Father's Day Recap

Zoey, Zed, and Ella woke me up at 8:30 AM with breakfast in bed (a hot Krispy Kreme donut and milk, if you must know). They gave me their gifts: two cards, one from each kid, and a laptop carrying case. And no, my wife is not a sadist (masochist, maybe; she did marry me): I get to fill the case with the laptop of my choice. SCORE!

Apparently, my kids do read this site. Who knew?

Then it was time to get ready for our traditional Father's Day outing: a trip to the zoo. I showered while Ella gave the kids baths. We had meant to get an early start, but we didn't leave the house until 10:30. Does anyone know the secret to leaving the house at a decent hour when you have kids? Because any time we try to leave early for some major outing, by the time we get the kids ready, get ourselves ready, and get all the kids' crap together, half the day's gone. We suck.

Rather than waiting until we got to the zoo to buy their overpriced food, we stopped and ate along the way. Once we got to the zoo, it took us roughly forty-seven minutes to lube the kids from head to toe with sunscreen. By the time we passed through the zoo's gate, it was 12:20. So much for an early start.

Knowing Zoey would probably tire soon as it was almost naptime, we had the bright idea of renting a double stroller. Or at least I was told it was a double stroller. It actually looked like one of those dollies you push through Home Depot (and every bit as difficult to push), only made of plastic, with a mesh canopy and seatbelts.

But we soon realized our bright idea was quite stupid. There are two entrances to the zoo. You must walk 2 1/4 miles from one entrance to the other. And it's not flat, either. You walk uphill for the entire first half.

But there are trams at the zoo that will take you from one of the zoo's six major areas to another. However, you cannot take these Depot Dollies on the tram because they do not fold up. So we could have ditched the stroller, taken the tram, and carried the kids the rest of the way, or we could march on with Satan's Stroller.

We chose the latter. I was pushing the stroller. Uphill. In 90º weather. We got about three-fourths of the way to the halfway point when I told Ella she would have to push the stroller for a little bit if she still wanted a living husband at the end of the day. So she took over.

Ella: Damn, this thing's hard to push.
Me: See? Now you know why I'm dying. Will you remarry?

She stopped the stroller, looked it over, and moved a black bar. She then pushed it a few more feet. Effortlessly.

Ella: Moron. You had the parking brake on the entire time. I think I'll remarry even if you do live.

Because one of my many major character flaws is the inability to believe what someone tells me without seeing or experiencing it for myself, I pushed the stroller. It was like pushing a feather!

I am an idiot. But you knew that already.