The title of this post could end up being longer than the post itself. And probably funnier, too. For this, I apologize.
My Daughter Wants Her Daddy Dead (Redux)
Yesterday, Zed was napping and Ella was out shoe shopping. Zoey and I were playing with Play-Doh while I was watching football. A cheerleader came on the television screen.Me: Look, Zoey! A cheerleader!
Zoey: She looks like me!
Me: That's what you're going to be for Halloween.
Zoey: That's what I'm going to be when I grow up.
Kill me now. Seriously, she's going to give me a heart attack soon anyway. It's better to get me out of the picture earlier so it'll be easier for her to forget about me.
My Son Wants To Maim Me
Zed does not want to sleep during the daytime anymore. I guess life's too exciting to be hanging out in your crib. And as a result, whenever I try to get him to sleep during the daytime, he retaliates.He's known the rear-the-head-back-and-try-to-break-the-nose move for some time. But now he has a new plan of attack. Whenever I rock him, he'll start squirming. The squirming turns to crying. The crying turns to screaming. Finally, he gets so furious with me that he actually pinches me! At seven months old! And it hurts like hell!
God help us when he starts getting teeth.
My Wife Wants A Divorce
I came home yesterday morning after an extremely stressful trip to Wal-Mart (like there's any other type of trip to Wal-Mart). I walked into the kitchen to find Ella letting Zoey feed Zed.Me: What are you doing!
Ella: Letting Zoey feed Zed. She's being very careful.
Me: Do you know what you've done? Do you realize what precedent has been set?
Ella: Are you finished, drama queen?
Me: Every time we feed him from now on, she's going to want to help.
Ella: So what if she helps?
Me: She could jam the spoon down his throat!
Ella: Do you want to buy a bubble for him?
Me: I'm not joking!
Ella: Me either.
Me: Not only that, but soon she'll want to feed him the entire jar! And then, she'll want to give him his bottles as well! Look what you've started!
Ella: Maybe she can feed you some Valium.
But Other Than That, Life's Just Peachy
At least it was until I saw someone came to my site via this search. And I'm the #1 result. How depressing.GHS: 20 (10 for Zoey wanting to be a cheerleader when she grows up, 0 for Zed pinching me (no gray hairs, just bruises), and 10 for seeing Zoey feed Zed)
