Last night, I experienced something so amazing, something so incredible, I feel compelled to share my findings with my faithful readers (all three of you).
It's called a date. D-A-T-E. Rhymes with great.
First, you enlist the services of someone called a babysitter. Don't let the name fool you. This person will stay with toddlers and older children as well. Not only that, but they'll do more than just sit with your children. They'll feed your kids, play with them, change diapers, bathe them, and, most astonishingly, put your kids to bed.
I know what you're thinking: where do I find one of these babysitter persons you speak of? That's the only problem. You won't find them in the yellow pages. Ask a friend (no, not the one who always finds the best drugs; ask the one with kids that doesn't look frazzled all the time).
Once the babysitter arrives, you and your significant other leave the house. Alone. Without the kids. Yeah, it sounds crazy. But just trust me.
So what's the first thing you should do on your date? I suggest going to a restaurant. Were you aware that there are restaurants that do not have playgrounds, toy surprises, crayons, balloons, or even kids' menus? I've heard tales of such places throughout my travels, but until last night had never seen one with my own two eyes. In fact, there exists an entire subculture in America that doesn't revolve around children. Hard to believe, but it's true.
Be forewarned: you may experience a strange sensation in your mouth while you're dining. Don't panic. You are actually tasting your food for a change, instead of shoving it frantically in your mouth before your daughter successfully climbs over the back of your booth and into the adjoining one.
You will also notice the two of you will be able to talk uninterrupted. It may seem foreign and somewhat difficult at first, but stay with it and the conversation should begin to flow effortlessly. Resist the urge to talk about the kids.
After your meal, head to a place called a movie theatre. Upon stepping inside, you will notice the concession stand (just ignore the throngs of thirteen-year-olds and their clumsy mating rituals). But this isn't like the concession stand found at your child's soccer complex. Here you will find such delicacies as nachos, hot dogs, soft pretzels, popcorn, candy, soda, and, if you're really fortunate, beer and wine. Resist the urge to mentally calculate how many bags of Goldfish and bottles of Juicy Juice you could purchase for the price of a medium coke and popcorn. This is your night.
So what does one do at a movie theater? You enter a darkened room and they show a movie like the ones found on DVDs and HBO. I don't know where the movie theater buys their movies, but I need to find out. I can't find any of the movies they were showing last night at Blockbuster. Weird. And I almost forgot: the screen is humongous, larger than anything you'll ever see in a Best Buy.
After the movie, drive home slowly. Cherish the last few moments you have together. Sure, you spent a lot of money, but isn't your freedom your sanity a little bit of fun worth it?
(Can you tell it's been a looooooooong time since we've been on a date?)
GHS: 0 (actually, this could reverse the process)
The Most Spectacular Discovery Known To Man
