I love electronics. Shiny metal. Bells and whistles. Gadgets. However, I am also a cheap bastard so I refuse to buy most of these items. And that's why I'm the last person on the planet without an iPod (or any type of .mp3 player).
When she was pregnant with Zoey, Ella was on bedrest for several months and they told us at twenty-six weeks that Zoey could "come at any time". Because of this, we thought it would be a good idea to purchase cell phones. I had owned one in the early 90s, but it was the kind that was connected to your car. It also cost $30/month for thirty minutes. Needless to say, I didn't use it very often.
We signed up with Verizon. They had a new-every-two program where you got a new phone every two years. Little did I know how badly I would need such a program.
My first phone became a distraction for Zoey while she was on the changing table. Because of this, it was often dropped. So it should have came to no surprise that the phone didn't last the two years. About two months shy of the end of the contract, I could not make any outgoing calls on the phone and could only receive half of my incoming calls. But I was cheap, so I went two months without a phone.
I was paying my bill online the other day and noticed that my service agreement had expired. Since my phone had become both Zoey and Zed's plaything, it was in sad shape. Part of the faceplate was missing. When you opened the phone, most of the pixels were burned out due to Zoey dropping it one day last year. The burned-out pixels made dialing a number fun because I couldn't actually see the number I was dialing. It was like playing Russian Roulette; I fumbled around the keypad hoping I was dialing the correct number.
So I started looking at the phones they had available. And then I saw her: The G'zOne. She was big, bulky, and sexy. She was shock-resistant. She was dust-resistant. She could be submerged in three feet of water for thirty minutes. I could shower with her. I was in love.
And then I saw her price: FREE!
I was madly in love.
I got the phone today. It's H-U-G-E. I think it's bigger than a cordless phone. When Ella came home this evening, I was waiting by the door to show her my new toy phone. "Wow," she said. "That looks like something a spy would have."
"I know," I replied, arching my eyebrows ever so suggestively.
She threw her arms around me, kissing my neck while ripping off my shirt said, "You're such a dork."
Since she was unreceptive to the G'zOne's sexy ways, I decided to show her to someone who would truly appreciate her beauty: another male. I strapped on my ten-inch penis phone and went roaming the neighborhood. It didn't take long to run into a neighbor.
"Jesus! Is that a phone or a walkie-talkie?" my neighbor asked when he noticed it on my side.
"It's a phone."
"Who the hell are you going to call with that? Mars?"
I went home in tears. No one understands you like I do, G'zOne. Here's to the next two years, baby!
Song of the day: Across The Universe by Fiona Apple
Double Oh Cheap Bastard
