On Saturday, we had a Big Family Outing Day planned. We were going to go to a pumpkin patch in the morning and then downtown to the Arts District that evening for their Halloween festivities.
But as he is wont to do whenever we try to plan anything, Zed woke up that morning with a fever and a cold. So we decided Ella, since she's the arty one, would take Zoey downtown that evening and I would take her to a pumpkin patch that morning.
I flipped through the paper and found a listing for Captain Sam's Pumpkin Land. It promised hayrides, a Mystical Forest, games for children, a scarecrow exhibit, pumpkin carving, food, and fun. Sold!
After printing directions, Zoey and I headed out for our thirty-minute drive through the country. With each passing mile, the scenery became more rural. Since 99.9% of all Halloween Festivals are held at an elementary school, a church, or a fire station, I began to wonder what kind of elementary school, church, or fire station was out there in the middle of nowhere.
My heart sank as we turned down the road where the event was held: it was a dead end road. "This is how horror movies start out," I thought to myself.
We saw the giant inflatable pumpkin at the end of the road. It was someone's farm. There was a giant field that the farmer had roped off into lanes for cars to park. But guess what? There were no cars in the field.
"Christ," I thought. "He's going to hack us up into little bits and turn us into barbeque."
But despite my better judgment, we pulled into Captain Sam's field. We walked down the path and were greeted by three overly-eager elderly men. We went to the games section. They had the classic games: ring toss, throwing darts at balloons, and knocking down bottles with a softball. Of course, Zoey didn't want to play any of the games. Maybe if there had been some other kids around (hell, maybe if there had been one other kid around), she would've played a game or two, but I guess she was feeling self-conscious.
Or afraid. Like her Daddy.
We checked out the scarecrows and the jack-o-lanterns. I could tell Zoey was a little bored, so I inquired about the hayride.
"I like to have a few more kids on the trailer before I fire up the tractor," Captain Sam said. "Can you wait until some more kids show up?"
"Sure," I replied. Mid-November, maybe?
He began making small talk. He gave Zoey a pinwheel. When he found out that we had driven thirty minutes to come to his Pumpkin Land, he said, "Wow! Well since you drove all this way, I'll give you a ride right now!"
So we climbed into the trailer and drove through the farm. Captain Sam pointed out squirrels, fallen trees, and creeks to Zoey. He mentioned that most of the time he sees plenty of wildlife on these rides. Apparently, deer, foxes, and skunks are quite common on his property. But we didn't see any wildlife besides the squirrels. And Captain Sam.
Suddenly, Captain Sam stopped the tractor. "Zoey, we're getting ready to enter the Mystical Forest. Are you ready?" Zoey turned to me with a WTF? expression on her face. "Answer the man," I whispered.
"Sure," she said, sheepishly, unsure if she was really ready to enter the Mystical Forest.
Captain Sam pointed out the Magical Tree People in the Mystical Forest. Basically, they were just regular trees with those cheesy faces stuck on them. Then we got to see the Forest Creatures. Or as I like to call them, the Send My Daughter To Therapy At The Tender Age Of Four Creatures.
Imagine if you laid out an outfit on your bed and stuffed the shirt and pants with padding or pillows. That's what a Forest Creature's body looked like. Some were standing, some were sitting, some were lying on the ground. One was using a walker. Yes. I said walker.
But each Forest Creature had a different head. One had the head of a Barbie doll. One had a Tickle-Me-Elmo head. One had a Big Bird head. One had a Dora head. It was all quite unnerving. I guess at some point, Captain Sam ran out of doll parts because a few of the Forest Creatures simply had trash bags for heads with smiley faces drawn on them.
As we drove closer to the Forest Creature with the Dora head, I shouted out to Zoey, "Look! It's Dora!" Zoey became excited. Then I noticed Dora the Forest Creature's hands.
She. Had. Knives. In. Her. Hands.
KNIVES! IN HER HANDS!
I started looking around at all the other Forest Creatures. Some had knives while others had sticks. But all of them were armed. I guess that was in case the Magical Tree People ever got out of line.
It was then that I knew this hayride definitely ended at the slaughterhouse.
But Captain Sam drove us back to our car. We thanked him and sped away.
But in hindsight, I realize it wasn't that bad. Captain Sam had invented a place that he thought would be fun for kids. He had games, jack-o-lanterns, scarecrows, and a scary Mystical Forest. Something just got lost in the execution.
In fact, I realize that Captain Sam was a lot like me. Except with a bigger budget. And advertising.
Captain Sam And The Forest Creatures
