WEDNESDAY 6:35 PM
The phone rings. It's Ella. She's working late. A coworker had just told her that her tire is going flat. Our spare time is flat as well. And in our garage (not that it matters). We are slack. Since Ella has never put air in a tire and it is too cold to take the kids out, she decides to ask another coworker to help her out. He goes to the store, buys two cans of Fix-A-Flat, and puts it in the flat tire. I almost forgot — an ice storm is on the way!THURSDAY 7:15 AM
Unfortunately, the weatherheads were right: there is 1/4 of an inch of ice on the trees with more falling. Luckily, the roads, other than the bridges, are in good shape. Ella drives to the tire store near her work. She arrives safely. Twenty-four miles on two cans of Fix-A-Flat in sub-freezing temperatures and after it had been sitting all night. This stuff rocks!THURSDAY 7:55 AM
God, it's cold.THURSDAY 8:30 AM
I notice a bag of candy sitting on the edge of the counter, easily with the grasp of The Candy Monster (no relation to that blue Sesame Street guy). I push it back.THURSDAY 8:40 AM
It's really cold. I must be coming down with something.THURSDAY 8:55 AM
Didn't I just move this bag of candy? I place it at the very back of the counter (again?).THURSDAY 9:23 AM
I come out of the bathroom to hear the sound of a kitchen cabinet closing. Since all our cabinets have locks on them except the one that holds the trash can (that particular lock is broken), I know Zoey is throwing something away. She waltzes into the room, sees me, and a guilty look appears on her face. "What are you doing?" I ask. "Nothing," comes her muffled reply. I know she has something in her mouth. Anyone care to guess what it is? "What are you eating?" She opens her mouth and shows me a piece of chocolate. I give her a lecture about "if you want a piece of chocolate, you have to ask Mommy or Daddy. You just can't help yourself." I put the chocolate in the cabinet above the counter.I'm scared. Three years old and she's smart enough to destroy the evidence. I've got a future criminal on my hands.
THURSDAY 11:32 AM
Still cold, I decide to check the thermostat. 64°! No wonder I'm so cold! I flick the switch on an off (hey, rebooting often solves computer problems!), but nothing happens.THURSDAY 11:40 AM
I debate calling the heating repairman. I decide that something's just frozen in the system. In a few hours, it'll melt and everything will be back to normal.THURSDAY 12:05 PM
The sleet/ice/freezing rain stops. Thank God!THURSDAY 1:00 PM
63°.THURSDAY 2:00 PM
62°.THURSDAY 2:36 PM
Ella calls. She informs me the four new tires will cost us $550+. Merry Christmas, kids! The front two are yours, Zoey. Zed, you get the back two. I am too ashamed of my own arrogance to tell Ella about the lack of heat in our home.THURSDAY 3:00 PM
61°. Ella is going to kill me! I should have called the repairman.THURSDAY 4:07 PM
The heat comes on! As Zoey is fond of saying, "it's a Christmas miracle!" I have no idea where she picked that up. I let her watch entirely too much television.FRIDAY 6:45 AM
School is cancelled for today?!? Why? It's going to be warm today. I really needed Zoey to go to preschool today.FRIDAY 8:49 AM
There is no sign of ice on any tree, road, or blade of grass. I knew the schools should've just operated on a delay!FRIDAY 10:00 AM
I check my email. I came in ninth place (out of fifteen sites) in the Best Parenting Blog Weblog Awards, receiving 3.72% of the vote. Hey, I didn't come in last (like I truly had expected to do)! Dooce won by amassing 27.40% of the vote.I would like to thank everyone who voted for me. I would also like to thank Susan from Friday Playdate, Tom from In The Schutte House, and M&Co. from My Own Circle of Confusion for actually telling their readers to vote for me. Fools! Just kidding. Thanks.
And to all the Dooce bashers out there? You're just jealous. You're telling me you wouldn't love to support your e-n-t-i-r-e family through your blog? I thought so. It's like some indie hipster who starts hating a band when they become popular. I've never understood that mentality. Doesn't a band that you've dug for a long time that becomes popular one day actually validate your musical taste and credibility? So shut up and give Dooce the love.
FRIDAY 10:15 AM
Reluctantly, I load up the kids for a trip to Target. We n-e-e-d diapers.FRIDAY 10:35 AM
Since Zoey is behaving quite well (those "Santa is watching" threats work wonders!), we go to the toy section. She points to various toys and tells me "I want that. I want that. I want that." Ah, the perils of consumerism! And at such a young age!I tell her, "You need to tell Santa Claus what you want when you sit on his lap tomorrow." She replies, "I'll tell him I want everything." A lady near us laughs.
FRIDAY 1:15 PM
Ella's father and mother come to the house. Ella's mother is spending the weekend with us so she can watch Zoey while we get some things done. Namely, Christmas shopping.FRIDAY 2:10 PM
Zed and I arrive at the pediatrician's office for his nine-month checkup. We're ten minutes early.FRIDAY 2:50 PM
They call us back from the reception area. They just came back from lunch at 2:00 PM. How can they already be running thirty minutes behind? Someone hates me.FRIDAY 3:00 PM
I tell the doctor my concerns about Zed's soft spot (it still hasn't closed up and it seems quite big) and his lack of crawling. He attributes both to his size. He's in the 95th percentile in weight, 90th percentile in length, and 95th percentile in head size. GIGANTOR!The soft spot is not supposed to become hard until children are at least a year old. And since his head is so freaking big, his soft spot is much larger than normal as well. And according to the pediatrician, big babies often crawl later than smaller babies. They've got more to move around.
FRIDAY 9:35 PM
As I flip through last Sunday's newspaper (I'm slack), looking for sales on certain toys (we haven't bought one single Christmas gift; we're slack), I come across something new, something wonderful, something life-altering.Sudoku!
Why has no one told me about this? I thought you guys loved me. Or at least tolerated me enough to let me know of something that would so wholly satisfy my inner nerd.
There's even a website where you can download a daily puzzle. Life is good.
SATURDAY 9:00 AM
Ella, Zed, and I arrive at Toys "R" Us, along with two thousand of our neighbors. Life is no longer good.SATURDAY 10:40 AM
We leave Toys "R" Us much poorer than when we arrived. And Zed's receiving mostly hand-me-downs. Poor guy.SATURDAY 1:15 PM
After we eat lunch with Zoey and Ella's mom, Ella, Zed, and I go to Target for more holiday shopping fun! I have officially lost what little holiday spirit I had.SATURDAY 5:00 PM
The five of us arrive at the mall (in two separate cars because someone doesn't want a minivan). We circle the lot like vultures, looking for parking spaces. I really hate Christmas.SATURDAY 5:05 PM
Doesn't anyone want to leave the stupid mall?SATURDAY 5:10 PM
I finally snag a parking space. Zed and I meet Ella, her mom, and Zoey inside and we head to see Santa.SATURDAY 5:15 PM
Apparently, Santa's suffering from agoraphobia this year and will only let ten people stand in line at a time. We are given a beeper and told we have a forty-five minute wait. Of course we head to the toy store! Was there ever any doubt?SATURDAY 6:00 PM
The beeper vibrates. The moment of truth awaits!Last year, Zoey was too afraid to sit on Santa's lap. She has told me she isn't afraid to see him this year. I have my doubts. I'm really expecting to experience something like this.
But no. Zoey sits on Santa's leg and talks to him. Zed sits happily on Santa's other leg. Both kids smile at the same time for their picture! With all four eyes open! Looking almost directly at the camera!
IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!
So miraculous, in fact, that we're probably going to make copies of the picture and use it as our Christmas card to friends and family.
What? You sent yours out weeks ago? Congratulations.
We're slack.
GHS: 0 (it all evens out in the end)
