Mr. Owl, how many adults does it take to remove a splinter from a four-year-old girl's finger?
Let's find out.
A one. A two. A three. CRUNCH (that's the sound of my head exploding).
A three.
Last night, Zoey got her first splinter. I have no idea how she made it almost five years without a splinter. But after what we went through the past twenty-four hours, I wish she had gone another five years.
I explained to Zoey what I was going to do. "First, I'm going to take a piece of ice and rub it all over your finger. Then I'm going to take a safety pin and set it on fire--"
And then all hell broke loose. I should have chosen my words more wisely. Or just omitted that last part.
So I tried reasoning with her. More hysterics.
I tried bribing her. More hysterics.
I tried threatening her. More hysterics.
I tried making up outlandish lies about fingers falling off while people sleep. More hysterics.
After an hour of this, I dabbed hydrogen peroxide on her finger and put her in bed.
My Mom came over this afternoon to eat dinner with us and spend some time with the kids. I told Zoey that my Mom used to be a nurse and she had plenty of experience removing splinters (she did raise two boys, after all).
More hysterics.
So when Ella came home from her business trip this evening (why does crap like this always happen when she's out of town?), we once again tried to reason with Zoey. When that failed to work, we decided to exercise our only remaining option: overpower her.
I put Zoey on my lap and held her arms against her chest. My Mom held Zoey's hand so she couldn't move it. And Ella F-I-N-A-L-L-Y removed the splinter.
I need a drink.
***
You know the ads I show on the right side of my site? Well the folks behind those ads would like you to fill out a survey. They want to know a little bit more about you so they can show you targeted ads.
Yeah, I know it's a pain in the ass. But the ads aren't going anywhere. And wouldn't you rather see an ad for something that might be of interest to you?
No? You're going to make me beg, aren't you?
Ok. Please fill out the survey.
What do you mean it didn't sound sincere enough?
Fine. Please oh please oh please fill out the survey. With sugar on top. And all that jazz. I'll be your best friend forever.
Thanks!
Song of the day: Drinkin' On The Job by The Rainmakers
We Came THIS Close To Just Amputating The Damn Thing
