It's almost time for Halloween, the one night of the year where monsters are free (and encouraged!) to roam the Earth. As a public service announcement to my six readers, I thought I would share this guide on how to kill various monsters.
Be safe!
Aliens
Most aliens are soft, squishy little things that are unable to cause much harm. They can be easily thwarted by simple objects like water (Signs) and Slim Pickens recordings (Mars Attacks!). And is just me, or did it look like you could kill one of the aliens from Close Encounters Of The Third Kind by sneezing on it?
But if you find yourself face-to-face with the alien from Alien, you're on your own.
Axe (Or Any Other Sharp Object)-Wielding Serial Killers
Think Jason Vorhees, Michael Myers, and Leatherface. These creatures are notoriously slow, so if you ever confront one, just run as fast you can in the opposite direction and you should be okay (but for the love of all that is holy, do not drop in the woods and cry, as he'll be on your ass quicker than you can say, "Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice!"). But the only thing that can truly stop these beasts is disappointing box office receipts.
Chupacabras
Chupacabras aren't real, silly!
Genetically Altered Beasts
If you encounter an extremely large creature like Godzilla, call the Army. If you're lucky, you'll face a mutant of a more manageable size, like a C.H.U.D. But be careful! Just because something's toxic, doesn't mean it's bad. You don't want to accidentally kill The Toxic Avenger.
Ghosts
Ghosts cannot harm you; they are merely nuisances. Most of the time, a ghost is just pissed over something you did (moved into his house, disgraced his burial ground, killed him when he was a human, etc.). If you can deal with a bunch of clattering pots and pans, items moved without your knowledge, etc., you're in the clear. I don't really think you can kill a ghost. It's either deal with it or move out.
Killer Tomatoes
These beings are very rare. But if you find yourself cornered by a bunch of them, don't fret. Just use those Doc Martens to make Killer Ketchup!
Mummies
Mummies are the wusses of the Monster World. They're covered in bandages, move slower than zombies, and are forced to walk with their arms stretched out in front of them. And they make weird noises like, "Mmmmhhhhmmmm." If a mummy shows up at your house, just laugh at him and go back to whatever you were doing.
Vampires
Vampires sleep all day and appear only at night. They are the rock stars of the Monster World; there's a reason the vamps in The Lost Boys looked more like Jon Bon Jovi than Count Chocula. To prepare for possible vampire activity, have a wooden stake, a cross, and a steel turtleneck at your disposal. And to be on the safe side, kill any and all bats you see.
Werewolves
These critters only appear during full moons, so check your lunar calendar. They can be stopped with silver bullets, which can be found at Army Navy Surplus Stores and Wal-Mart. If you are able to take down a werewolf, make sure you stay for the aftershow: werewolves usually revert to their human form. And they're usually naked!
Zombies
Zombies are only after brains, so if you're stupid, you're safe. Otherwise, a direct blow to the head with a sharp object or bullet will kill these slow-moving fiends.
One Last Word Of Warning
You may find yourself surrounded by hordes of waist-high creatures. These creatures are usually fast, as ravenous as zombies, and take on many forms and shapes. But these creatures are trick-or-treaters.
Do not kill them.
Song of the day: People Who Died by The Jim Carroll Band
Halloween Safety Guide: How To Successfully Survive A Monster Attack
