We recently took the kids to the Lazy 5 Ranch.
When you get to the joint, you have to drive through a rather ominous gate that reminded me of the gates in Jurassic Park and King Kong. Of course, the sign on the right didn't help.
Once safely inside, you can see animals in cages/pens and some natural habitats. There is also a small petting zoo area. You could've touched the camel and macaws, but why would you want to do something crazy like that? The lemurs were separated from the public by a moat. I guess that's in case a dragon showed up unannounced at the Lazy 5 Ranch.
But the real draw to the Lazy 5 Ranch is the 3.5-mile safari. You are able to drive your own car through the ranch and feed the animals. What kind of animals, you ask? Animals such as these:
They also have animals that can't impale you, like these:
There were also lots of goofy-looking llamas. The one on the right was included because it was so filthy. The one in the middle smiled at me. The one on the left is not a two-headed llama; there are actually two llamas in that picture (trick photography!). Because if they had a two-headed llama, I think the place would change its name from the Lazy 5 Ranch to the Lazy 5 Ranch: HOME OF THE TWO-HEADED LLAMA! CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!
We bought two buckets of kibble to take on our drive. The animals will eat from your hand but if you don't offer them anything, they'll just poke their heads in your window to see if you've got anything to eat.
And then there was this asshole water buffalo.
I held my bucket of kibble outside the car window because there was no way in hell I was inviting him inside the car. He happily grazed for three seconds and then pushed the bucket out of my hand and onto the ground.
Me: That water buffalo stole all of my food!
Ella: Oh well.
Me: I'm going to get it back.
Ella: Like hell you are.
Me: It cost $3! That's half of our food!
Ella: So what?
Me: Just pull the car forward about two feet.
Ella pulled the car forward. I cracked the door and looked down at the bucket. The water buffalo's eyes met mine. I could see that he was thinking, "Just try it, buddy." So I shut my door like a wimp. That day, he was the King Of The Jungle.
But I still think I could've taken him!
About forty-five minutes later, a zebra pulled the same maneuver on Ella's feed bucket.
Ella: That's the end of our food.
Me: Get it!
Ella: I'm not fighting a zebra over the food.
Me: A zebra relies on camouflage to survive! You can take a zebra!
But she wouldn't even try. So we spent the final thirty minutes of the trek without food for the animals. I was half expecting the beasts to tip over our car.
You may be wondering what the kids thought of our day at Lazy 5 Ranch. I believe Zed would have liked for us to have coated him with kibble so the animals would lick him all day long. The boy loves animals.
My daughter, on the other hand, hated the Lazy 5 Ranch. At one point, she bellowed from the backseat, "THIS IS THE WORSTEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!" And it was all because of these beasts:
Ostriches. Emus. Quick Birds Of Death. What? That picture doesn't terrify you? How about this:
This is one of the Quick Birds Of Death staring in Zoey's window. See how scary he looks?
Still not convinced? Have a look at this:
This picture is blurry for several reasons:
- The Quick Bird Of Death was lunging at me.
- I was holding the camera with one hand and the bucket of kibble with the other.
- I am absolutely terrified of birds, especially ones larger than me and mere inches from my face.
Unfortunately, this series of events happened about seven minutes from the start of our safari. By that time, there were ten cars behind us so we couldn't back out of the place. So we spent the next two hours listening to her crying, whining, screaming, and ordering EVERYONE to roll up their windows.
But we did gain something from this trip. We can now threaten Zoey with "Behave or we'll take you back to Lazy 5 Ranch!"
Works much better than "Santa is watching."
Song of the day: Mr. E's Beautiful Blues by Eels
