For the past few months, I have been trying to get politicians interested in a few of my pet projects. It's not like I'm trying to get them to erect a statue of me in front of the capitol building or anything like that (I have no doubt that will happen one day, probably after I'm dead); my special interests will benefit a lot of people.
In short, I've become a lobbyist.
In my brief adventures with the political machine, I've learned that politicians aren't the easiest people to get ahold of. A State Senator has what? 100,000 to 200,000 constituents or something? What percentage of these constituents tries to contact the Senator on a daily basis? I would imagine very few voters write or email their representatives. So by my logic, given the low volume, I would assume that representatives would routinely answer their constituents' missives. WRONG!
Some don't answer emails or letters or return phone calls or come to luncheons you help arrange. I am so sick of being ignored.
Because of this, I am seriously considering running for State Senator next year.
Seriously. I want change. I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines and having my screams fall on deaf ears. If you can't join 'em, beat 'em.
Besides, every race has to have some crackpot on the ballot. Consider me the Token Perot or the Token Nader.
Unfortunately, I'm not a former lawyer, educator, or banker (I think 95% of all politicians had one of these occupations in their private lives). I'm also not well-connected and do not have much money for a campaign. So how will I generate some buzz for my campaign?
First of all, I'm going to need to create an extremely stupid and viral YouTube video. I'm thinking something with monkeys and puppets. We'll all sing The Rainbow Connection or maybe some Neil Diamond. I'll light my hair on fire at the end if necessary. I'm still ironing out the details on my video.
People will see me around town and say, "Hey! You're that YouTube guy with the monkeys, right? Singing the Kermit the Frog song?" And I'll reply, "Yes. That's me. I'm running for State Senator and I would appreciate your vote."
But only so many people watch YouTube, so I'll need other inexpensive ways to get my face out there (because you can't really call press conferences when you're a nobody, can you?). I will attend poetry slams and open mic nights and recite/sing my platform to the people. Eventually, the local alternative weekly rag will embrace me. Soon after that, the local conservative weekly rag will denounce me. And then victory will be mine.
In the meantime, I need to find a place to put all these damn skeletons. I also need to work on my people skills and develop a personality. Can you get that on eBay?
Song of the day: Come Sail Away by Styx
I Will No Longer Be Ignored
