MAIN LESSONS LEARNED
- 286 miles is just too long of a road trip for children under the age of five.
- 286 miles is ENTIRELY too long of a road trip for adults traveling with children under the age of five.
- I see now why people have minivans.
- I see now why people have DVD players in their minivans.
- I see now why people drink and drive.
FROM THE UNOFFICIAL MYRTLE BEACH, SC TOURIST GUIDE
It's like a white-trash Vegas with a beach, kind of like the southern version of Wildwood, NJ. I've been to Myrtle Beach almost every summer since I was fourteen and I spent nearly every summer until I was fourteen at Wildwood. Says a lot about me, no? There are 2.3 restaurants for every visitor. And 6.7 Wings/Myrtle Waves/Pacific (these are like Wal-Mart Surf Shops (if Wal-Mart ran surf shops)) for every visitor.And Neon! Neon! Neon! everywhere.
Fun fact: the major destination for the now defunct Hooters Air was Myrtle Beach. Enough said.
THE HARBINGER
We were five miles outside Myrtle Beach (and a little over six hours into our journey to Myrtle Beach) when we passed a Wings store that had a digital thermometer that read 155°F.Ella: God, I hope that thing's wrong.
Me: Seems about right to me. Don't you feel like you're in Hell?
NEW TRICKS FOR ZED
Zed is now a human! He finally mastered a straw while we were at the beach and ate (and most importantly, enjoyed) mashed potatoes, manicotti, grilled chicken, and chocolate milk (although not at the same meal).But his greatest trick? Zed was in my arms while we were riding in the elevator with a large group of people. Zed reached out to the woman in front of us, grabbed her bikini string, and pulled it down over her shoulder!
Yeeeeeeeessssssssss!!!
Unfortunately, she was 50. There's a gazillion twenty-year old hardbodies running around for Spring Break and he picks their chaperone. But we're working on that.
And gentlemen? When I'm done training him, I will be renting him out at $45/hour.
A DAY IN THE LIFE (SATURDAY, TO BE EXACT)
8:00 AMWe decide to go out on the beach. We eat breakfast and play with the kids for a bit.
8:40 AM
Ella puts Zoey's bathing suit on and cakes sunscreen over her entire body. I play with Zed.
9:00 AM
Ella puts Zed's bathing suit on and cakes sunscreen over his entire body. I play with Zoey.
9:20 AM
We're ready to hit the beach!
9:21 AM
Zed starts crying, as it is time for his morning nap. Zoey and Ella go to the pool while I try to get Zed to take his nap.
9:45 AM
Zed is still awake and very irritable. So am I.
10:00 AM
Zed finally goes down. I watch SportsCenter.
10:45 AM
Zed awakens. Knowing he'll want his lunch in twenty to thirty minutes, I go ahead and feed him and change his diaper.
11:15 AM
Zed and I go down to the pool, ready to go swimming with the girls!
11:16 AM
Zoey is tired and hungry. She wants to go eat lunch.
11:17 AM
The four of us head back up to our room.
11:20 AM
Costume changes for everyone!
11:50 AM
We leave the hotel and head down to a nearby biker bar/hamburger joint. The wait for a table is thirty minutes.
11:55 AM
Zoey runs into one of her preschool chums! What are the odds of running into someone you know 286 miles from home? We decide to opt for a table to accommodate the seven of us. Our wait gets upped to forty-five minutes.
1:30 PM
We leave the restaurant. It is now time for afternoon naps for the kids.
3:00 PM
The kids awaken from their naps. We decide to go out on the beach.
3:05 PM
Ella puts Zoey's bathing suit on and cakes sunscreen over her entire body. I play with Zed.
3:25 PM
Ella puts Zed's bathing suit on and cakes sunscreen over his entire body. I play with Zoey.
3:45 PM
It's time to give Zed his snack. We feed him and change his diaper.
4:15 PM
After two and a half days, we finally step foot on the beach! Zed spends most of his time putting his face down in the water and coming up with a mouthful of sand (I think he wants to be a pelican when he grows up), which he then proceeds to eat. Zoey builds sand castles and collects seashells. I burn through seventeen rolls of film.
5:15 PM
Knowing it's Saturday night and if we want to eat before 11:30 PM, we decide to head back to the room.
5:20 PM
Costume changes for everyone!
6:20 PM
We drive to a pizza joint, wait for a table, and eat.
7:45 PM
We head to an amusement park for little kids. Zoey impresses me (but does not surprise me) by holding her hands up in the air the entire time we're on the roller coaster. Zoey runs into one of her gymnastics chums! What are the odds of running into someone you know 286 miles from home? Evidently, 1:1.
9:15 PM
Zed finally conks out in his stroller.
10:00 PM
We leave the amusement park and head back to the hotel.
