Her: I'll remember what you looked like, so if you did anything bad, I'll turn you in.
Me: Go right ahead.
***
It had been well over a year since my last haircut and it had become a major pain in the ass. My bangs hung below my chin and I would constantly singe them when I lit my crack pipe. I told Ella the other night, "My hair's getting too long. I need to start rocking a bandana like Axl Rose and Bret Michaels."
"If you do that, I'll cut it off while you sleep."
I think she was talking about my hair.
***
I was planning on donating my hair to Locks Of Love, but when I researched it last week, their website stated you needed to have a ponytail that was ten inches long. The hell?
So unless you're Crystal Gayle, they don't want to hear from you.
***
Her: So what are we going to do today?
Me: Cut it all off.
Her: How short?
Me: Use the clippers. Leave it a little longer on the top.
Her: Is this your once-a-year haircut?
Me: Yes.
Her: You're not afraid of us, are you?
Me: No. I'm cheap. But it was time and I couldn't pass up the $6.99 sale.
Her: I'll remember what you looked like, so if you did anything bad, I'll turn you in.
Me: Go right ahead.
Her: You're going to look like a totally different person!
Me: I know. At least now I'll blend in better with The Others.
And that was the end of the small talk.
***
While I was giving the kids a bath last night, I molded the front of my hair into a little horn so that I looked like the Cyclops from The 7th Voyage Of Sinbad.
Or Ed Grimley.
"How do I look?"
Zed smiled. Zoey shouted, "Cool!"
Something tells me Ella's going to put a stop to this when she gets back in town.
***
I received quite a few compliments yesterday from moms in the neighborhood and those from both kids' schools. As a semi-intelligent man, I can only deduce one thing:
Prior to Saturday, I looked like hell.
Song of the day: Youth Gone Wild by Skid Row
Hairstyles And Attitudes
