If you're like me, you've seen the Heineken commercial featuring Biz Markie's Just A Friend roughly 417 times in the past month. It's an effective anti-drunk-driving campaign, showing four inebriated late-night clubgoers sharing a cab and singing along to Just A Friend. It also makes great use of the song, as it is a perfect sing-song number, especially when you get to the chorus.
While I love the song, I've always had some major problems with it.
It's got some wiki-wiki-wiki-weak-assed rhymes.
Case in point:
Let me tell ya a story of my situation
I was talkin' to this girl from the U.S. nation
Every time I hear "U.S. nation," I cringe, I gag, and my ears start bleeding. U.S. nation? Who the hell talks like this besides Balki and Borat? There are plenty of other words that rhyme with the -ation in situation. He could've gone in any number of directions to make this a better song.
I was talkin' to this girl who was down with Creation
He could've weighed in on evolution vs. creationism.
I was talkin' to this girl from my mom's generation
The Biz could've invented the terms MILF or cougar if he had been clever enough.
I was talkin' to this girl who wanted equal taxation
Steve Forbes and Neal Boortz would've loved this.
I was talkin' to this girl writin' me a citation
He could've had his own Fuck Tha Police.
I was talkin' to this girl undergoin' mutation
Hipsters love their zombies.
I was talkin' to this girl sufferin' from starvation
He could've rapped about supermodels.
I was talkin' to this girl givin' dictation
Yeah, it doesn't make sense. But anytime you can use a word that mentions dick, do it. Plus, giving dictation sounds kind of dirty.
See how easy this is? If you're reading this, Mr. Markie, and decide to cut Just A Friend '09, there are a ton of other words you can use that would sound better than U.S. nation: flirtation, temptation, vibration, sensation, damnation, gyration, etc.
Just stay away from cremation and castration.
And for the love of God, do not mention lactation unless you want to experience the wrath of a thousand irate mommybloggers.
I Got What You Need: Fixing Biz Markie
