One thing about summer I never could stomach… all the damn sunscreen.
Growing up in the South, I participated in more than my fair share of greased pig contests. For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this barbaric activity, it starts with a pig that has been covered with lard. Ten to twenty kids would chase the pig inside a pen for ten minutes, which meant that ten to twenty kids would fall flat on their faces in the mud for ten minutes. Eventually, the pig would tire and some lucky kid would trap the pig in the corner of the pen and win an apple pie or something like that.
Surely PETA has outlawed this activity by now, right?
Even though I never won a greased pig contest, one might think these events would have prepared me for putting sunscreen on my children. No such luck.
Thankfully, Zoey realizes if she wants to go outside and play, she must wear sunscreen. Zed's a different story. Every once in awhile, we're able to put sunscreen on Zed while he's lying on the changing table. But I think he enjoys watching us chase him around the room, cursing and falling as we try to apply sunscreen as he slips from our grasp.
When we were at the beach earlier this year, in the middle of our third marathon sunscreen session of the day, Ella came up with a brilliant idea. You know those fake suntanning booths they have that spray you with "sun" that turns you all nice and orange? Imagine if there was a booth that covered you with sunscreen.
Or more importantly, your children.
You just step inside, don those tiny little eye thingies, and push a button. It's a Million Dollar Idea. I'm a cheap bastard and I would gladly pay $5 per kid each time they need to be lathered in sunscreen. Every beach, pool, and park would buy one of these machines. People would be lining up around the block just so they didn't have to deal with slippery little kids.
I'm just not smart enough to make such a contraption. If you can, go for it. Just do me a favor: call it the ChagMaster 3000 or something like that.
And if you feel like sending me a buck or fifty thousand, I won't stop you.
Song of the day: Down Together by The Refreshments
My Gift To You
