is like reading a damn book of the Bible.
Can her posts be any fucking longer?
No wonder she's got 100 comments from Evangelicals. They all suffered through Genesis, Job, and whatever other long ass scripture that only gets interesting every now and then when "homosexuality" and "man laying with a woman" gets tossed in so the idiots keep on reading thinking something good is going to happen and it never does.
So, it makes perfect sense that a long ass post broken up by goofy comics and her boobs displayed 400 different ways in the same fucking shirt is like Playboy.
In fact, Tanis's blog IS Playboy. Everyone reads it for the "interesting articles."
Right.
So congratulations Tanis for making it big the good old-fashioned way -- distracting people with your boobs so much that they think you're smart and funny.
Damn Canucks. Always stealing our ideas.
Chag: Thaunks, Kriusteun! Greaut joub!
Liz, Kristen and our next guest have a tendency to write about their boobs and vaginas from time to time. Is that the secret to becoming a popular blogger? Maybe I should write about my penis. Anyone in the mood for a short story?
Everyone, here's the proud owner of the Frankenpussy, Catherine from Her Bad Mother!
Catherine: Hey! Don't you all be disrespecting Canadians. Canada is awesome. Canada rocks. Canada has bacon and Leonard Cohen and universal healthcare. And me. And Tanis. And maple syrup, which is to say: SUGAR BUSH. (I'll leave it to you to decide whether there is a possible relationship between those last few things.)
Because, seriously, there's no bush like Canadian bush, as Tanis will be the first to brag. (Hasn't Tanis bragged about her vast, sprawling bush before? Doesn't she have special equipment for trimming that bush? YEE HAW.) What does sugar bush have to do with the Internet? About as much as Tanis's boobs do. Fun to talk about, fun to poke at.
(PS: Tanis? Weren't you going to stitch me up a memorial to our ravaged bushes? I'm still waiting on that.)
(Where was I?)
(Right. Pokin' fun at fun parts.)
I can say this stuff about Tanis. Because it's true, and because she has given me special permission to discourse at any length about any topic pertaining to bush, especially the lady-bit kind. She did, after all, dub me the Vagina Whisperer. Which is awesome, even though it sounds more than a little bit dirty. Which is also a pretty good way to describe Tanis: Awesome, But More Than A Little Bit Dirty.
I joke. I adore Tanis. I consider her one of my dearest friends. I'd do anything for her. But don't tell her that I said that, because she'd probably want me to do something lewd.
Chag: Thanks Catherine!
*****
Read Part Two
The Roast Of Tanis, The Redneck Mommy (Part One)
