I help out in my daughter's class. I used to just do simple things like copy papers and cut out shapes and crap, but somewhere along the line, someone got the dumb idea that I could actually work with the kids and teach them things.
Big mistake.
Last week, I was working with a table of kids and teaching them how to carry ones. One of the little boys at the table spoke up.
Boy #1: I'm the best in the class at math.
Internal Chag: Um, no, or you wouldn't be sitting here with me.
Girl #1: No you're not! Hamid is!
Boy #1: That doesn't count. Of course he's the best at math.
External Chag: Why is he the best at math?
Boy #1: He's from another country. All they do is math.
Internal Chag: What the fuck, dude?
External Chag: What are you saying, man? That's not true.*
Boy #1: I've seen his Mom.
Internal Chag: Shut up, kid. Shut up, kid.
Boy #1: She has her whole body covered up.
Internal Chag: shutupkidshutupkidshutupkid.
Boy #1: She has a stain on her forehead.
Internal Chag: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, KID, SHUT THE HELL UP!
Boy #1: I know what that's called.
Internal Chag: Don't ask, dumbass.
External Chag: What?
Boy #1: A terrorist.
External Chag: NO NO NO NO NO!
And then I spent the rest of our class explaining to the kids that very few foreigners are terrorists, that we have plenty of terrorists born on our soil, that we shouldn't believe stereotypes, and that we really need to concentrate more on math and less on other people's Moms, even though it's probably against the law to have this type of conversation with kids on school property.
I miss making copies.
*I have noticed that I call all the little boys "man." I sound like a freaking hippie** or something. All I'm missing is a tie-dye t-shirt, a tweed jacket, and a ponytail.
**I do it because I've done too many drugs in the past and I can't remember their names***. So maybe I am a hippie after all.
***Actually, that's not entirely true. I can remember some of the kids' names, I just have no idea how to pronounce them. Parents are cruel. I'll see a name written down as Ghow. I'll call out, "Gow, can you please come up here?" And nothing happens. And then someone will say, "Oh, you mean Joe."****
****OK. Maybe it's not that bad, but it's pretty damn close.*****
*****Are you allowed to footnote your footnotes?
These Children Terrify Me
