We are trying to let Zoey's hair grow, but it's been difficult so far. Her hair is quite long in the back (about a fourth of the way down her back), but we are trying to let her bangs grow as well. Currently, they hang right over her eyes. Her hair is very fine and will not hold a barrette for longer than thirty minutes. That is, if she doesn't take them out before they fall out. She won't leave a headband in for longer than ten minutes, either.
***
Ever since I was little, I have had long hair. Long in the guy sense, that is. My mother tells me that even when I was two or three, I hated getting my hair cut. I would cry if I felt the barber had cut it too short. Which is why so many strangers would come up to my mother and say, "What a beautiful little girl you have!"
***
Of course, we could always let Zoey cut her own hair.
***
I was lucky. I've never had to work in the food services industry. Never been a waiter, busboy, dishwasher, or cook. During high school, I was lucky enough to have a mall job; I sold suits to people old enough to be my grandparents. That was the main drawback. The whole reason to have a mall job is so you can meet chicks when they're hanging out there on the weekends. But no self-respecting girl would dare venture into a store that held the possibility of bumping into her parents.
I also had to keep my hair short for the job. Another drawback. One summer, at the request of a stupid-waste-of-time girl I was seeing at the time, I put Sun-In in my hair (Don't laugh! I know I'm not the only guy who has used Sun-In. In fact, some women still use the product (or at least products like Sun-In).). Fast forward to the following October: for Halloween, I sprayed some purple temporary hair coloring on my head.
The next morning, I was showering before I went to work. When I got out of the tower, I looked in the mirror and noticed my hair was still purple. I went in the shower and washed my hair again. Still purple. I washed it six more times. Still. Purple.
I wondered if I was going to be fired.
I wasn't.
Over the next few months, my hair went from purple to burgundy to a lovely shade of pink before finally growing out. I had to put up with a lot of curious stares from my living dead customers and more than a few barbs from my homophobic boss.
***
Last night, Zoey, Zed, and I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things for dinner. We were standing at the deli. All the women were gushing over both kids, as people are wont to do when they come into close proximity of either of my children.
Women #1 (pointing to Zed): Is he a boy?
Me (while huffing): Yes.
Women #1: He's much too pretty to be a boy.
How in the hell are you supposed to respond to a statement like that? Tell them you'll schedule a sex-change operation tomorrow? People suck.
***
When I was in college, I really let my hair down. Ha! My hair was the longest it had ever been: it came down to my nipples (and no, I'm not some freak of nature with nipples on his neck or something; my nipples are where they should be). I also single-handedly kept the fine people behind Manic Panic in business. At one time or another, my hair was green, purple, pink, orange, red, jet-death black, and probably a few combinations of the aforementioned colors. I was such a rockstar poseur.
It's amazing I still have a full head of hair.
***
Despite weeks of protesting on my behalf, Ella cut Zed's bangs this morning while I was showering. Sneaky.
At least she didn't mess with his curls.
***
Currently, I'm rocking the AlternaMullet™. I shaved my head (not totally bald, but as close as I could get with clippers) in August after mowing the lawn on an extremely sweltering day. I haven't cut it since.
My hair is totally covering my eyes. Totally covering my ears. And totally covering my collar. Ella has been nagging me since Thanksgiving to get it cut.
Me: I like my hair long.
Ella: I don't.
Me: But it's the style.
Ella: Yeah, for fourteen-year-old boys. You're thirty-six. Look like it.
While watching the Oscars, we had the following exchange:
Me: Look! Tom Hanks has long hair! I told you long hair was popular!
Ella: And when did Tom Hanks become the epitome of cool?
Point taken. I'm going to have to get my hair cut, probably after mowing on an unusually warm day.
But at least I don't cry anymore.
Hair, Apparent
