You know how you'll see those Worst Jobs In The World lists and they'll include occupations like roughnecks, fishermen, and farmers? For the life of me, I don't see why portrait studio photographer isn't near or at the top of these lists, especially during the holiday greeting card rush.
Guess what we did tonight?
Ella, ever the optimist, signed us up for sixty (60!) poses with costume changes. I, ever the pessimist, figured we'd be lucky to reach half that number of poses without the photographer killing the four of us. We had a coupon that was good for something like 18,432 photos for $19.99. But it was only good for one pose.
I told Ella as we pulled up to the place, "We're not buying any other packages. They'll tell us all the photos are cute, adorable, and must-haves. They'll accuse of us of not loving our children if we don't buy more photos. I don't care. We're not buying any other packages!"
We walked into the place and I was immediately hit with the despair in the room. All the parents looked lifeless. All the children were crying or yelling or throwing things. The photographers were exhausted. The perfect atmosphere for our family's first portrait!
We were immediately ushered into the Christmas room. Ella told the photographer to get rid of the backdrop (she hates the phony fireplace look) and asked for a solid color. The photographer posed Ella and I, put Zed on her lap, and stood Zoey on a box in front of me. She tried in vain to get Zed to look anywhere near the camera. He wasn't having it.
So she called in a clerk to help her. The clerk brought out a large stuffed flower and waved it in Zed's face while making silly noises. Zed would laugh and smile and follow the flower back to the camera. Unfortunately, Zoey would start looking at Zed instead of the camera. After spending three minutes telling Zoey how to pose ("You're a big girl. Look at the camera and smile. Don't pay attention to Zed. Don't pay attention to the girl with the flower. Look at the camera and smile so you'll be ready when Zed finally smiles.), the photographer took about ten shots of Ella and I trying to keep two squirmy kids under control.
Then it was time for the kids' solo shots. Zoey was no problem; she's a ham when you bring out a camera (despite the fact she's never taken a decent school picture). Zed, on the other hand, would not sit on the floor, the stool, the chair, or any other object the photographer placed in the room. So Ella had to hold him with one hand and awkwardly lean out of the frame while I made goofy faces to get him to laugh.
We changed the kids' clothes (Why? Why? Why?) and went into the other room to have photos taken of the children together. This was a total nightmare. Once again, Zed wouldn't sit still. And when he finally did stay still for 2.4 seconds, Zoey was looking somewhere else, frowning, picking her nose, or something else not worth photographing.
About twenty minutes later, we went back to the lobby, looked at all sixty poses, and picked out which ones we liked best. And in case anyone is wondering, we bought packages for eight different poses. Sometimes, I hate my wife.
GHS: 8
Portrait Of An American Family
