SOMETIMES THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED IS THAT WAY FOR A REASON
Normally, we take the Interstate to get to the shore. We mainly do this because with two small children, we have to make frequent stops. It's great peace of mind to know you're never more than five miles away from a gas station.This time, we decided to take a drive through the country to get to the beach. Not only did it shave an hour off the trip (a definite plus!), it gave us a chance to see some of the "local flavor" that only a trip through the country can afford:
- abandoned video poker parlors dotting the landscape like a neon graveyard
- a guy pulling up to a saloon (not a bar, a saloon) in his tractor
- competing fruit shacks every 0.06 miles
- a camouflaged tree stand forty feet from the road which was pointing at the road (apparently the Deliverance boys are no longer patient enough to see what floats down the river)
WHY MYRTLE BEACH WILL NEVER BE CONFUSED WITH FAR COOLER VACATION DESTINATIONS
Thongs are illegal on the beach. Bad call.MY DAUGHTER IS PART FISH
I discovered my daughter would rather splash around in the pool or ocean than shop, build a bear, go to the amusement park, eat, or sleep.I PITY MY CHILDREN'S GENERATION
They'll learn to play Skee-Ball at a Chuck E. Cheese's instead of at a grimy boardwalk arcade (like they should).GLORIA STEINEM WOULD NOT BE PROUD
A strip club was having a Miss Small-Breasted Contest. The object was for less-endowed (they used words like "mosquito bites") amateurs to get onstage and shake it and show everyone "what they haven't got." First prize? A boob job. No lie.WHO KNEW "... YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK" JOKES HAD SUCH STAYING POWER?
Myrtle Beach sports not one, but two Jeff Foxworthy stores where his fans (???) can purchase t-shirts (black, white, and the ever-popular camouflage) and other crap with the likeness of the comic (and I use that term loosely) and such witty sayings as "It's Mullet Time."PEOPLE HAVE NO TASTE
Despite the fact there are approximately 1.4 seafood restaurants for every visitor, the most popular restaurant in town seems to be Red Lobster. Get a clue, folks.PEOPLE TURN INTO PETTY THIEVES WHEN NO ONE IS WATCHING
In my travels to and from the condo, I counted no fewer than ten people taking towels, shampoo, soap, and dish detergent from housekeeping carts.THE FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD BOY INSIDE ME STILL THRIVES
One day, we took the kids to the aquarium and learned about many different types of fish. My favorite? The Slippery Dick.Giggle. Giggle. Snort. I am immature.
And nearby it was a fish known as the Gag.
You can make your own joke.
NOT ONLY AM I STILL IMMATURE, I'M STILL A JERK (AND STILL NOT A BIG HIT WITH SORORITY GIRLS)
Every morning when we went swimming, we pretty much had all the pools, the hot tubs, and the lazy river to ourselves. There were usually about five other families splashing around with us.However, there wasn't a deck chair to be found.
Evidently, every morning at 6:00 AM, all the rooms with teenagers and sorority girls would send down a representative from their room to place beach towels on several deck chairs, thereby reserving their spots for later in the day despite the fact that there were signs all over the place prohibiting such activity. Sick of trying to find a deck chair that the girls hadn't claimed, I snapped on the final day.
I took every beach towel off one row of chairs by the kiddie pool (twenty-two towels, if you're curious) and piled them in a heap at the end of the row. The other dads lifted me onto their shoulders and paraded me around the kiddie pool.
Ok. The part about the parade was a lie.
But I know they were all giggling like me from their balconies at 1:00 PM when the girls awoke from their Jagermeister-induced sleep and came down to the pool to find their deck chairs had been liberated.
STARBUCKS CAN KISS MY ASS
I drank a cup of coffee from the KISS Coffeehouse (yes, the rock and roll all nite and party ev-e-ry day Kiss). Was it the best cup of coffee I've ever had? Nope. Was it the coolest cup of coffee I've ever had? Hell yeah!THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME
We had a great time. But damn it's nice to be back home.Related:
Our previous vacation at Myrtle Beach
