Those of you who have been reading my site for some time (why oh why oh why?) know of Zoey's concerns about her future. To help her out, I recalled those skills and personality tests administered by my high school guidance counselor (I believe my results recommended any trade with little to no interaction with others). After careful consideration, I have finally figured out what occupation my daughter is best suited for:
CARNIE!
Whatever happened to carnivals? I'm not talking county fairs and the like, with the rinky-dink rides and the games where you spend a dollar to win a prize worth five cents that is impossible to win because the peg you're supposed to throw the hoop onto is actually larger than the hoop. I'm talking about old-fashioned carnivals with freak shows and hucksters that would at least entertain you before taking your hard-earned money (and don't even mention Jim Rose; smashing one's testicles with a sledgehammer is not entertainment).
I truly believe my daughter can resurrect the carnival industry. She is very capable of performing any number of carnie duties.
Barker/Emcee For Various Acts
My daughter has a commanding personality. She also has the ability to draw a crowd. And once she has the crowd mesmerized, she can further entertain them with her jokes. Here are a few of her current faves:Knock. Knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don't cry! Dry your eyes!
Knock. Knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange apple! (This joke cracks her up. Personally, I don't get it. Anyone?)
What's brown and looks like Play-Doh?
Brown Play-Doh! (Get your minds out of the gutter! Where did you think this joke was headed? Zoey doesn't work blue.)
Clown
I don't really think I have to explain this one, do I?Magician
Currently, her "trick" consists of holding a paper towel eighteen inches above an object, muttering the phrase "Abracadabra (or something closely resembling the phrase)," and then swooping down and picking up the object in the towel. Penn & Teller, she's not.Fortune Teller
The kid can read my mind. How much of a stretch can fortune telling be?Bearded Lady
Um, let's just say my daughter inherited hirsute genes from my wife's not-fully-evolved side of the family. The poor girl has a bit of fuzz on her upper lip (enough to make a fourteen-year-old boy jealous), hairy arms, and an ever-so-faint unibrow. Hopefully by the time she's old enough to care, Do It Yourself Laser Hair Removal Kits will be all the rage.Acrobat
Despite the fact that she's as graceful as a fifty-five-year-old wounded elephant, Zoey believes she's a tightrope walker.The Person Who Sticks His Head In The Lion's Mouth/Bear Wrestler
Zoey has no problem sticking her fingers in Zed's mouth, knowing full well he could chomp down on her digits at any given moment. I highly doubt she would be afraid of a lion or bear as long as neither would be dressed as Santa Claus or The Easter Bunny.Gator Rassler
Do they have alligator wrestlers in carnivals? If not, they should. I saw someone wrestle an alligator in Florida when I was seven years old. It still ranks in the top ten moments of my life.I know Zoey will never realize her full potential while under my tutelage, so I'll sell her to the gypsies the next time they show up in my cul-de-sac. They'll get her to the proper people who can provide her with the training she needs to become THE GREATEST CARNIE THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN!
Related:
I Asked My Mother, "What Will I Be?"
I Told My Daughter, "I Know What You'll Be."
Get Thee Behind Me, Spawn Of Satan (An Exercise In Haiku)
But Isn't Every Day A Circus At Her Preschool
