Making Love Out Of Nothing At All

I have a confession to make: I have not been faithful to Ella.

For the past two years, I have had a mistress. We met on the Internet. I had a gaping hole in my life and she was able to fill it.

Please do not judge me. Everyone has needs.

I will admit, it was awkward at first. Like the beginning of any relationship, there was the clumsy getting-to-know-you phase where you learn each other's likes and dislikes and what buttons you should and should not push. But soon, we were inseparable. We just fit, you know?

We had a torrid love affair. She was such an unselfish lover. It didn't matter what time of day or night I reached out for her, she was always waiting for me, ready at a moment's notice.

But now she's gone.

On Monday, Zed broke my remote control.

Wait. What did you think I was talking about?

The remote was a One For All universal remote that could control my TV, cable box, DVD player, VCR (if I had one), my surround sound system, and, most importantly, my TiVo (it even had thumbs-up and thumbs-down buttons).

I could not keep that child away from the remote. Must be a guy thing. If I would put it within his reach (i.e. anywhere), he would wait until I wasn't looking and make a beeline straight for it. He would chew on it and beat it against the floor. It's a wonder it lasted as long as it did.

So I bought another One For All remote for $19.99, the same price as the first (Did you know they have remotes that cost $299 (and I'm sure much higher)? What the hell do they control? Missile silos? If you have $299 you can spend on a remote, how about throwing some scratch my way?). It has the same buttons as the previous model but they are laid out differently. In fact, I think someone who secretly hates television designed this remote because the buttons that should be close together, at least in my opinion, are on opposite ends of the remote.

I need to take this remote back to the store.

Or maybe I just need to spend some more time with my new mistress.

By the way, if any of you know of any realistic-looking toy remotes that Zed might like, please let me know (send links if you can find it online). I really don't feel like buying a new remote control every three months.