I've never been one to make New Year's Revolutions. Most of the time, I know I'm not going to go through with them, so what's the point?
But this year will be different! I'm making a list and I'm going to follow through with it!
Here are my New Year's Revolutions (Please note: not all of these are revolutions. Some are just steps needed to make my revolutions a reality. And they may not be in the necessary chronological order to make my dream a reality.):
- Launch an exploratory committee to gauge interest in a possible state Senatorial campaign.
Seriously. I can do more damage from the inside. - Get my own cable access show.
It's free, so why not? Plus, once they see how intelligent, funny, and telegenic I am, the major networks will all come a-calling. - Overthrow my Community Association.
We don't need them. We can self-police the neighborhood. Neighbor's yard needs mowing or maybe his house needs painting? Tell him. If he doesn't take care of the matter in a timely fashion, kick his ass. Welcome to Lord Of The Cul-De-Sac, bitches! - Get an enemy.
I'll invent one if necessary. People love the underdog vs. the uncaring, faceless corporate entity. I think Wal-Mart's adequately covered. Maybe I'll attack Target. Or Starbucks. - Get on board with this whole "Change" thing.
Change sounds good. Show me what ya got, big guy. - Overthrow the bra.
You know who invented a bra, don't you? A man (please note: this statement could be entirely incorrect). Unchain yourselves from those mammary handcuffs and take back your dignity. Be free, my sisters. - Start my own religion.
Duh! - Hire a bagpiper.
It'll be cool to have a bagpiper accompany me during speeches and press conferences. - Get a sidekick.
I'll need someone to take a bullet (or two or twenty) for me.
Damn the man! Save the Empire!
Here's to all the best in 2009 for you and yours!
But remember: you're either with me or you're against me.
Song of the day: The Revolution Will Not Be Televised by Gil Scott-Heron
