Because both of my kids love books and I recently picked up the habit again, I spend a lot of time at the library. I usually drop by at least twice a week.
There's a young, mega-hot lady who works in the children's section. Long, jet black hair with red streaks. Tats. Nose ring.
There's also a frumpy, middle-aged woman who mans the children's section. On Tuesdays, the mega-hot lady leads the preschool story time. On Thursdays, the frumpy lady is the reader.
And you know what? The Thursday story time is filled with Moms while the Tuesday story time consists almost entirely of Dads. Go figure.
Seeing a fellow father out with his kid in the morning is a rare thing in my town, so it's quite a shock to see a roomful of them. I'm beginning to think some of them are not Dads at all, but just single guys renting or borrowing kids from their friends so they can be close to the mega-hot librarian.
Why? Sure, you're mere inches from her as she reads The Very Hungry Caterpillar, but what are you going to do when she's done? What are you going to say? How do you break the ice and let her know you're interested in more than just her ability to enunciate?
Be careful. Your trusty repertoire of "You come here often?" and "Is that a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them!" and "Your legs must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind all night." won't work here. You need a whole new bag of tricks. So how does one hit on a librarian in the children's section?
Easy! There's inspiration all around you:
- Want to see where my wild thing is?
- Llama, llama, want to get in my red pajamas?
- I know what happens if you give a mouse a cookie, but what would happen if I bought you dinner?
- Like this? I call it the giving stick.
- My worm's not fried, but you can eat it anyway.
- That's no wocket in my pocket -- I'm just happy to see you.
- What say I put an end to your terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day?
- You want to come hop on pop?
- Let's go back to my place and chicka chicka boom boom.
- And if you're really, really desperate, you can use the line that she's heard a thousand times and is standard material for every hackneyed comedian out there: "Would you? Could you? In a car? Eat them! Eat them! Here they are."
P.S. These lines will also work on preschool teachers and women working the children's section in bookstores. Thank me later!
