Zed and I went to the local children's museum/petting zoo on Friday morning.
Petting zoos are not my bag. I know every single one of those animals carries E. coli, mad cow disease, malaria, herpes, and a host of other maladies. But they're also kiddie crack, so I take the kids every once in awhile to view the animals. Sometimes, I'll let down my guard and let them pet one of the filthy beasts. I can be quite the masochist.
I was not planning on Friday becoming one of those special days. Zed was standing at the fence, watching all the lucky kids (whose parents weren't germaphobes) cavorting with the animals. A little girl noticed us at the gate and yelled at me, "I think he wants to come in here and pet the animals."
"I think you're right," I replied. Leave me alone, kid.
But she wasn't done. "Are you afraid of the animals, mister? Because he can come with me if you're too scared."
I was being called out by a first grader. Not one to let a first grader question my manhood, I scooped Zed up in my arms, opened the gate, and strutted confidently into the petting zoo.
This is what my life has become: proving my manliness to six-year olds. Admit it, you're jealous.
I put Zed down near the goats, hoping and praying he would be satisfied watching them from the closer vantage point. Within seconds, he was standing beside a goat, touching its hair. I cringed.
He moved on to a sheep. He touched its wool and became excited. He started doing his "Happy Dance," which basically consists of him running in place.
Guess what I found out? Farm animals do not find Zed's Happy Dance as endearing as I do.
The animals started to scatter. Fearing a full-on stampede, I tried to pick up Zed but he slipped from my grasp. He knew I was planning on leaving the petting zoo, so he called on his only line of defense: he dropped to the ground, lied on his back, and went into full-blown tantrum mode.
Do I need to remind everyone what can be found among the straw in a petting zoo? The same straw my son was flailing around in?
My mind started racing. Oh God. There's nowhere near enough soap, water, Purell, and Clorox in the world. Maybe I should just…
And then everything went black.
Apparently, I died of disgust.
But I'm able to blog from the afterworld! It's pretty cool here, but it's a lot hotter than I was expecting. And even though everything seems to be on fire, I've yet to see a fire truck.
But there is one really cool thing about the afterlife: I get to peep in on everyone on Earth.
And I've seen what some of you ladies do when you're alone in the shower, you saucy little minxes.
GHS: 10
Song of the day: Jesus Christ Pose by Soundgarden
What's Grosser Than Gross? This.
