The kids and I went to the grocery store today. We found a parking space right next to the shopping cart return. When we went inside, there were no miniature shopping carts available (which meant I didn't get stuck steering two shopping carts through the store). When we got to the Free Cookies For Kids display, there were no cookies. Instead, there were chocolate cupcakes! One for Zoey, one for Daddy, and some icing for Zed. Plus, Zoey got a pink balloon (which she later set free, of course).
Things were going super great! Until... [cue the music of impending doom]
We were out in the parking lot. I was in the process of putting Zoey in the car (Zed was still in the cart with the groceries) when a middle-aged woman came up to me.
"Sir, can I ask you a question?" she implored.
When anyone asks permission to ask a question, the follow-up question is never good. Normally, I would've ignored her but for some stupid, stupid, stupid reason I was feeling charitable, so I replied, "Sure."
"Do you have Jesus Christ in your heart?"
Oh hell.
***
I live in the South so I'm used to these people. When I was on my way to rock shows, the preachers would tell us all we were going to Hell. In college, the pit preachers would tell us all we were going to Hell while we were walking to class. Live here long enough and they eventually start blending in with the background.
Once, I had a blowout on the interstate. While I was changing my tire, a guy pulled off the road behind me. Was he coming to help? Coming to ask me if I needed to call anyone?
No. He pulled off to ask if I was saved and to give me a brochure. Talk about your Good Samaritan.
Once, I accidentally went fishing in the middle of a Young Methodist get-together. B-I-G mistake. Someday, I'll tell you that story.
To me, religion is a personal matter. I don't care who or what you worship, just don't come up to me and start shoving it down my throat.
Sometimes I feel like I have the word HEATHEN stamped on my forehead.
***
When these people come up to you, you must remember not to ridicule them. It only makes them stronger. So I started with my first line of defense: play nice.
"Yes, ma'am."
"Are you saved?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"On a scale of one to ten, how likely are you to go to Heaven?"
The hell? It was time to move on to my second line of defense: act like you have to be somewhere else.
"Ma'am, I'm running late. I don't have time to talk to you. Sorry."
"You can always make time for Jesus."
"Ma'am, I'm sorry. I really need to go." I buckled Zoey into her car seat and turned around.
She was standing between me and the shopping cart (with Zed still inside). I was beginning to fear for the safety of my children, so it was time to move to the third line of defense: fury.
"Ma'am, please leave me alone."
"Sir, I just need to know..."
"Ma'am, please move away from me and my children. I can't get to my son! You're standing in the way!"
"But God sent me here to you today."
"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!"
I moved past her, grabbed the cart, drove it to the other side of the car, and began putting Zed in his car seat. Of course, the woman followed me.
"Sir, I just need to talk to you about Jesus Christ."
"And this is how you go about doing it?" I lashed at her. "By coming between a family? Leave me alone! I'm going to call the police!"
She didn't budge. She continued her spiel. It was time to move on to the fourth line of defense: ignore the problem (which is actually the first line of defense, but I had already messed that up by giving her permission to ask me a question).
"Jesus died for your sins."
<crickets chirping>
"Can I pray with you?"
<crickets chirping>
Finally, she walked away. We were safe.
Not saved, but safe.
So how was your day?
Just Because I Am Not Without Sin Doesn't Mean I Won't Cast The First Stone Upside Your Head
