Conversations With Charlie

I like to do crossword puzzles, Sudoku, and just about any other puzzle out there. On Friday, I was doing a crossword puzzle when one of the clues sent me hurtling back to my childhood to a time I had blocked due to embarrassment had long forgotten.

I had a ventriloquist's dummy when I was little.

Not only that, I had asked for that dummy.

What can I say? I was a weird little bastard. Still am.

I had a Charlie McCarthy dummy. I don't know what made that thing stand out from the rest of the toys in the pages of the Sears catalog. Maybe it was the top hat. Maybe it was the monocle. Whatever it was, I had to have it and my parents made my wish come true that Christmas.

For months, I would sit in my room, carrying on conversations with Charlie while trying to keep my lips from moving. I would hold shows for my family. In my little mind, I was a damn fine ventriloquist. But eventually, our relationship grew stale. I became more and more distant, choosing to pass the time with other friends and toys, until Charlie sought permanent residence in the back of my bedroom closet.

But what if?

What if I had not exiled Charlie McCarthy to the Closet Of Forgotten And Broken Toys? What if I had continued to practice my ventriloquism skills and had become quite good at it?

This is how I would believe an average day would play out had I become a professional ventriloquist:

I see myself, thrice-divorced, waking up in a seedy motel, my head still foggy from spending last night's earnings from the Shriners Club banquet on paint thinner. I would spend my days hanging out with clowns, mimes, and other ne'er-do-wells. I would be constantly on the move, running from creditors and people who want more than just my money, taking on odd jobs between gigs in order to survive. As a result, I would be unable to keep any meaningful relationships.

Sounds like a terrible existence, doesn't it? Thank God I didn't get trapped in the evil downward spiral that is ventriloquism.

So parents, if you're reading this, heed my warning before your children venture down this dark path. Keep all ventriloquists' dummies out of their reach. If they already own dummies, confiscate them.

Act now.

Before it's too late.

Song of the day: A Million Miles Away by The Plimsouls